[Can't Stop Crying]

After the State Hospital, I bounced around group homes, foster homes, shelters, psych wards, etc.

I had run away from the foster home I was in. A friend I had made in the State hospital was nearby and said to meet her at her boyfriends house. (In hindsight, she wasn't really a friend, she liked to take advantage of me and enjoyed re-enforcing my pain. She is currently serving a life sentence for murder. We fit together - she liked to inflict pain and I felt like I deserved it)

We were drinking and just hanging out. Her boyfriend wanted some "action". My friend said I don't want to f*** you, f*** her instead and pointed to me. He was the last guy I wanted near me.

I quite literally had no where to go. The police were looking for me since I ran away from the foster home. I thought at first they were kinda messing around and that if I could try and become unnoticeable they would forget the whole thing.

I was starting to fall asleep when he got on top of me. I froze and just laid there and cried. My friend came into the room and jumped on his back and stabbed him in the shoulder. His blood dripped on my face. She was laughing a scary laugh while yelling at him for cheating on her.

Then it got very weird...she helped hold me down while he finished. All the time acting like she was comforting me. I don't know how to explain it. She was by my head, holding me still and running her fingers through my hair saying it's okay, you're almost done, etc.

I felt like a puppet in their play. I guess I played the role well. Afterward, it was like they were congratulating me. I went back to the foster home, punished for running away.

It was one of those things that I had filed in my head under the "not abuse" category. My T called it another rape. I still haven't decided how to define it...

I aged out of the foster system and started my own life, trying desperately to create my own family to erase the past. That hasn't worked out too well. The past will never be erased - I just hope it can settle down so I can function like the wife/mother I've always wanted to be.

[Ardmore]

I can't believe you've been through all that, I envy your courage.

You're very brave to be able to tell us your life in the past, it has touch all our hearts.

Stay strong and I hope you live a better life.

[FFABD]

Sweetie, in perspective, what you've experienced in repeated violations of your emotional, mental and physical self. You've explained many circumstances in your writings that involve other people defining their skewed reality as yours, in order to take from you what they "need".

The pain you've expressed is real, your feelings are real and your perspective is real. They are your own and don't doubt them. You don't need to compromise to anyone else's version of reality just to accepted here. We all have felt that fear that our version is wrong, but the truest thing is that it isn't.

Hugs and love.

[invisigirl]

thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story with us. I hope through the telling and retelling of it, it might release some of it's power over you today. you are an amazingly strong woman and have survived SO much. I wish you well on your efforts toward healing and being the best wife and mother you can be.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

The past will never be erased - I just hope it can settle down so I can function like the wife/mother I've always wanted to be.

Yeah, there isn't any erasing, there is only working through it, releasing all the stashed away feelings about it and seeing how it has affected who you are today and then changing what isn't working for you. These things can be done.

[MoAnamCara]

thanks for sharing cant stop crying, my heart goes out to you

take care.

[notablackbarbie]

(((cant stop crying)))