[Distressed2010]

My dad has always been very emotionally abusive and controlling. During my teen years, I wasn't allowed to step out the house and I was scared to even ask him a simple question, because he might blow up in anger. He also would use the silent treatment ALL the time and guilt trip me for simple things like coming home after school and being just ten minutes late. I grew up and I had anxiety and I still have this intimidation when I talk to authority figures like a boss or other elders...

But now my dad is a stroke patient and he's confined to his bed. Fortunately his brain still works fine, but all his body parts are pretty dull. He calls me throughout the entire night when he wants stuff done like his neck pillow fixed, etc. And its not just once, its like 5-6 times every night during the hours when people are sleeping, like 12 am-8 am.

He's still emotionally abusive. If he says something, you have to listen to him or he starts throwing his tantrum. Once he plugged in this heater and I didn't feel it was working properly, it smelled like something was burning. 2 hours later, fortunately my mom asked me to check up on him and I did, well, the heater was burning in smokes, about to catch on fire. I seriously worry in these situations where I'm stuck on safety, and my dad is constantly stuck on proving himself right, ALL THE TIME!

Today, he hadn't eaten much and he's diabetic. I didn't want him to go below the normal required sugar or he'd go into coma and we'd have to rush to the emergency hospital, which is quiet difficult because he's a heavy man and I don't know why but i do care about him and I wanted him to eat something, so yes I was pushing him to eat because its been 12 hours, since last night. He started abusing me in front of his nurse and its so insulting. He started using profanity towards me and I see he does it on purpose because he sees that makes me go away, but then I'm also hurt and he knows this really hurts me but he just has always used ONE excuse all his lifetime, saying "I have no control on my nerves, I'm sorry".

WTF??

How do i deal with this? Do i still be there for him? I get so confused when this stuff happens, for days I stay away from him and I tell him I won't help him during the night and then he won't call me but then he'll do this cry like he's in pain and maybe he is, but I'm angry. Don't disrespect me and then cry to call me. He also favors my sister over me, eventhough he knows she's so mean towards me, he still takes her side because she brings him food.

He controls me by crying and making me feel bad, and at the same time he keeps my sister in his hands by taking her side always.. gets his work done from both ends. He doesnt play fair.

How can I deal with this situation? It really hurts when you care about someone but then they treat you in such a pull and push fashion.

[krisakira]

You can be there for him by visiting and helping out some, but it sounds like he needs a nurse to come in and take care of him. You have a life to live and you shouldn't have to help him 5-6 times a night and who knows how much during the day, that is what a professional care giver is for. Sure he might try to manipulate you into feeling guilty for backing up some, but a job like that requires more than just you trying to do it all yourself. Do you have other family members who can take shifts with you to help him, at least?

[Ardmore]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

My dad has always been very emotionally abusive and controlling. During my teen years, I wasn't allowed to step out the house and I was scared to even ask him a simple question, because he might blow up in anger. He also would use the silent treatment ALL the time and guilt trip me for simple things like coming home after school and being just ten minutes late. I grew up and I had anxiety and I still have this intimidation when I talk to authority figures like a boss or other elders...

But now my dad is a stroke patient and he's confined to his bed. Fortunately his brain still works fine, but all his body parts are pretty dull. He calls me throughout the entire night when he wants stuff done like his neck pillow fixed, etc. And its not just once, its like 5-6 times every night during the hours when people are sleeping, like 12 am-8 am.

He's still emotionally abusive. If he says something, you have to listen to him or he starts throwing his tantrum. Once he plugged in this heater and I didn't feel it was working properly, it smelled like something was burning. 2 hours later, fortunately my mom asked me to check up on him and I did, well, the heater was burning in smokes, about to catch on fire. I seriously worry in these situations where I'm stuck on safety, and my dad is constantly stuck on proving himself right, ALL THE TIME!

Today, he hadn't eaten much and he's diabetic. I didn't want him to go below the normal required sugar or he'd go into coma and we'd have to rush to the emergency hospital, which is quiet difficult because he's a heavy man and I don't know why but i do care about him and I wanted him to eat something, so yes I was pushing him to eat because its been 12 hours, since last night. He started abusing me in front of his nurse and its so insulting. He started using profanity towards me and I see he does it on purpose because he sees that makes me go away, but then I'm also hurt and he knows this really hurts me but he just has always used ONE excuse all his lifetime, saying "I have no control on my nerves, I'm sorry".

WTF??

How do i deal with this? Do i still be there for him? I get so confused when this stuff happens, for days I stay away from him and I tell him I won't help him during the night and then he won't call me but then he'll do this cry like he's in pain and maybe he is, but I'm angry. Don't disrespect me and then cry to call me. He also favors my sister over me, eventhough he knows she's so mean towards me, he still takes her side because she brings him food.

He controls me by crying and making me feel bad, and at the same time he keeps my sister in his hands by taking her side always.. gets his work done from both ends. He doesnt play fair.

How can I deal with this situation? It really hurts when you care about someone but then they treat you in such a pull and push fashion.

You need to tell your father that "enough is enough", but I can understand how you feel, my mom does the same thing to my brother and me.

[cautious hope]

Please call senior services. You would be amazed at what's available. Is he a vetran? Even more. Can you put him away? I really beleive you MUST limit your contact with him as best you can. If he swears at you, try swearing back at him and leave the room. Then have a good laugh at the expression on his face. If you can't actually do it, try imagining it. You will laugh...

[Sannah]

Find your power and stare him in the eyes and show him your power.

[Sannah]

Distressed, I have been reading your posts for the last few months and when you started posting you were talking about the edges and this last week or so you have been revealing all the stuff that is really going on. This stuff that you have been talking about over the last few weeks are the core of your issues. The other stuff that you were posting about are the symptoms of this deeper stuff.

[Distressed2010]

Thanks to everyone for responding! I'd like to add some central issues to the post, I have moved to India and its not the same as US where they have services for senior citizens or the handicapped.

Also, I don't mind helping him at all, even if its in the middle of the night but I get deeply bruised that he doesn't appreciate what I do for him and that he abuses me. I know people don't change but it really hurts me to hear him say mean things to me, or tell me I'll fail in life JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN't GET HIS WAY for something thats seriously minor and is actually for his benefit (i.e. eating on time, safety procedures.. etc). He is fine mentally, and he still makes lots of decisions so I can't say that he's doing this because its the stroke because he's always been this way.

Its more mentally draining than it is physically for me to help him out... and I'm not sure how to deal with this. Also, I'm not sure if I am obligated to take care of him if he behaves this way.

if i refuse to help him, then the rest of my family gets after me telling me I'm punishing the sick, and oh he's sick he can't do anything on his own, etc etc etc and fine! those are valid points but just coz he's sick, he can get away with being mean???

[Sannah]

In the USA the elders who get abused were the abusers previously.

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

just coz he's sick, he can get away with being mean???

No, this man needs to be taught a lesson I think. His viewpoint his whole life has been that the powerful can be abusive. Well who has the power now? I'm not saying that you should abuse him. What I am saying is that I feel that he needs to see who has the power now. You can show him with your eyes who has the power now.

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

he doesn't appreciate what I do for him and that he abuses me.

Call him out on his abuse when he does it. "You are abusing me and I am helping you"?

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

I know people don't change

No, this isn't true, people change when they receive consequences for their behavior.

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

or tell me I'll fail in life JUST BECAUSE HE DIDN't GET HIS WAY

I'd tell him he's full of sh..

Abusive people really piss me off.

Find your anger and take the power from it.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Sannah

In the USA the elders who get abused were the abusers previously.


No, this man needs to be taught a lesson I think. His viewpoint his whole life has been that the powerful can be abusive. Well who has the power now? I'm not saying that you should abuse him. What I am saying is that I feel that he needs to see who has the power now. You can show him with your eyes who has the power now.


Call him out on his abuse when he does it. "You are abusing me and I am helping you"?


No, this isn't true, people change when they receive consequences for their behavior.


I'd tell him he's full of sh..

Abusive people really piss me off.

Find your anger and take the power from it.

Thanks Sannah but I have tried abusing him back (and i feel bad for it later) but then its either me abusing him back and releasing my anger (halfway only, the other half still remains and lingers and then calls back my old memories of other various abuses I went through), and at times I've stopped doing stuff for him for like 2-3 days... but then we're back again and I'm helping him out again.. I don't like seeing him cry, I'm also a believer of karma so I can't see a sick person be helpless but then I get furious when he's mean!

I've looked at him angrily, yelled back at him angrily, and pulled away support for 2-3 days, none of this has worked, and i always end up getting hurt. I also hate seeing him on bed like this, I feel for him. But then its either him on the bed or the old him who'd be more dominating and make you "fear" him...

I have run out of ideas on how to deal with this situation?

He also tells all his relatives that me and my mom are useless and hints them that we dont take care of him , which we are not! we do EVERYTHING for him. he's lucky to have this kind of support where everyone appears like a genie in his room to fix things for him.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Thanks Sannah but I have tried abusing him back (and i feel bad for it later) but then its either me abusing him back and releasing my anger (halfway only, the other half still remains and lingers and then calls back my old memories of other various abuses I went through), and at times I've stopped doing stuff for him for like 2-3 days... but then we're back again and I'm helping him out again.. I don't like seeing him cry, I'm also a believer of karma so I can't see a sick person be helpless but then I get furious when he's mean!

I've looked at him angrily, yelled back at him angrily, and pulled away support for 2-3 days, none of this has worked, and i always end up getting hurt. I also hate seeing him on bed like this, I feel for him. But then its either him on the bed or the old him who'd be more dominating and make you "fear" him...

I have run out of ideas on how to deal with this situation?

He also tells all his relatives that me and my mom are useless and hints them that we dont take care of him , which we are not! we do EVERYTHING for him. he's lucky to have this kind of support where everyone appears like a genie in his room to fix things for him.

Sannah,

how does one take power from anger? Do you mean, take anger and put it into activities of mine? Wouldn't that repress the emotion?

[Sannah]

No, I said do not abuse him! I didn't say be angry with him either. I said find your power and show him that you have power and he doesn't.

There is power in anger. You don't feel it? No, I'm not saying to take your anger and put it into activities, I'm saying take the power from your anger and show it to your dad. Rise above him and his lowly abuse which places his soul right in the gutter.

[Petunia111]

I had to deal with this when my mother was getting sicker both physically and mentally. To make it short, she was verbally abusive with me and tried to drive a wedge between me and my teenage son.

I wouldn't let her do it and no amount of guilt made me allow her to do it, but she did do things behind my back, such as picking my kid up from school, behind my back, so she could bad mouth me and my husband to our son.

Well, one day she was in a car accident (which is why I didn't want her driving him in the first place), and she was hurt and he wasn't (thank G-d for that). After finding out that she'd been disobeying our rules to not let him drive with her (diabetes and bad eyesight).....I took care of her needs until she was stable and at home and could get around. She wouldn't stop driving, nor move closer to me, so that I could assist her.

She finally got diabetic ulcers, kidney failure, etc., and when she was in a nursing home, we were able to make up and she died in peace, last April.

I will never know what made her so crazy, in the first place, but at least my visiting her in the home and at the hospital, I was able to make peace with myself.

There isn't a good way for this to end or happen, but I did make the most of trying to take care of her as much as I could.

A mother is a mother, but there is no narcissistic drama ongoing anymore, and for that, I am glad.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Sannah

No, I said do not abuse him! I didn't say be angry with him either. I said find your power and show him that you have power and he doesn't.

There is power in anger. You don't feel it? No, I'm not saying to take your anger and put it into activities, I'm saying take the power from your anger and show it to your dad. Rise above him and his lowly abuse which places his soul right in the gutter.

Hi Sannah, I'm sorry I'm not getting the point.. Take power from anger?

If you could provide an example, that'd really help!

[Sannah]

You have never felt power before?

[notablackbarbie]

((((Distressed))))
I can relate TOO much to the frustration and pain of how abusive a parent can be while physically sick. Can still argue and cuss and look down on you so hard. Yet so feeble and in pain themselves. And sometimes its like "Thats right! Karma is great!" But theres also all the guilt and shame and judgement...

I think what Sannah is referring to is focusing on you now. In the past we were young and small. Our parents were big and in control. They were right. We were wrong. This went on for years in too many ways. Including favouritism, making you feel worthless compared to your siblings. But enough is enough. Yes, you are taking care of you dad because he is sicker now. But what else are you doing in your life for you? Its a hard question i struggle with too. This struggle is worked on in school, and journaling, and in T to focus on strengths and talents and qualities. Its a LONG struggle because our focus has been on every thing and one else around us that seem to be more important. Try starting small = a half hour of downtime? Savour the time with you - writting, doing hw, running errands outside the house and all the stress. Appreciate a few positives at that time = that you can walk, that you are good at..., those blessings from God like the ability to breathe and enjoy the sunshine... This work on you can help to see how you are valuable - not just extra arms that your family needs around the house. That value can include boundaries of what you will allow from others towards you.

[notablackbarbie]

CONSIDER: You are not bad. You are not doing bad. You are not being bad. You just cannot do/be everything for your dad anymore = a slave, a doormat, a live-in-maid, a spit bucket to regard with disgust, a "bad thing to complain about". You are you. Living at home taking care of others in these ways. And also living your life. Keep reaching out to others for support - if not T, how about other family members? There is often at least 1 OTHER person (that "cool but kinda faraway aunt/uncle/relative youve always liked") who feels the same way and could help out in some way.... You are not alone and i will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers

[cautious hope]

I think the most important thing to remember is that you are better than him.