[whoswho]

How do you deal when the person who abused you offers an apology? Do you accept it and forgive them? Or do you tell them that what they did is unforgivable?

I don't know what to feel about it. For many years I thought my brother was a heartless monster. But now I just don't know; I don't understand why he would do the things he did if he had any ability to feel remorse. It is difficult for me to see him as a fellow human being. But he apologized... Isn't that what I wanted, for him to recognize what he had done? Then why am I so angry, so disgusted?

Maybe it's just my problem.

[googley]

(((((((((Whoswho)))))))))

Apologies can be complicated things. I was wondering if you have combined accepting his apology with meaning that in accepting it you have to think what he did is okay, or that he is okay. Accepting his apology doesn't mean that what he did was okay. It doesn't mean that you have to forgive him. Forgiveness (or so they tell me since I am not there yet,) is for you, not for him. Just because he has been able to reach the point where he realizes what he did was wrong, and is able to articulate it to you, doesn't mean that you have to be at the point to be able to accept it or forgive him. You can also accept his apology, and never have anything to do with him ever again. There are lots of options. Give yourself time to think about it. I know that I would love an apology for what happened to me, but it wouldn't make it all better. It wouldn't undo all the pain that was caused. This is a big thing. Keep talking about what you are thinking and what you are feeling. If you are seeing a T, make sure you bring this up. It deserves a lot of discussion.

[Gus1234U]

alanon addresses many of the issues of harm done to family members by family members, and now to deal with that, maybe you could attend a few of their sessions, if there are some near you ? best wishes,, Gus

[whoswho]

Originally Posted by googley

I was wondering if you have combined accepting his apology with meaning that in accepting it you have to think what he did is okay, or that he is okay.

Yes, that is an important distinction. Thank you for pointing that out.

What I think of for forgiveness (and this may be completely incorrect) is that I would not have to like him or to associate with him, but I would no longer utterly despise him, either. I would be letting go of that anger. I would move on from being the helpless victim.

Originally Posted by googley

If you are seeing a T, make sure you bring this up.

Yes, I have a T and a PDoc. Neither of them really cares to talk about CSA, however. But I can try to bring it up again.

Originally Posted by googley

I know that I would love an apology for what happened to me, but it wouldn't make it all better.

That's what I thought, too, that I would love an apology. But now I'm resentful. This probably makes me a terrible person, but I resent that he has somehow improved himself. I don't want him to have any happiness, only suffering. My entire life was feed by the desire to overpower him one day. That he feels remorse, that he acknowledges what he has done, shows some kind of goodness that I didn't know was there.

I would like to think that this is all a ploy instead of a sincere apology. That would be easier to accept somehow. Perhaps I simply don't have the capacity to forgive...

But who is really the evildoer here? I think it might be me.

[googley]

Originally Posted by whoswho

Yes, that is an important distinction. Thank you for pointing that out.

What I think of for forgiveness (and this may be completely incorrect) is that I would not have to like him or to associate with him, but I would no longer utterly despise him, either. I would be letting go of that anger. I would move on from being the helpless victim.

It is great that you know what your definition of forgiveness is, but that doesn't have to mean you are ready to give it right now. You can take your time. His time line and your time line don't have to match up.

Yes, I have a T and a PDoc. Neither of them really cares to talk about CSA, however. But I can try to bring it up again.


That's what I thought, too, that I would love an apology. But now I'm resentful. This probably makes me a terrible person, but I resent that he has somehow improved himself. I don't want him to have any happiness, only suffering. My entire life was feed by the desire to overpower him one day. That he feels remorse, that he acknowledges what he has done, shows some kind of goodness that I didn't know was there.

I would like to think that this is all a ploy instead of a sincere apology. That would be easier to accept somehow. Perhaps I simply don't have the capacity to forgive...

But who is really the evildoer here? I think it might be me.

You are not an evildoer. You might think that you hope he suffers forever, and I have definitely been there and it comes back at times, but you wouldn't do something to make him suffer. That is the difference between you and him. He did something to hurt you. You not being at a place where you can forgive him, it does not hurt him. And it is a perfectly fine place in your healing to be. And healing isn't always linear. You can go back and forth between stages. Just like grief.

While I know that some Ts and Pdocs do not want to talk about the details of CSA etc, hopefully they will be willing to talk about his offering an apology since it is actually happening now.

You may be able to determine if this is a sincere apology by (if you are around him) observing his behavior and seeing if his behavior matches his words.

[Sannah]

I have had times when someone has apoligized to me and I accepted the apology but it didn't redeem them at all in my eyes. I was reacting only to the apology. The person was still the same person.

Originally Posted by whoswho

I would not have to like him or to associate with him,

This is good if this is what you want.

Originally Posted by whoswho

I would be letting go of that anger. I would move on from being the helpless victim.

This ^ might take some time and therapy?

Originally Posted by whoswho

Yes, I have a T and a PDoc. Neither of them really cares to talk about CSA, however. But I can try to bring it up again.

What? How do you know that they don't want to talk about it? Pdocs frequently leave this to the T. The T should definitely be helping you with this.

Originally Posted by whoswho

now I'm resentful. This probably makes me a terrible person, but I resent that he has somehow improved himself. I don't want him to have any happiness, only suffering. My entire life was feed by the desire to overpower him one day. That he feels remorse, that he acknowledges what he has done, shows some kind of goodness that I didn't know was there.

THis ^ needs to be worked through in therapy. You are not a terrible person. You are having a normal response to the terrible things that have happened to you.

Originally Posted by whoswho

Perhaps I simply don't have the capacity to forgive...

But who is really the evildoer here? I think it might be me.

You just have to work through this. It is too early for you to be done with it now. You are not evil.

[whoswho]

Thanks, googley, for the support and hugs...

Originally Posted by Sannah

What? How do you know that they don't want to talk about it? Pdocs frequently leave this to the T. The T should definitely be helping you with this.

I tried talking to T about it and it didn't go well. Ultimately she ended up changing the subject completely, but not before giving me a rather snide remark. "Oh, so you still feel like it's your fault? Haven't you got past that already?" I don't know why I bother to say anything to her.

I'm so impatient. How much time does it take? He apologized to me in August and I'm still fretting about it. The last time he abused me was over 2 years ago. Everyone else is ready to move on. It's only me lingering in the past. It feels like it's been a long time...

Maybe I should stop thinking so much.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by whoswho

I tried talking to T about it and it didn't go well. Ultimately she ended up changing the subject completely, but not before giving me a rather snide remark. "Oh, so you still feel like it's your fault? Haven't you got past that already?"

THis ^ is not a good way for a T to handle this! Overall, how has she reacted to other things? Is a new T a possibility?

[FFABD]

Originally Posted by whoswho

I'm so impatient. How much time does it take? He apologized to me in August and I'm still fretting about it. The last time he abused me was over 2 years ago. Everyone else is ready to move on. It's only me lingering in the past. It feels like it's been a long time...

Maybe I should stop thinking so much.

It will take exactly as long as it takes for you to process and gain peace with it. That's how long it will take. There is no timetable, average or mean that you are required to conform to in passing through this. It is yours and the pace is yours. You can't force it without putting unneeded pressure on yourself. Let it go a bit (meaning your processing, not the apology) and it will happen.

Part of loving yourself here is just giving yourself the space to process at your pace. You deserve that. Hugs.