[inbloom]

Hi everyone. Im new here, and hope that it's ok if I just sort of dive right in. I am just wondering if anyone would be willing to share some of the ways that you have acted out as a result of abuse/your past. Also, can you share some of the ways that you worked through the guilt and the shame and forgave yourself?

I am overwhelmed with guilt and shame and self-hatred now. I feel like I have done horrible things and am a terrible person. I can't forgive myself. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't bring myself to talk about details in therapy. I am too afraid to share details here because I am so afraid that I am the only one who has acted out in these ways......

*sigh* it's just really really hard.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Inbloom- DON'T ever feel that any of it was your fault!! In response to your questions my ways of acting out were more like acting "in". I would SI and I had numerous suicide attempts. I a still working through shame and guilt in therapy. Best of luck to you and remember, it was NOT your fault!

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Inbloom- DON'T ever feel that any of it was your fault!! In response to your questions my ways of acting out were more like acting "in". I would SI and I had numerous suicide attempts. I a still working through shame and guilt in therapy. Best of luck to you and remember, it was NOT your fault!

Thank you for sharing and for the support. I so appreciate it!

[PTSDlovemycats]

You are more than welcome :-)

[Sannah]

Good luck in working through this inbloom. It is great work on your part in identifying that this is one of the issues that you need to work through.

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good luck in working through this inbloom. It is great work on your part in identifying that this is one of the issues that you need to work through.

Thank you, Sannah

[embracinglife]

inbloom, it sounds like you have a lot of shame to work through on things you have done. I have also had to deal with this. I was emotionally abused growing up, and then I was raped at 17. I started to act out sexually, and became promiscuous for a couple of years....and had a lot of shame around this and very low self-esteem.

Luckily I have been going to therapy for awhile, and am still learning new things in therapy to help me understand my past and how it affects me now.

Best of luck with whatever you are struggling with. Hopefully eventually you will feel safe enough to share these things with your therapist.

[Ardmore]

Well, I decided to become the better person than my mother, after I got out of that situation I decided when I have kids of my own, I'd give them the life that my mom never gave me.

I acted out passive, empathy-like I'd say.

[jenkins09]

I will share. I was sexually abused by my brother. I acted out by becoming sexually promiscuous, had frequent run-ins with the law, had to be in control during sex to climax, created walls to keep people away, etc...

Its a ****** journey that our abusers put us on. I understand that shame that comes with this. Get a QUALIFIED therapist that has experience working with SA survivors. And that is what you are, a survivor. This doesnt have to claim your life.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I know about the shame and the guilt. It was not your fault. You are heard here!

[inbloom]

Thank you for the replies and support, and thank you to those of you willing to share.

I know that the shame and guilt does not/should not belong to me.....it is just something that wants to hang on. I am working so hard to get rid of it.

I really appreciate each of you. Thank you for caring

[BlackCanary]

I tend to feel a great deal of sorrow about the years that followed. I assumed it had happened because of my "power" over men. I tried to be careful about how I used that "power" in the future. It never was simple, never just about intimate fun, playful love or gentle affection, it was always about power too.
Now, I'm old BUT I'm not dead yet! I've got a good therapist now, and I really hope I can turn this around.

You want a list?....I think it is important for me to answer because,I know this comes from the severe trauma and abandonment and the fact I had to adjust myself instantaneously at any given moment to my environment...from the cradle....I know I am more than my deeds.

To begin with....I am two completely separate halves.I mean that in the most literal sense imaginable.I am an utter enigma,antithesis.

I was very promiscuous,sleeping with men and women.Somehow liking someone goes to sex.If you didn't want me sexually,I was valueless.
.......The contrast is,I am also someone who seems to have been never touched...as though I am a child...trembling ,shy,repressed,embarrassed.

Self-medicate with alcohol.Can't loosen up without it.Self-medicate with coffee.Can't be a manic poet without it.Either of which I am capable of cutting off at any time.

Can be very argumentative,not overtly.Since my thoughts and feelings were never worth anything to anyone,I find that I can be opinionated,when it comes to right and wrong.I can also be mute.Unable to say the basest things to communicate my needs/desires.

Sexuality is very over-the-top,or under.On the one hand...I am someone who is voiceless and knows nothing about me,what I want,how I want it.On the other hand,I want extremes.And I mean extremes.

I am an absolute lady...you can take me to a prestigious dinner formal and I would carry myself perfectly.On the other hand,Take me to a football game or a pool hall or fishing trip and I am in my element.

If you are a threat to someone I love or care for,I can be a formidable opponent.If you are a threat to me,I am mute.

Very intense person,If I am up...I am creating...want my music loud...so I can focus.I will paint,write poetry,clean,cook,explore,study,see the world as a beauty of epic imaginings....whatever it is with a passion that knows no limits.
On the other hand...I can fall to the deepest pits of sadness...knowing all the pain of the entire world...my sons...my mum....my marriage...the poor,the needy....the sick...whatever...and I know it with an intensity and a depth like nothing else.I am paralyzed.

My music can go from Frederic Chopin....to Native flute....to Coolios Gangsters paradise & TuPacs Dear momma....and then to Phantom of the opera.

The things that don't shift is the utter need I have to nurture,to encourage,to feed,clothe,forgive,love.....with a deeper love than I have seen coming from anywhere.

Sorry for such a long post...but I wouldn't have replied if acting out due to abuse weren't such a global issue.I find it necessary to be candid...maybe others will use their voice and take inventory...and have a light shown on something they need to examine?

Another thing is until my world unraveled so completely and utterly with events associated with sons illnesses,mum dying,stepdad dying,husband becoming pellucid,with what he did to my dogs,to my sons,to me,while my mum was dying,while I was in hospital,.......prior to august of last year....I never even had a thought outside my marriage.22 years .

I have to admit...in my desperation to be loved,my thoughts have been less than pristine.I had emotional involvement with someone else.The entire time,I told my husband....hoping he would want to rectify our marriage....he was unmoved...and hoped it would cause me to 'need' his body.He doesn't care.

But I think I just really need to love and be loved.Another thing for which I REFUSE shame.Because I know I possess a one person love.And to this point...I have never Physically broken that vow...but,emotionally...I admit,I have.After all....I need love,I need to give it....and I need to receive it.


Just my $00.02 WO.olf

[Perna]

Figuring out why, specifically, I was acting out in in a particular instance/moment and identifying my problem and working on that helped me feel better about myself and gave me hope for future instances. One can't just stop acting out, it's like any other behavior and has to be "caught" and then corrected over and over and one eventually gets to catching it sooner and sooner until one catches it before it happens.

My biggest problem is going with knee-jerk feelings instead of looking at the whole picture to see if my feelings are correct in their suppositions. Stewing and stewing until I exploded back at someone instead of looking at what was happening overall, "this" time, got me in the most trouble. Even abusers are not abusive all the time but one's heightened feelings make it look like they may be. Concentrating on looking at the situation instead of the feelings helps me.

[SlatkaMala]

I think many of us feel the same way. I did a lot of **** acting out of sheer rage from the abuse I've suffered.

I still beat myself up over everything, too.

Don't beat yourself up.I mean there just isnt anything anyone can do about the past...the moment is consuming enough.I am just referring to guilt.