[*doodles*]

So I posted a little about some SA that happened later in my childhood...but I have some confusing memories from when I was really little...I can remember being woken up to someone molesting me, but that is it. I can remember the fear I felt, and the confusion, and I can remember being really little(mostly because I know I was in our first house so it had to be before 7)...but that's all I remember. This is the most difficult thing for me to deal with...which is strange considering I went through and remember the details of much worse situations. Why is this one little memory so hard? And how am I supposed to deal with and get over it when I don't even know who did it to me. I feel like maybe its not even real? But those feelings are so real...when I think about it I feel like that little girl again and can feel the fear. It's so real, I couldn't have possibly made it up...but then why can't I remember more?

FYI: I'm putting a Trigger icon in my post, and I am going to suggest to staff that there be one placed in yours too. This is not a rebuke. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just that sometimes when talking about specific instances of abuse it is a good idea to put the red-and-black X mark up as a warning for those who might be upset by it.

Things do sometimes get suppressed. Although there is controversy over claims of an unscrupulous therapist planting a "false memory" and things like that, my own opinion is that things are sometimes half-remembered, never really go away entirely, and come to the surface when another event brings it to mind.

And for those who might be triggered, please proceed with caution. This could be horrifying.

I have things in my history that, despite irrefutable proof that I was there, and I was old enough to remember, I don't. In one case, my father had suffered a meltdown and was threatening suicide. Apparently he had awakened us all early that morning, wanting us to watch him shoot himself, so we would "know" that we were bad children and drove him to it. My mother somehow managed to talk the gun out of his hand, and got him to the state hospital. My memory picks up with leaving him there. I was in my teens and well old enough to remember the incident, but I have no memory at all of that morning, or of taking him to the hospital. Obviously I was in the car as we rode to the facility, if I was there to leave him behind, but I don't remember it at all and must rely on what others told me happened.

Suppressed memories could simply be God's anesthesia. While the wound is still that painful, it must be numbed until you can better handle it.

[Can't Stop Crying]

It is common for the memories from when we were very young to come in the form of feelings, some of it is because we didn't have a vocabulary to explain it. Also, when memories are starting to surface, it's common to start in bits and pieces - sort of a form of self-protection. When you are emotionally ready, sometimes the pieces start to fit together.

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

I have things in my history that, despite irrefutable proof that I was there, and I was old enough to remember, I don't. In one case, my father had suffered a meltdown and was threatening suicide. Apparently he had awakened us all early that morning, wanting us to watch him shoot himself, so we would "know" that we were bad children and drove him to it. My mother somehow managed to talk the gun out of his hand, and got him to the state hospital. My memory picks up with leaving him there. I was in my teens and well old enough to remember the incident, but I have no memory at all of that morning, or of taking him to the hospital. Obviously I was in the car as we rode to the facility, if I was there to leave him behind, but I don't remember

There was a time when my father was threatening sui too. He had loaded a bunch of us in the van and was threatening to drive off a bridge at high speeds into the traffic below. I have very little memory of this, just a glimpse here and there, it wasn't until my sister filled in the blanks that I realized the memory was real. You're right, we do suppress things until we are emotionally able to cope.

[roses4me]

My experience that as I deal with the stonger memories and put them to rest... the weaker memories become clearer and start to torment. So am dealing with them as they arise and hope that eventually, there will be no more.
roses