I told Trigger SA

I told the story, for the first time today, of what it was like living with my sexually abusive ex-husband. I told of him raping me, forcing o=== sex and a=== sex on me, torturing me, and his disregard for me as a human being. It is all in the past,but the tears flowed like a river. Tonight I hurt. I am alone. I keep telling myself I am safe. I have to listen to myself because I don't feel safe.
I feel in that strange disconnected but still hurting place. Outside looking in.

Good for you for telling. I am proud of you. I'm sorry that it hurts so much. I understand! You are in my thoughts!

if ok. Wow that was so brave of you to tell your story. I hope you can do some nice, soothing things for yourself over the next few days - it seems like often when we share something so personal there is a backlash of sorts and we feel worse for a while. You are safe now. Hang in there.

I am so sorry that you went through those horrible abuses. When we open up to tell, it brings the whole situation back to reality & something we need to work through in a healthy way through help with therapy rather than like when it happened, having no help to deal with the horrible things you were forced to experience.

My Pdoc told me after going through a trauma that the "outside looking in" feeling is depersonalization. It is actually our mind's coping skill with stressful things in our life. It's a very uncomfortable feeling & I know how afraid I feel when it happens, that someone around me will notice or that I won't respond to them correctly because it's like I'm watching myself & don't feel in control of what I'm doing or saying. It's different from dissociation because we are actually aware of ourselves where dissociation looses that awareness.

Healing from abuse takes time & having good help to work through it. Have patience with yourself & be kind to yourself. Yes, you are safe now.....keep telling your mind this & in time & with the experience of realizing your safety, you will start to believe & start to feel in in reality.....it takes time & positive experience to reinforce your knowledge of being safe.

Thank you for all the understanding. I e-mailed my T this morning about feeling foggy and disconnected but also aching in a strange way. He e-mail me back saying he wasn't surprised I was feeling that way. He suggested that I try to stay in the present as much as possible and we would work together in our sessions to try and really put the past in the past. It felt good to know what I was feeling was "normal" for the situation. I am trying to do what he said but it is hard. One more challenge! Thanks again.

I am very sorry, telling is the first part of letting it out instead of keeping it in. It is very hard to let it out, you are being strong. There are many nice people here that feel for you and understand, we know how it feels, the road ahead, you are not alone.
Open Eyes

Good work Pat. I'm sorry that it is so hard.

Keep reaching out to those here on PC and your T. When I went through my own trauma healing, I sent my T up to a dozen emails a day! Most of them were just emotionally throwing up the poison.

Only when an animal feels safe after an attack, once they are back in their den, will their body shake and tremble. The body and mind holds onto that pain until the time is SAFE for them to process through the pain.

That is what you are doing now. Don't hold back the tears. Allow them to pour out of your soul. Allow the pain to come out now. It is a part of the healing. It hurts. It sucks. It is not right. It is not fair. But that is the only way to heal - to walk THROUGH it emotionally.

Good job in telling someone! I know the pain that sexual abuse brings. I haven't told anyone really about the times I was raped, I just don't want to re-live those nights.

Thank you so much for the understanding and support. I am trying hard to stay in the present but find I am having some dissociative episodes again that I used to have a long time ago and some body memories. Is that normal to happen after talking about something from a long time ago? I had some of it when dealing with some childhood issues, but adult issues? I blamed it all on my self because of the csa, that I couldn't be a normal adult sexual partner so it was my fault. It is hard to just drop that guilt.
So much to talk about with T but it is so hard. Thank you friends for helping me be brave. I want to get well someday.

I understand..can't say a lot more than that right now. I think it's normal for CSA survivors to tend to blame themselves, even as adults in adult situations. I know I have. Keep talking..it is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I hope in the end to be free!

Whenever a person experiences something traumatic, to survive it, the person usually seperates themselves from it emotionally while it is occurring. (And they continue to seperate themselves from it). When you talk about it today with your therapist you are attempting to reconnect with your feelings from that time. This is difficult but very necessary to healing. This is what causes the dissociation and body memories.

I will be returning to my T tomorrow.This is my first appointment since I told him about my SA at the hands of my ex.I want to hide.My anxiety is through the roof.I feel so embarrassed to just walk in the door. I know this is all me. He is nothing but supportive gentle and kind in my experience up till now, but this is all new stuff I've not shared before. I know I need to trust him to help me get through this. It is just so hard.

I'll go with you Nannypat....I have a lot of practice in these tough sessions. You can do it!

That would be so great to think you were with me. Thank you.I am kind of scared, but that makes me feel like a little kid and I am farrrrrrrrrrrr from being a little kid. I have grandkids!

I can certainly understand your distress. What I do when I am in such situations is be upfront right away with my discomfort and this really brings relief.

Thanks for coming with me.It was tough.I hurt. But it was good not to be alone.

How are you feeling today?

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad - I struggle with depersonalisation and it is horrible - sort of in a state of limbo or being locked in somewhere I can't get out of. It is really helpful for me to hear that you have been able to share some things with your T, gives me hope that oneday I may feel as brave - I can also relate to having body memories - my T was getting me to do some mindfulness stuff on Tuesday and that suddenly triggered some body stuff for me - felt like it came out of nowhere and I couldn't tell him in detail what was happening to me, but it has stayed with me since. I have been reading a lot of mindfulness stuff and about emotions - that they don't stay with us forever and are things that arise and in time go again - I try to remember this when things feel overwhelming for me. I am also trying to tell myself that these things aren't happening to me right now and are just stories going around in my head - easier said than done, but I shall not give up trying.

Thinking of you.

I guess I feel like I am settling down a little bit.I have a friend who is having a brunch tomorrow for a few friends.She is DVRing the Royal wedding and going to show it during the brunch so I have been trying to keep busy doing some things to help her. It keeps me out of my head a little anyway. My T was very supportive and kept reminding me I don't have to do this alone. I understand he wants to help me as much as he can.I can e-mail him whenever and he always responds. In the end though I still am the one that is alone with the pain like you and the rest of us. We walk out that door and have to deal with it till the next time.
Thank you for checking in with me. It made me feel good, like someone was thinking about me. How are you doing?

I have T today. so here comes the anxiety, but otherwise hanging in there! Have fun at your brunch...it is good to have distractions and company when you are feeling overwhelmed!
You are not alone in this....you have your T and of course PC

Hope you have a good session.I will be thinking of you.