[SlatkaMala]

I rarely disassociate. If I do, it is during sexual stuff.

I have nobody in my offline life who I can tell this to because I am too ashamed.

So, I went on the first date with that doctor guy. He was very charming, fun to be around. Except I felt a little big iffy about kissing passionately on the first date. But he had this "Kiss me" demanding voice. I felt kind of strange. He took me on his sail boat in Lake Michigan. We rode in his Maserati. To be honest with you, such trappings of such wealth were very scary to me.

Then we hung out at his house on date #2. At first he was very warm and gentle. Funny. He cooked for me. However things just went downhill from there. He kept pushing further, but I told him that I don't feel comfortable with that. He kept pushing. I told him to please respect my limits.

I disassociated and in a split second I was that five year old child who was being molested by that teenager who lived on my block. I became robotic. I became numb. I froze, unable to move. He didn't even seem to notice the look of terror I had on my face. Or notice that tears were forming in my eyes.

I haven't heard back from him from an email that I wrote. I don't know if I even want to.

My gut reaction is to delete and block him from Myspace and never talk to him again.

I feel like I'm some ****ing marked target "I WAS SEXUALLY MOLESTED AS A CHILD! PLEASE DO MORE DAMAGE TO ME BECAUSE I'M ****ING WORTHLESS."

I am 38 years old. I should have been able to confidnently say **** OFF.

But my car was in his garage, so I was essentially trapped.

I told my offline friends that everything is ****ing peachy because I am afraid of their judgment.

I just feel like I want to disappear from humanity.

[Onward2wards]

(((((Slatka)))))

Your feelings and reactions are understandable. Do you have a T to talk to about this? Your offline friends may be more understanding than you think. Being cautious about who to trust with personal feelings is wise, though. I'm sure we've all been burned both by divulging too much or not sharing when needed. It's a judgement call; all sharing unfortunately involves some risk.

I know you are feeling worthless, but I hope you realize you're really a perfectly worthwhile person just processing difficult emotions?

[Nightside of Eden]

Slatka, I am so sorry that happened to you. He should have respected your boundaries. What he did was WRONG. It's not your fault that you triggered into a state where you couldn't necessarily speak up the way you might have liked to. That doesn't make any of it your fault. I know how hard it is to communicate when something triggers you that hard.

I totally understand feeling like you're marked as a target. But you're not. These things happen more than people dare talk about.

I think you'd be absolutely right to cut him off of your accounts and never speak to him again. You don't want people in your life who ignore boundaries like that.

again. You're not worthless, hon, and you didn't deserve this.

[MoAnamCara]

slatka,

You have nothing to be ashamed about, at all. I am sorry this happened to you. I really do agree with not contacting him further. If this is his behavior on date one and date two I would not be comfortable going any further, trust your gut on this one.

Big, big hugs and take care of you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Similar things have happened to me, you're not alone, and it's not your fault. You didn't make this happen...I feel like a have a big sign on me that says "take advantage of me". I wish I could say more, but that's all I can get out right now. YOU MATTER! it was not your fault

[Open Eyes]

Hi SlatkaMala,

I would like to try to address you if I may. I am a victim as well and it is and has been a very difficult area for me. I am 54 years old and so I have been at it for a long time Slatka. Especially since I have addressed it since I was two years old.

Because I have been trying to address it for a long time, I do know what doesn't work. And, I think that up to this point in my life it was more of an instinct for me than a real acknowledgement.

I can really relate to the feeling of having some sort of stamp on your forehead that says, abuse me, here I am. As a matter of fact, when I first started working with my new therapist I was pretty angry still and
trying very hard to find my way past my current issues that really damaged a lot of things that I had used to overcome my past. I had a very healthy way of dealing with a lot of difficult things in my life and when that was destroyed, I felt completely destroyed.

I can still remember how I stood up in front of my therapist in complete anger and asked, "OK, what is it about me that has this stamp on my head? Why do I always end up either being persued or abused somehow and I just never see it coming. What is wrong here, because I truely can't see it or put my finger on it no matter how hard I try."

I did try Slatka, very hard, all my life to be optimistic and keep going forward and believe me, I was hit so many times, in so many ways.
I could only go on what I knew that didn't work, and some of the things that did work. And the whole time, even though I really looked, I never seemed to be able to find someone who was stronger or ahead somehow.
At every point, I had to figure it out on my own. And now, I realize why I was alone at many points. Most people run or walk away and even stuff the things about them that are weaknesses.

When I came here Slatka, I was at my lowest point. And I had very poor computer skills because even the computer was a source of abuse in my past. So, I only used it as a source, I was afraid to touch buttons and click on things. When I learned how to use it from my daughter I can remember her saying don't click on this don't ever go there, be very careful etc. So, I only did the very minimum. And that was also, in some ways my life.

So, coming to PC, was very brave in many ways and because I didn't know alot, it was also a rude awakening. And, in many ways I was misunderstood, right from the start. I had to really be brave Slatka,
and I almost walked away completely. But I didn't, I came back and that is what I do in life as well. I try to face the demons so to speak. And I have been doing that ever since I came here. And I am glad that I hung in there because coming here has helped me see some things that I have tried to address outside PC. It made me more aware of how I look at things and where I am strong and also where I am weak.

This post Victims of Abuse was the one place I would try to come but I couldn't seem to do it. And I didn't really understand, and I also spent times in other areas. But that is what I did in life as well. I tried very hard to work my way around it, focus on my strong parts first, before I came directly here. But another thing I noticed is that whenever I tried to come here, all I seemed to see was a lot of anger. And, I could only just say little things, just to let myself know that I did at least touch it a little.

I think that I am at a point where I can at least come here and try. I am at the point where I can try to look at it and think about it.

I see you and I see what you are saying. I can tell you that I respect you for at least having the courage to try to have a relationship. But I do see something that you don't see. I see the situation you are describing and what you tried to address. The person that you went out with had a lot of red flags that you didn't see. And, I never really saw it either. Part of that is because of who we are and what our core is. What is our base?

I can see it better now, because there is a lot of it here and I have been addressing it. Our base is that we are basically good people and we wanted to please and we even thought that if we were good that people would like us, respect us. That is why we never see it coming, that is one of the stamps that we had on our foreheads. And, that is one of the reasons we can be mislead, even in the worst ways. And that is one of the things that we begin to even hate about ourselves, but don't really understand it either. We say, we are weak, we are not strong, we are victims. We can't seem to trust anymore, and we struggle to figure out how to set boundaries to protect ourselves. We can be new at it and sometimes we can be agressive to others because we are so new at it.

That is where you are Slatka. You are trying but you havent realized what the red flags are yet. You are so nice and deserving and you don't think like the people who abuse. That is why we have so much trouble.
It is our core, or kindness that prevents us from seeing it. So, my first suggestion is that you have to begin to learn about where the red flags are. If you look back at that date, they were there. This man was somewhat narcissistic, your not that way so you didn't see it. He was parading his pride in materialistic things that he felt gave him permission to get what ever he wanted, to cross boundaries, even yours.

Well, I could keep going but I think that what I have told you is a good place to start. You were brave in trying, but you have to learn a little more about the red flags. Things to look for that were never important to you, but are things that abusive people do.

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

This guy sounds like he is only interested in one thing. What are you going to do?

[SlatkaMala]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This guy sounds like he is only interested in one thing. What are you going to do?

I blocked him on Myspace and I blocked his email. I may even change my phone number. I just don't want to have anything to do with him.

From now on NO MORE RICH GUYS! They are evil and scary and think they can own everyone.

Doctors and lawyers are one and of the same! **** the lot of them!

[Ardmore]

Originally Posted by SlatkaMala

I blocked him on Myspace and I blocked his email. I may even change my phone number. I just don't want to have anything to do with him.

From now on NO MORE RICH GUYS! They are evil and scary and think they can own everyone.

Doctors and lawyers are one and of the same! **** the lot of them!

Good for you:
I agree, he seems like he is interested in one thing more then the others, if I were you I would do the same.

Be good to yourself and know that you aren't worthless

[Nightside of Eden]

I'm glad to hear you blocked him, Slatka. You definitely don't want a man like him in your life.

I do kind of want to point out that this is not logical thinking, however:

From now on NO MORE RICH GUYS! They are evil and scary and think they can own everyone.

Doctors and lawyers are one and of the same! **** the lot of them!

A lot of men from all social classes think they are entitled to treat women badly. Some wealthy men are good people, as are some poor men. Both law and medicine may attract a higher percentage of jerks because they're professions which lend themselves to dominant, overly-confident personalities (it takes a certain measure of arrogance to take someone's life into your hands or argue law in front of an audience). But one of my friends is a medical doctor and he is very kind and treats all women with the respect they deserve, so this thinking really can't be universally applied.

I totally understand the black and white thinking you're having right now, the urge to classify people together so you can avoid the abusers in the future. Unfortunately life is not black and white like that and this sort of thinking only leads to paranoia, prejudice, and missed opportunities. I know, because I think the same way most of the time, as anyone who has heard me rant against entire groups of people due to a few bad experiences can attest to. But ultimately this kind of thinking won't protect you from potential abusers. It will only cause you to miss out on potential friendships and relationships. And I don't want that for you!

and I hope you can find someone who will treat you with the respect you deserve when you're ready for a relationship.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by SlatkaMala

I blocked him on Myspace and I blocked his email. I may even change my phone number. I just don't want to have anything to do with him.

From now on NO MORE RICH GUYS! They are evil and scary and think they can own everyone.

Doctors and lawyers are one and of the same! **** the lot of them!

Well, it isn't all rich guys, doctors and lawyers Slatka. I have a cousin who is a famous plastic surgeon, he addresses rebuilding faces that are burned or damaged from disease, not the kind for typical beauty issues.
He is a wonderful man, always was, sensitive and kind. He now owns a hopital that focuses on rebuilding womens breasts after cancer.

And, some lawyers do have a sense of passion for justice.

So, we cannot always generalize.

I think that your cutting that person off is really good. I hope you will keep trying to meet someone nice. They are out there too and tend to be shy.

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

[roses4me]

I dated a sychologist (can't seem to spell it). He turned out to be psychopath. Some 'professionals' can be really messed up.

I don't think all men are pushy but I have dated some. Some don't realize it and if you ask them to stop, they stop.

The ones that continue to push accentuate my anxiety disorder so I am trying to make better choices.

Good for you on making a decision and sticking to it.
roses