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#1
May 19, 2011, 10:22 AM
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I don`t know if it might trigger some of you....it IS about C.S.A so be aware if you easily get triggered by this kind of stuff...
Right now, after talking to 3 of my child alters, all aged 4, i understand this body was abused. It was a neighborer my mom left me with when she went to work, back there in Russia 1989 and 1990.... Mom would bring me to her apartment and today i have flash backs of her doing those dirty things to me. This is why i feel so bad, so dirty so ugly so disgusting....so yuck...so SHOCKED so NUMB - she would give me tea - at the beginning of most meetings...and then I would not really remember....what happened next......( she probably put some good tasteless drugs in the tea) And **** happened (yes literally the words...) She did really disgusting things, and horrible (cruel) and sexual things that shame me till this day and make me feel dirty every time i feel i am attracted to someone. Because of flash backs and alter relationships. It is comforting to know that i am not alone and that people go though it and still function....they do don`t they?  please God.... i just DON`T WANT TO DISCONNECT AGAIN WITH REALITY. I mean - WITH REALITY OF THE NOW!! |
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#2
May 19, 2011, 02:46 PM
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I understand! Sorry this is happening right now. You are safe now, even when you don't feel like it. No one should ever hurt a child! I wish I had some words of wisdom - all I can say is that I understand what it feels like to feel dirty and ashamed! You are not alone. I'm trying to process it the best I know how; I'm learning there is no easy way out. I'm functioning, minimally, but functioning.
__________________
 Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. ~ Maya Angelou Thank you SadNEmpty for my avatar and signature.
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 Irine
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#3
May 19, 2011, 03:39 PM
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ladymacbeth - I am so sorry that such horrible things happened to you. It must be a shock to recall those things so suddenly. Yes, abuse is surviveable. You do not have to lose connection to the now. Just realize that you were IN NO WAY at fault. billieJ
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FORGIVENESS Releases the poison from your system and sets you free  ~ From the Heart ~ billieJ
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| Irine
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