[BrokenNBeautiful]

I really dislike feeling like I have to grieve an abuser!

Also, I still feel very guilty about calling her an abuser.

My aunt!

A voice in my head says, "Billi, she did the best she could, get over it".

But I can't deny any longer what she did to me.

I won't.

But I still miss that b***h.

And I still have self-hate for missing her!

Feel *crazy*.

Billi

[Sannah]

She took care of you. All children need to attach to the people who take care of them, even if they abuse them. You are pretty normal. It is okay to feel both things for her.

[Sannah]

I went to a conference on grief and what I learned is that the relationship with the deceased needs to be reconstructed so that the person left behind can still have some sort of relationship with the deceased. (Talking about the person, etc. instead of never thinking of them). Was there any part of the relationship that was good?

I just read your profile and you write that you were entangled with her. This might need to be untangled in order to get some relief?

[Sannah]

Just wanted to add that this relationship can be reconstructed just so that you can tell her what you need to tell her and then you can say goodbye. You can do this with letters, an empty chair or by telling someone else what you want to tell her.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Children need someone to take care of them and to look out for them and it's okay that you still miss your aunt - I think it can be very normal. Maybe you could have some sort of private ceremony - one from the angry part of you and one from the part of you that really cared about her.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Thanks.

In fact, yesterday, I said to her, my aunt, "If you are in Heaven right now and no longer burdened by your own pain, you can see mine now. I hope in your purest form you can understand what I went thru with you."

Then I told her about what happened to me; what I experienced.

I am just scratching the surface.

I went thru the same process with my mother. It was hard to grieve, her, too, after she passed away when I was 9. But I did get over it. At least the worst of it. I still miss her, but I have a good relationship with her now.

I look forward to that "reconstruction".

Billi

[Sunna]

Originally Posted by billi_leli

In fact, yesterday, I said to her, my aunt, "If you are in Heaven right now and no longer burdened by your own pain, you can see mine now. I hope in your purest form you can understand what I went thru with you."

Then I told her about what happened to me; what I experienced.

Billi

This is beautiful way of doing it.

There is a shamanic ceremony to cut the energetic connection to a person. If you are interested I can describe in a PM. It's not Christian, but the way I see it it's more symbolic psychological play, than pagan religion. And maybe, just maybe we really are energy beings and this stuff is real, while our physical "reality" is merely an illusion.

[Sannah]

Good work Billi! Keep us updated on how you are doing?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Sunna

This is beautiful way of doing it.

There is a shamanic ceremony to cut the energetic connection to a person. If you are interested I can describe in a PM. It's not Christian, but the way I see it it's more symbolic psychological play, than pagan religion. And maybe, just maybe we really are energy beings and this stuff is real, while our physical "reality" is merely an illusion.

I am interested, Suna.

I am not Christian, but my aunt was, and I was honoring her beliefs. She believed that she would go to Heaven. So I imagined her there and spoke to her there.

I am not officially any belief system (christian or pagan) but I like the idea of disconnecting.

I would like that.

Maybe it will help with these dreams I keep having of her.

Thanks,

Billi