[Lifeistrulyaride]

This one is a little different than my first...

I posted on here that my primary reason for being here is because I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. Here's my problem:

My memory has blocked it out of my head and I know a lot of survivors do that. Ever since I was 3, I have had constant sexual nightmares and dreams. Some were nightmares where I'd be pinned down on the floor and be raped..other times they were nightmares about being chased..falling off a roof of a sky scrapper, being physically abused..being attacked in the dark..seeing a man with a knife etc. Other dreams were sexual related..touching..or seeing other people get raped or sexually violated. They would be violent dreams of abuse to other people too. I never saw the face of the man in my dreams or nightmares.

Ever since I was young, I always touched myself. Repeatedly. I masturbated when I was 3..and from now on. Every night before I went to bed, I would. When I was a little older...I discovered objects like a back massager or other things that would vibrate or could penetrate. Sometimes, I would even touch myself while others were around me. My mom would tell me to stop being inappropriate. As I got older I was more promiscuous. I flashed people my chest a lot. Did those kind of things. That degraded me more.

I never had a crush or relationship til the age of 18. I came out as gay in my senior year of high school. Before then... I still touched myself..now not just at night. Throughout the day I got urges. But they weren't good urges. I remember whenever I'd watch a show about pregnant women or women who were raped...I just pictured them getting raped by "good people" like doctors or therapists..I had messed up day dreams. Even when I were really sick I'd have to masturbate. I couldn't fall asleep at night without doing so. At age 16, I was at a party where a boy tried to take advantage of me..and I slapped him in the face and left. I've been to sex shops as well.

Back a few months ago at a family gathering while my mom was drunk she told my Nana how she once took me to a doctor when I was 2 because she suspected my father of sexually abusing me but nothing showed up. Then she said she suspected of my bus driver of sexually abusing me. I used to live in Long Island and when I attended a program I'd take the bus..I was the last stop. I'd always come off the bus in tantrums..screaming and crying..my mom called me the devil child. I never ate when I was younger either. Always refused meals. My grandpa recalled me being that way after the bus. It was later confirmed my bus driver was arrested for being an alcoholic..and for some other offenses. I never found out or realized or remembered if I were sexually abused..

But now I'm 21. I have nightmares a few times each month. I still masturbate a few times each day. I am in a relationship and we have problems with sex. I'm a lesbian. My girlfriend is an amazing person. But sometimes I just don't get off. All our fights are about sex. I told my girlfriend I want her to be more dominating..for her to initiate more..and to show how much she loves me. I'm an extremely sexual person. So I was hurt when I'd do things to her and she'd just fall asleep without reciprocating..or when she'd say she's too tired..or she didn't feel good or she'd ignore my sexual advances. I shouldn't get angry..as hurt as I do over this? I don't think. I addressed her and we're working on it. She knows she has to be more dominant...but I really think deep down this sexual problem is rooted within me.