[shezbut]

My bf and I have been together for more than 2 years now. We've been very intimate with one another countless times. Something about this morning was different.

That said, my bf came back to bed after his shower this morning. He spooned me and we feel asleep together. An hour or so later, I woke to my bf rubbing me. I didn't mind it ~ it felt good.

All of the sudden, something about the way that he touched me....it reminded me of my uncle in-law. Like a memory was triggered. Shame came with the memory, as I felt pleasure with the stimulation. I froze stiff with fear. I didn't say anything. Just tried to "be". (I used to do the same thing with my uncle in-law, as a matter of fact. In hopes that he'd just stop and leave me alone.)

My bf picked up on my stiffness after a couple of minutes and stopped. I felt guilty for being so stiff, and not talking with my bf about how I was feeling. But, he doesn't really understand how I can be so reactive 25+ years later. Why I can't just put the past behind me, etc.

I just don't know what to do with these emotions that I'm feeling. The guilt and shame, the fear, the relentless self-blame and self-hate. They feel never-ending to me!

[Butterflies Are Free]

I don't think the emotions/feelings ever go away until we start to work on them. Is there someone you could talk to about what happened to you?

[kaliope]

shez
i wish i was farther along in the book i was reading on trauma. but what you are describing is what they call the 90/10 reaction. all based on the memories, chemicals in our bodies. 10% of what happened is based on today, the acutally event and the other 90% flooded in from the past.

i am so sorry that this has happened to you. i wish that you didnt have to experience these feelings of shame and guilt because of some slimeball. i hope your boyfiend is understanding.

i wish you peace and healing

[Omers]

Yuck! I am sorry something got stirred up. Hang in there it DOES get better!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

I don't think the emotions/feelings ever go away until we start to work on them. Is there someone you could talk to about what happened to you?

I do see a T regularly, but there are always so many issues and topics to discuss, 50 minutes goes by real fast! I'll have to put an asterisk next to 9/3, to remind myself to focus upon this issue on 9/13.

[shezbut]

Interesting kaliope ~

I hadn't heard that statistic before. It does make sense, but it's awfully tough to ignore the intense emotions! I guess that I probably should explain why I'm so withdrawn today.

Thank you for responding!

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Omers

Yuck! I am sorry something got stirred up. Hang in there it DOES get better!

Thank you Omers. Just have to work on becoming more patient with myself, I suppose.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by shezbut

My bf picked up on my stiffness after a couple of minutes and stopped. I felt guilty for being so stiff, and not talking with my bf about how I was feeling. But, he doesn't really understand how I can be so reactive 25+ years later. Why I can't just put the past behind me, etc.

It sounds like there are three issues you are trying to address:

1. How upset you feel when you re-experience the trauma.
2. How guilty you feel for 'interrupting' the moment.
3. The confusion your boyfriend has about your reactions.

Have you thought about inviting your bf into a therapy session to discuss your trauma reactions? Having a T to walk through what to expect when you get triggered--and to help brainstorm ways you two can respond to the reactions--can be very helpful. Your bf may not quite understand that re-experiencing it means it feels EXACTLY like it's happening again. I didn't get that until my T explained it to me, and it was happening to me!

Your reactions are so so so normal. You may not be able to stop them, but if you can respond to them with compassion and understanding, you will probably feel less thrown about by them. Being loving towards yourself when you are hurting often feels counterintuitive, but you deserve to care about yourself.

[Sannah]

Hi Shezbut, I'm glad that your bf picks up on your response and respects that. How do you feel about him stimulating you while you are asleep? Would you prefer that he waits until you are awake or at least wakes you up first?

Could you have told him at that time that you just got triggered? Being open with him is good I think.

Originally Posted by shezbut

Shame came with the memory, as I felt pleasure with the stimulation. I froze stiff with fear. I didn't say anything. Just tried to "be". (I used to do the same thing with my uncle in-law, as a matter of fact. In hopes that he'd just stop and leave me alone.)

This ^ is something to share with your therapist. Your response came from the past. Getting yourself to respond to today eventually would be really helpful to you. Talking to your therapist about a plan for next time (how you can respond) would be helpful. Talking about your shame with your therapist would be really helpful to.