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#1
Sep 09, 2011, 02:08 PM
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I was hurt (I don't like the word "abuse") physically and emotionally as a child. I don't know at what age it started, but it ended when I left home at 19 or sometime soon after that. The thing is, the hurting seems to have been a response to my behavior problems. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 21, and had these autistic behaviors, including aggression, as a child. My parents say the behavior problems didn't start till I was like 8 or 9, and as I said I don't know when the hurting started. So I'm grappling with guilt and feeling I called for it and deserved it. Some of my staff say the huting was probably way out of line for my behavior, but other people say that I may be very sensitive to trauma/abuse (not meaning to be derogatory or anything). Did anyone else who survived abuse have behavior problems? I sometimes wonder whether the behavior problems may've been a response to the hurting, but we can never be sure as I don't want my parents involved in my care now and they always blamed me when I was a child.
__________________
"People are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into the wound to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." - Tori Amos Current DX (December 2019): autism spectrum disorder, unspecified personality disorder Current RX (December 2019): Abilify 30mg, Celexa 40mg, Ativan 1mg PRN |
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#2
Sep 09, 2011, 02:30 PM
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We never "deserve" to be hurt. Other people's behavior, especially adult behavior toward a child is their problem, their "choice". There are a zillion ways someone can respond to things that bother them (your behavior causing problems for your parents) that are not hurtful for anyone! Children are smaller and don't have as much experience and are much easier for a parent to distract or restrain (with a hug, not a jerk/slap/angry physical response or emotionally hurtful words (one of my stepmother's "favorite" phrases is that if I did something she'd "hit me so hard it would make my head spin", merely words but. . .) or put in time out, respond to in non-extreme or threatening ways. An adult's anger is rarely about a child's behavior, but something else going on in that adult's life.
Being sensitive is not a good or bad thing; just something you have to know about yourself and work with so you don't "use it" to excuse bad behavior on your own part. A child has to be taught how to respond and how to understand feelings and acceptable/good responses to what we feel, etc. If we are not taught well, because our parents don't know these things to teach us, usually, then we do what we think of, using a child's perceptions/thoughts, and that won't work as we get older! We have to learn better, more appropriate ways to respond and give up our behavior that doesn't serve us well or which might hurt others. But little that we do as young children, learning all this stuff for the first time/new, is "wrong" in and of itself.
__________________
"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
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#3
Sep 09, 2011, 02:41 PM
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Thanks. I didn't mean to use my being sensitive as an excuse just that some people (like my therapist) use it to explain why I have my difficulties while I endured relatively "mild" hurting (like, no sexual abuse or anything). I am very appreciative of your explanation re deserving or not deserving hurting. Some people including my staff have said similar things to me, but some people assuem that somehow my behavior must've been so bad that it somehow warranted the hurting.
__________________
"People are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into the wound to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." - Tori Amos Current DX (December 2019): autism spectrum disorder, unspecified personality disorder Current RX (December 2019): Abilify 30mg, Celexa 40mg, Ativan 1mg PRN |
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#4
Sep 10, 2011, 07:46 AM
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Astridetal,
Hi I see that you are from Europe as i am. I am sorry that you were hurt and you can tell that it was mild. I am sorry if you were hurt. But we have only chance if we tell to ourself. As child you were not responsible for your behaviour and it is understandable that if you were hurt you were not a friendly child. I was not a friendly child either. Now we are an adult and we should learn to be responsible for our behaviour and after we can really tell without feeling of guilty I was a ...... child. |
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#5
Sep 10, 2011, 04:15 PM
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Thanks for this comment. I am not sure whether my hurting was "mild". I have DID as a result, but maybe I'm just oversneisitive. Or was that not wha tyou meant? Sorry if I'm confused.
__________________
"People are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into the wound to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." - Tori Amos Current DX (December 2019): autism spectrum disorder, unspecified personality disorder Current RX (December 2019): Abilify 30mg, Celexa 40mg, Ativan 1mg PRN |
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#6
Sep 11, 2011, 05:16 AM
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Quote:
it is does not a matter if it was mild or not mild, abuse is abuse. and what I meant that it is now that we have to change our behavour and after we can tell "I was a bad child but I am not more a child." take care mediator |
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#7
Sep 12, 2011, 08:15 AM
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Okay, thanks for the explanation. That makes a lot of sense.
__________________
"People are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into the wound to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." - Tori Amos Current DX (December 2019): autism spectrum disorder, unspecified personality disorder Current RX (December 2019): Abilify 30mg, Celexa 40mg, Ativan 1mg PRN |
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#8
Sep 12, 2011, 10:25 AM
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Hi Astridetal. I think a lot of abuse can come from parents who don't know how to deal with a child. And yes, their abuse could increase your acting out. Parents and children react to each other. Parents are the adults in the situation. Violence never solves anything and it makes things worse.
You needed understanding and to be taught how to deal with things when you were a child.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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