[smiley99]

Hi, I am going thru a very emotional roller coaster right now. I have been in what I thought/think was a toxic relationship. I realize it takes 2 to make the relationship toxic. I have a few very close friends, but I always feel alone. I feel that I need others to make me happy. The relationship started 3 years ago, when I was going through my divorce of 11 years. I have 2 children from that marriage. I met the love of my life or so I thought, he was also unhappily married and when he realized I was going through a divorce he started approaching me, emailing me, etc. We had an affair, but he left his marriage within a month after we got involved. We both fell head over heals for each other. We dated for a year, then moved in together with my 2 children, I ended up pregnant within 5 months after we moved in together. We were engaged to get married. I had started seeing red flags soon into the relationship. He was controlling, didn't like my friends, would have major melt downs if he was working on a project that did not go his way...he also lied to me a couple times that I know of...this all took place before we moved in together. He would manipulate me into making decisions. Long story short, soon after we moved in together, he became moody, irratable, during my pregnancy I was so depressed that I wanted to just die. He was not supportive, he started taking the back seat on responsibility with my other 2 kids, he sometimes would not talk to us when we got home from work/school, he never worried about dinner for us, he did his own thing, he called me names, and cussed at me in front of the kids on several occasions, he would talk about me to his parents, he never made me feel secure or stable in our relationship. I was constantly trying to please him, walking on egg shells, he was never happy, he seemed miserable. Then he would do something nice or sweet to think everything was all better, then 2 days later it was back on the roller coaster again...I cried all the time, could never figure him out. A lot of other things happened and were said during this time, too much to go into. We now have a daughter together, and he no longer lives with us, after he put his hands on me 6 months ago (which of course was my fault). Problem is I can't stop thinking about him! I obsess about him, where is he, what is he doing, constantly looking at my phone, and then when I hear from him its like instant relief, I start feeling better. Its sick! I have lost a lot of weight too. I have to get better!! I have a great job, 3 healthy beautiful children. How do I stop the cycle? He makes me feel like I have the problem, he still wants to have sex, and says that is where we need to start if we are ever going to get our relationship back....I want to believe him, but I know how miserable I was when he was here, but now I am so miserable without him, I just don't know what to do! Any suggestions? Anyone ever been in this situation? It makes it more challenging when you have a child together!

[Purple Heart]

Hi they say unless you change the patterns formed in youir childhood your destined to repeat those dysfunctional patterns in adulthood ie marrying your father. You will need therapy to break that dysfunctional stranglehold where you are fixated on your ex.

[missbelle]

a relationship addiction.......Hopefully you are seeing a therapist and dealing with this. Sometimes we also are addicted to chaos whcih is why a lot of abuse surviviors find the same partner again..also because they know what to expect. We are used to certain behaviors even if they are bad and destructive. You can break this cycle by therapy and realizing you are good enough to have a normal, healthy relationship!!

Oh, I say this as I have been there......but I got better. I am older now . I have learned to love and appreciate myself and realize I am good company!! I realized I deserved to be happy...and I chose that instead of pain and confusion and drama!

Hugs;

[Marie123]

I had 31 years of abuse and now divorce ...yes we tend to repeat our pasts and try to fix them.
Therapy is your best bet, so that you do not go back into the abusive toxic situation, and saying "sex" is where you should start, etc......totally idiotic, self-=serving....and wrong! Relationships begin.....with respect, etc.
I suggest the book which saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

He did (and will) not only continue his abusive behavior, but will teach your children to be abusers.....or marry one.

I think your obsession/grief, etc....is that you miss what you never had.

[smiley99]

Thank you all for your responses. I know what I need to do, its common sense to me, as we (to include my children) were miserable when he lived here so I can't comprehend why I would ever want that back!. Its like a drug! Now that he is gone, our house is much more relaxed and without his family drama its been a lot better. Its just hard as he comes back and starts to tell me exactly what I want and need to hear. I want to believe him, he says I just don't understand him. But yet he only wants to hang out if I mention sex, he never just wants to hang out to be around the kids and I....its only to if we are gonna go out and have fun or go have sex.
I know I deserve better and so do my children! He was so different the first year we dated and was so attentive and loving, and it got rotten real quick. I guess he was putting on a front to get what he wanted.
I appreciate all responses, guidance, recommendations!
Thank you again!