I am getting so sick of hearing people say that. It implies that if someone is a jerk to me, it's always my fault because I must have somehow set myself up for it. The explanation can never be that *they* are a jerk, can it? The explanation always has to be that I allow myself to be mistreated, that it is my fault, my failure. Again. As usual.

It's akin to "Respect is something you earn, not something you demand." Well, if I haven't earned it by now, I guess I don't deserve it, do I? It's OK for people to interrupt and overtalk me. It's OK to download and install things on my computer without asking me first. It's OK to tell me what to do in my own home. It's OK to borrow my things without my permission, and then lose or damage them. When I make a request, it's OK to ignore me and pretend I didn't say anything, or to make false promises and then just keep on doing like you're doing. It's OK to sidestep my questions instead of answering them. It's OK to keep doing all of these things until I escalate and lose my temper, and then call me crazy, psycho, out of control, and all those other names because I lost my temper. And if I ask for an apology because I was mistreated, by all means, it's perfectly OK to scream that apology directly into my ear. Because I deserve it. After all, I taught people to treat me that way.

[Open Eyes]

((((((LovebirdsFlying))))))

Your right, I have treated others the way I would want to be treated.
I have respected others the way I would have like to have been respected.
But so many have been very unkind to me, very mean and disrespectful.
And everytime I seem to get upset about it, I keep getting a reply like,
If I cannot forgive my neighbor, it must be that I do not love myself.

Well, I don't believe that. I did work very hard to love my family and myself and be productive. I was nice to my neighbors. I had nothing to do with others not learning how to respect others, lie, cheat, and cause harm to others. Those things were never anything I ever did.

If there is some kind of punishment for being a kind thoughtful person who respects others, than I have endured that punishment in many ways.

Somewhere, somehow, someway, others have to learn how to respect someone who is kind and giving and truely does try to do for their family and themselves. I should not have to give myself up because others want me to give myself up. I cannot remove the lies and lack of respect in others. I have tried everyway I can think of,
and I have realized that it is a labor that bears no fruit.

I have come to realize that often others do not tend to their own gardens. I have come to realize that others just look for the fruits of the gardens of others in which they can take, take, take and when there is little left, they are angry at me.

No, it simply was not fair to me and my garden when others took of so much of my fruit and have now left me with so little seeds and so much sadness that I honestly don't know if I can grow my garden again. Though I am trying, others seem to quickly take whatever I manage to grow. I do make every effort to try to protect my garden. But for some reason, it has been very hard to keep others away from my garden and try to grow my garden at the same time.

Open Eyes

[Sannah]

Excellent questions. I think that it goes both ways. If you are being mistreated you need to remove yourself from the situation. Yes, the person doing the mistreatment is wrong and if you are hanging around for the mistreatment you need plan B - remove yourself.

I totally understand how someone can be in the situation and not realize that they deserve better. You did not create this situation at all. You fell into it unknowingly really. But the only way to get it to stop is to leave the situation.

As for respect, I feel that everyone deserves respect from the start, you don't earn it, but that when someone shows that they don't deserve respect because of their terrible behavior, I remove that respect and I remove my presence or attention from that person. I don't start to disrespect them but I don't respect them either. There is a gray zone in between the two. This would apply to your abuser, however not to you. I wouldn't respect your abuser but I would always respect you.

[shezbut]

((((LoveBirdsFlying))))

I understand what you're saying. I have thought and felt the same way, and is probably where a lot of my self-hate stems from. I know I've wrestled with this term for a loooong time!

I think that this term is meant more for "normal" adults. Normal being those without a history of abuse. From that perspective, I can imagine that the term would apply.

[siriushousewife]

As an adult with a history of abuse, I think setting boundaries in regards to what goes on in your own home is very important. It is quite possible that the other person is indeed a jerk. It's not your fault they are a jerk. It's just time to take some action!
Think of setting boundaries in your home like an electric fence. Don't have a fence? Your herd will wander wherever it pleases and crap all over everything. But put up that fence, and they'll stay in their place after a few shocks!!! You could perhaps set ground-rules that make disrespecting you NOT ok.
As for temporary fixes, I'd consider putting a password on your computer. And installing top of the line antivirus, in case the password isn't enough!

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

I am getting so sick of hearing people say that. It implies that if someone is a jerk to me, it's always my fault because I must have somehow set myself up for it. The explanation can never be that *they* are a jerk, can it? The explanation always has to be that I allow myself to be mistreated, that it is my fault, my failure. Again. As usual.

It's akin to "Respect is something you earn, not something you demand." Well, if I haven't earned it by now, I guess I don't deserve it, do I? It's OK for people to interrupt and overtalk me. It's OK to download and install things on my computer without asking me first. It's OK to tell me what to do in my own home. It's OK to borrow my things without my permission, and then lose or damage them. When I make a request, it's OK to ignore me and pretend I didn't say anything, or to make false promises and then just keep on doing like you're doing. It's OK to sidestep my questions instead of answering them. It's OK to keep doing all of these things until I escalate and lose my temper, and then call me crazy, psycho, out of control, and all those other names because I lost my temper. And if I ask for an apology because I was mistreated, by all means, it's perfectly OK to scream that apology directly into my ear. Because I deserve it. After all, I taught people to treat me that way.

Okay, even if we are weak in some ways, or unable to defend ourselves, either beause of lack of skills or whatever, IT IS STILL NEVER OUR FAULT when people treat us badly.

EVER!

Billi

[skeksi]

I kind of see the flip side of the phrase, which can be very empowering: "I have the ability to teach people to treat me better, or to remove them from my life."

I can claim power now without taking blame for what's happened to me in the past.

[siriushousewife]

^ I agree, that was pretty much what I was trying to get across. That is how I have always interpreted that saying. Self empowerment

[Open Eyes]

It really depends on what another person is capable of learning or has learned.

We can be a nice person and another person just takes advantage, that is the only thing that other person knows. And surprisingly there are many people out there that can see a nice person from a mile away and will take every opportunity to take advantage of that person.

And just because someone plants their feet firm and stands their ground and as is said here walks away, doesn't mean they will not be followed or pursued anyway.

Sometimes certain responses will work but sometimes those responses can be an invitation for another person to think it is more about them making sure they conquer in some mean way.

It is not aways easy for a kind nice person to stand their ground. It can be quite challenging. There is no one golden rule, it can simply be a genuine challenge.
Many people are only interested in their own personal gain and they just don't care if someone is nice or not. And it has nothing to do with how much someone loves themselves and everything to do with others just being selfish and greedy and thoughtless people. And in that case it is important to understand that the case of treating others like you want to be treated is just not respected. And one has to face that fact that it is not just springing up daiseys in life.

The most important thing to keep always is self respect no matter how much others try to challenge that with their game playing crap.

Open Eyes

[sandworm]

Dear "lovebridsflying" .
I do hear where you are coming from and almost always agree with your opinion. Today however I am in a different 'space'. I had a friends birthday come up. She did the same thing she always does. This time it went this way.
She has phone text, as do I. She and I met and she was frankly making it hard to meet. at first telling me to meet her at W.F. grocier, then waiting outside in her car
across the street, then we agreed she would run and errand and meet me at the park. I waited and waited.
I finally left, heading home, just as I neared the freeway entrance she called setting up another meeting. She told me College street, and hung up/ or lost the call. I had to call her back to ask..."and what is the cross street?"
"Oh, Rich street is the cross street."
At no place in this universe do those streets cross. I did finally find her. She changed her mind six time about whether to go to the beach or go to her phone shopping, or move the car and we go to the beach.
We both fought/agreed to part ways. and I went to the shore to shop. Just as
I left she texts me "you still at X beach?? lets connect."
Being her birthday I would have in the last 11 years met her, but I kept driving this
time and made my way home even though she was probably close enough to hit with a marshmellow.
Point, The more we tolerate jerky behavior and reward it, the more people will give us the behavior to see how far they can push us.
It is not that we earn respect as much as we insist on it, get or or move on.

May you learn to respect yourself as much as you respect others.
May I learn to respect myself a darn heck of a lot more than I am getting it.

FedUp,