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#1
Nov 02, 2011, 09:49 PM
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For some reason I can sit & watch shows like Law & Order SVU thats always focusing on rape & everything that can possibly trigger me. The only thing is I feel nothing. Yes it brings back memories & flashbacks, but all I can sit & think about is how I couldn't handle going through everything it takes to put my attacker behind bars.
I was raped at the age of 19 by my cousin's boyfriend...I'm 22 yrs now & still haven't dealt with it. At the time it happened I was forced to go to the ER by my Godmother in which I was forced to tell my family. Let's just say that didn't turn out well at all. Not only that the police didn't seem like I was being truthful because I guess my reaction to it wasn't how they think a person who just got raped would react. They said I waited too long to say something which was only about 5 hrs after the actual rape happened & they also said there was no evidence...only his word against mine. So I didn't go through with trying to put him away. I was going back to college in a couple of months & things were just extremely too stressful to deal with. So I definitely felt powerless in that situation. Even as I'm typing this I still feel completely numb. The effects of it was my grandma dying almost a month later because she was sick & the stress of my attack only made her even more sick. So of course I blame myself for her death & I will live with that for the rest of my life. Now I have absolutely no contact with my family & obviously they don't care enough to reach out to me. What's even more disturbing is that my cousin is still with him. You would think family looks out for family, but apparently not. Hopefully one day I can truly heal from this along with other issues. I still have nightmares. I recently refused to continue to talk to a guy because his touch & the way he looked reminded me of that day. I don't know when or how I will be able to deal with this, but til then I will stay completely numb. I'm afraid to allow myself to feel because of how I may react. |
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#2
Nov 03, 2011, 09:33 AM
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Quote:
I hope you find peace 
__________________
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#3
Nov 03, 2011, 10:16 AM
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so fragile, i'm so very sorry u had this experience. getting professional assistance will help you. as for yr grandmother please don't blame yourself for her death. You were the victim of a serious violation. i'm sure yr grandmother knew that and loved you.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand |
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#4
Nov 03, 2011, 12:40 PM
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I'm sad for you that you continue to suffer so much from this. I wonder why you watch TV shows that you know are triggers? I think most of us go out of our way to avoid triggers--at least I do.
I would guess that you go numb when you watch them because that's how you cope, since you haven't dealt with the rape by a family member or forced aftermath in a healthy therapeutic way. You're just looking at it as an outsider would, as if it didn't happen to you. Consciously, at least. You respond to it by feeling numb. Maybe rejecting a lot of life--like that young man. But it did, so you have nightmares and depression. It's just your sub-conscience saying Hey! It's real! Deal with it! Feeling so guilty about your dear grandmother's death is ironic, since it's really not anything you're responsible for. But you may not be able to recognize that until you're able to take on all the other stuff you're not responsible for that's at the root of your depression. I'm afraid for you too, SoFragile, because your distancing yourself may keep you from ever being able to reach out & get help. That would be a tragedy. I sense such a bright, curious, kind young woman inside--I would like to know her & be her friend someday.
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roads & Charlie |
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#5
Nov 03, 2011, 01:54 PM
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__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#6
Nov 03, 2011, 02:51 PM
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Thank You guys! @roadrunner it's not that I'm trying to trigger myself on purpose...it's more like I don't get triggered by that show because I'm so numb.
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#7
Nov 04, 2011, 09:43 PM
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Quote:
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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