[bluemountains]

I have never discussed the childhood abuse I suffered with anyone except for one attempted rape situation that I shared with my husband before we got married. I guess I figured he needed to have some idea of what he was getting himself into.
Now I have just started therapy and I did tell the therapist that I had suffered abuse as a child. She says that this is an area that we should deal with. Since that meeting last week I have been a total wreck and I am very apprehensive about continuing the therapy next week. Are the benefits of disclosure really going to be worth it to me?
The only other therapy I ever had was thirty years ago while in college in order to deal with panic attacks. I could only handle two meetings before giving it up. Now at fifty I am wondering how much I can really handle dealing with this now.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by bluemountains

I have never discussed the childhood abuse I suffered with anyone except for one attempted rape situation that I shared with my husband before we got married. I guess I figured he needed to have some idea of what he was getting himself into. Now I have just started therapy and I did tell the therapist that I had suffered abuse as a child. She says that this is an area that we should deal with. Since that meeting last week I have been a total wreck and I am very apprehensive about continuing the therapy next week. Are the benefits of disclosure really going to be worth it to me? The only other therapy I ever had was thirty years ago while in college in order to deal with panic attacks. I could only handle two meetings before giving it up. Now at fifty I am wondering how much I can really handle dealing with this now.

Dear bluemountains,

I'm very sorry to hear of your suffering, and you must have suffered very much indeed, both consciously and unconsciously, over your entire lifetime. I'm a senior and only went into serious, successful therapy a year and a half ago, after having, like you, made some unsuccessful stabs at it many years ago.

For what they're worth, and I do hope you'll consider them, here are a couple of thoughts you may find helpful.

First, from my point of view (patient, not therapist), disclosure is the ONLY way to relieve you of what you may not even realize is suffering on your part. But it does NOT have to be all at once. And you WILL BE PROTECTED during the process. And there will come a time in the relatively near future when, after having begun discussing what happened with T, you realize that the process makes you feel better and then get entirely into the swing of things.

Second, it does NOT matter how old you are. Not a bit. When I was younger the pain of what I was repressing was so intense it had locked me up tight as a drum. I simply couldn't participate in therapy, couldn't talk except to shoot the breeze. And then a few years ago things got SO tough I knew I had to get into therapy and make it a success. It has already reduced my painful feelings very substantially. I'm in the middle of it now so I don't know whether it will be a success, but I'll tell you, it's success or bust!

Third, being a relatively new PC member you may not have yet realized how many THOUSANDS (yes, thousands) of other PC members have been subjected to the kind of abuse to which you were subject when you were a little girl. And have gone through the same terrible pangs you're suffering right now about going into therapy and opening up in therapy. And they are ALL here to help and support you through the process. 24/7. This is a worldwide operation and there are ALWAYS people on line to exchange messages with.

Finally, let me assure you how much better you will feel to get those horrible memories off your chest. Keeping them inside is just terribly painful. It may seem as if letting them out is even more painful, but you'll soon get over that and into a new, fresh, clean, pain-free life in which you'll be able to do and see and hear things you never could before. Take very good care!

[yellowted]

disclosure definitely helped me even though my family dibelieved me and still do 20 years on!
it helped me come to terms with the fact i was not to blame and that the saying 'your family are given to you but you do not have to accept them' is oh so true.
it took years to open up about my abuse, but the relief and freedom i felt when i did was out of this world. ok i make it sound pretty easy , it is not! many sleepless nights wondering if i should or if i would be disbelieved as my family did, many tear filled sessions with a therapist, many exhausted afternoons doing nothing but crying after leaving a session and many days spent worrying about the next session, but now that it is over i feel like a new woman, happier, stronger, far more confident than before, and most of all i feel in control of my life again.
try to stick with it, it will be worth it in the end

[eclogite]

bluemountains, thank you so much for posting this. I'm starting to deal with some of my stuff like this (been with T for 4 months now) and I'm so lost and scared about how to do this, and what the payoff looks like. Thank you for asking the question I couldn't formulate.

[kaliope]

I know it is painful and the seeming chaos and pain it surfaces makes us question whether it really is worth it. My own trip down memory lane was kind of thrust upon me several years ago starting with a psych 101 class as I was working toward my social work degree. Memories started to surface, I became more and more triggered until I had a full blown nervous breakdown. I had no choice but to face the past.

So worth it! The hypervigilance is gone. Dissociation is a thing of the past. The world being an evil place and people being untrustworthy is no longer my philosphy.

I know it is hard and scary and painful but once it is done, its done. You are no longer trapped or ruled by your past. There is a reason you decided to go to therapy. Stick with it. Dont let fear rule your life. Dont let the past win. Dont let the abuser continue to control. Be free.

[bluemountains]

Thanks for the input. I am feeling better about the therapy. I know I won't find a quick fix, which, of course, is what I want. I wasn't prepared for how strong my emotional reaction would be with just the mention of opening up the past. I have kept my life in a manageable order for so many years that I am dreading the journey I am getting ready to go on. I am finally too tired of just trying to maintain instead of maybe enjoying life. My children's needs are too great to ignore, and I have to give them more of the mother I should be.