I told him "I don't know how" trigger

TRIGGER WARNING, talk of s*x

I can't date.

I wish life were more simple and I could "Just say no".


I dated a man last Saturday that I had been in contact with as a friend during the divorce.

I will not go into details.

But the main thing is this: We had a nightcap and slept together last Saturday night. We did not have any g*n*tal intimacy. But we did hold each other all night and fell asleep that way.

The next day, we held each other again and something did happen. Again, it was not physical; it was more psychic. But it was also very very stimulating s*x*ally, even though we did not do any actual g*n*tal touching. It was a nice feeling and we were both joyful that we could do this.

However, I had gotten so excited that I had to release it by myself. He had excused himself to use the bathroom and while he was in there, I tried to, you, know, take care of it?

When he came back into the room, I told him that since I could not handle doing it with him I had just had to "take care of it myself" and he freaked out and said, "Billi, why couldn't we just hold each other and you just quiet down?"

And I said, "Andy, I told you this already. I don't do partners. I am an in***t survivor and have to take care of it myself. That's what I just did."

He was insulted that I could not just pack it in or do it with him.

That ended it quickly.

He won't be back.

I am hurt because of 2 things: 1) I thought we had discussed my m**tb*t**n and I thought he was cool with me not having s with partners and just taking care of it. 2) And I am also extremely upset that my abuse had damaged me still so much that I could not set boundaries with Andy or that I could not even enjoy s*x if we had had it.

I had ended it telling him, "I do have feelings for you, Andy, but more like a schoolgirl crush."

He called me yesterday and today saying he wanted to see me again, but I don't want to now.

I think we might still be friends later, but omg someting got hurt here.

I wish I weren't an in***t survivor!

I wish I could enjoy s*x and dating.

Will I before I die?

I will do the work to recover.

I am so afraid i won't have enough time.

I am 44.

Billi

((((Billi))) Soft Genital Hugs and Warm Wishes your way. I am so sad to read your story, and to know others out there struggle with things have happened in the past, it hurts I know.

To be honest i had a little blurb written and then the computer I am using at the moment froze and shut down (how nice) but maybe it was just a sign of what I wrote was too much.. IDK

But I would like to let you know , your not alone. I am not sure what advice I can give you.
For sex topic for me, I still struggle some times on it, It is a working process.

I am 25 right now, so I doubt I can give you much advice. I had a bad childhood with many things and abuse of the sort was one of them. Then to put on top of it a mother who always made sex out to be bad- it was shameful in away to do, which did not help anything for development. As a child and preteen "I finished my self off" so to speak, then maybe around 11 I thought that was bad and just so messed up on thought with it all.
Around age 16 I told myself, it is ok to have sex just when the time is right. Did not "finish myself off" till about 18 or was it 19? I know 20 years old I actually tried it again and it felt odd too and still confused about a lot..... Actual sex with another that did not come till I was 22 (or close to 23 actually) and I struggle some days with it still.... A group of struggles with not wanting it, then feeling I have to (thus not enjoying it or feeling used and just awful)...
But there are some days I do find it enjoyable, I think of this- Why am I not allowed to enjoy sex? I can't think of a reasonable answer that is besides just being mean to myself.... so I find what helps me more than anything, is to think of sex as love making that it is a connection with someone very special, some one that was willing to wait for me for 1/2 year to be connected, to be one in some ways. (i don't mean to sound cheesy but this is what has helped me in thinking of it that way). I some times see it as a gift for us both.

Now there has been times where these last few years "I have finished myself off" and I feel so bad- I do tell my boyfriend, and he does not mind (thankful understanding) he does feel bad though when I do for he wishes that he could do it for me.
I am a double edge sward though- I don't want him to do that- I don't want him to finish himself off, I have to do it- i fear he will leave or stop loving me if he does it but that is a different sort of issue.

I just want you to know you are not alone, I am so sad to read such a thing cuz I actually hate to say "your not alone", I wish no one in this predicament. No one to feel this way

I know one time I wrote "a letter" to my abuser- I never gave it to any one, but it was therapeutic to write... It made me so mad, rage actually where I was about to toss the keyboard, it made me so mad due to I realize that all that crap effects me, all that crap still effects me - it has seeped into my life now in the present. And I hate that, It makes me feel weak inside for I have allowed it to effect me so- But with all this rage with it- It helped me realize that my thoughts on things, I find where some of them stem from thus for me at least, I have where it starts, and hopefully to find an end point.

Again I am not sure if any of this helps. It is imbarancing in ways to write down to another, but I want you to know you are not alone.. Please don't give up on having enjoyment with something can be connecting.

I hope one day I can just take it as connecting and that is that and not revert back to the bad things that I associate it with. I hope you some peace with it as well. I hope all in this boat of similarity issue, are able.

I am so sorry that there was a misunderstanding and that things are miss communicating it sounds like, with you and your friend, understanding is something really important...

I hope someone can give you more advice, I really do. I don't feel that mine is really helpful besides explaining your not alone. which sucks in away but I want to let you know that, and to keep at your pace on trying.

Be well and I hope you the best

I also want to add- that not having sex and just touching in ways of touching but not sexual, can be so enjoyable as well and passing connection too- My boyfriend and I do that on plenty of occasions where one is tired, or I am in that odd mood of myself with things.. It shows that we care for each other.....

I also want to apologize for using sex,sexual at times then it and stuff as I am sure i did. I am sorry.

thank you so much beauflow.

I was not sure how anyone on here was going to react to this post, with it being so triggery, even to myself.

I just want to clarify one thing. Did you mean "gentle hugs", not "genital hugs"? Not to embarrass you, okay? I will forgive a typo. lol Just making sure; I am very triggered right now by my incident with Andy.

He called again last night, after I logged off here. I went ahead and let him come over. We talked. We again were okay, but I am still so leery of any more misunderstandings or hangups of their own toward in***t survivor issues.

Billi

And I made it more clear than ever: "Andy, NO S**UAL stuff!"

OMG- I am so sorry about my typo- Geez, I am so sorry. No I mean Gentle Hugs like soft caring ones.. I am so sorry for. That is embracing geez. sigh.. I am so sorry about that- Guess a great thing to re-read and re-read what you are typing!!!!

I will try to do that more so in the future.

I am glad you and your friend talked though. even it was to establish boundaries

Again I apologize for that typo, guess it goes to show where my mind goes at times, and i guess what was being talked about- I am so sorry about that.

Billi, I'm glad that you 2 worked through this. Working through things is what happens in relationships. You 2 did good by working through this.

thanks everyone.

And beauflow, it's okay, it's okay. We all make mistakes. I think I knew that you did not mean to say that, but I wanted just to be sure. (survivors have trust issues )

thanks for clarifying.

Human error.

I always proofread my posts; I remember when I didn't use to and some ppl got on me about it and I was so embarrassed.

I am sorry if you were embarrassed; many of us have trouble dealing with mistakes; growing up we felt ashamed of them.

I relate to that!

update:

Andy and I are going together now. Okay, so we did have s*x last Thursday. Somehow it felt different. I am not sure, but it happened after he read an article that I showed him about abuse and about mental illness and he still loved me.

I guess I feel better toward him because he doesn't seem to see me as this horrible, rotten, dirty w***e that I feared he'd see if he knew me.

So I let him in.

Still am challenged with trust issues.

It doesn't go away overnight, but it does get better slowly.

Billi

Billi I so agree that trust issues don't go away over night, but they sure do seem to dissipate after a while with some people in life

I am glad to hear that he read about the issues and did not look at you differently like you had thought- That helps even more with letting someone know you- sounds like Andy is a good person, which everyone needs

I wish you the best on this, and hopefully this journey with you and Andy will be a great one for you-

thank you beauflow.

and sannah thank you too; I love your signature!

Billi