feel unworthy of it... (R, SA trigger)

Guess to be blunt, I was raped 2 years ago by an acquaintance. At the time I had an online friend but lived out of state. He helped me by supporting me through what happened, and eventually it got more serious, as I felt like he was the only person I could ever trust sexually. I felt like he gave me back my sexuality, telling me it was a good thing and that I deserved to feel good physically. It was going well, and we did things sexually over the internet and phone about once a week. He told me that if it ever worked out between us and that we met in person, that the sex would be more frequent, to which I looked forward. I eventually did move in with him, moving from Ohio to Kansas (a big risk!) but it worked out, and I've been living with him for a year and a half now. But after the first few weeks, the sex went way downhill. It went from a few times a week, to once a week, to a couple times a month... now, I think it's been a month and a half since anything has happened. Since we moved into our own apartment over the summer, we have maybe been intimate... 3 times? At the most. He says it's because of stress, which I know is a huge contribution, with finances being stressful, and he really doesn't like his job. I try to support him as much as possible, while getting through my own stressors which he has helped me with also. But the sex is just not there. And now I feel like I am back to feeling unworthy of the pleasure. Back to how I used to feel after being raped. Since all of this, whenever I do things solo, I end up crying afterwards and having flashbacks, so I rarely do that anymore for fear of that happening afterwards. I've been eating way more. I don't care about as much as I used to. I feel like our stressors are higher than his desire to be intimate with me. I try to initiate sometimes, but never pressure him. But every time he says no, and it makes me feel even worse. We haven't even cuddled as much as before. Every now and then I wonder if he is getting his pleasure "elsewhere" but I really don't believe he would ever cheat on me. If he doesn't want to have sex with the woman he loves and lives with, why would he resort to anyone else. I just feel so inadequate, unworthy, ashamed for wanting sex, and ugly. I'm shaking just writing all this out. I cried very hard the other night, actually falling to the floor. I've never done that before. I know sex isn't everything, but it's a part at least. And the whole intimately rejected thing has been really triggering thoughts about the rape and emotions I have about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just felt like I needed to get all this out. I'm not sure if I should have put this in the relationships section or this one, since it deals with both. But I feel awful, and don't know what to do about my situation...

Kris, why do you think that he was having sex over the phone and internet? My guess - He is afraid of intimacy...............

You are there now and intimacy is staring him in the face and he can't handle it.

(((krisakira))) wow...I am sorry you have gone through so much and are dealing with this now...unfortunately i don't know how to help at all...but am here to listen and offer support and another shoulder to lean/cry on...

notablackbarbie, thanks ((((((hugs back))))))))) means a lot to me, thanks for the support

sannah, this post is more about my feelings about the rape that are coming up because of the poor sex life, which is stress related... and dealing with things that are triggering my past to come up, not so much about whats wrong with him

Okay, but most of your post is about him and the relationship and very, very little about what you are saying you want feedback on.

I guess I'm a "go to the source to fix things type of person".

Sorry..............

its ok. just wanted to vent about how i feel, and advice on how to deal with my flashbacks of the rape

((((((((((((((((((((kris)))))))))))))))))))) massive hugs hun!!!!