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#1
Dec 11, 2011, 09:50 PM
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I don't know how to word this without sounding completley insane, but thats ok. I've been with my girlfriend for 2 years and everytime something starts to bother me having to do with the past abuse, I start nitpicking at her. I have yelled at her about her relationships with her family when I have no right to because of my family relationships. I shouldn't be like that with her and I hate that. It makes me so mad at me. And when I get like that the past has normally attacked me with the force of a speeding train, but that doesn't stop me from attacking her. I defend my relationship with my abusive family with such force that I don't care what I make her feel or anything. I wish I could stop, but everytime i realize it she's left and I am trying my hardest not to be pulled into the train of flashbacks that follow. She has been amazing so tender and loving, but then when I attack her I lose everything she isn't who she is to me she's someone else not herself to me. I attack her as if she is me and I start attacking saying things that I should be saying to myself. eugh.... I just needed to vent it has been a long horrible day and I wish to take it back I just don't know what to do. Don't think less of me. I just want to sit and cry in a deep dark hole like i feel like i have been. I don't know how to explain this to her without sounding so self centered and stupid. Therapy is sounding like a fantastic idea but then again you have to have money to go to therapy and right now I don't have that money nor the luxury of time to go to therapy and work on the crap that is wrong with me. EUGH....... life what a wonderful thing right?
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PTSD possible bipolar Meds: propranalol 20mg 2x's(blood pressure), lamictal 300mg, seroquel 100mg, effexor 75mg, sprycel 100mg (CML, chronic myeloid leukemia), iron supplement, multivitamin  |
 purple_fins
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#2
Dec 12, 2011, 11:26 AM
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Gee, you seem to have amazing insight -- knowing that you're acting the way you are and why. That's already a HUGE step towards healing(IMO). I'm just now starting to have a bit of insight-- with many years of therapy!
I think talking with your girlfriend might be helpful-- if she could understand why you "attack" her, she may be able to help you some and at least not take it as an attack on her personally. She must be a wonderful friend to stay around after being attacked. I don't know a single soul in my life that would care for me that much (well, except the T. I see  ) I think you are so fortunate to have such a person. I'm sorry you are hurting  I hope you can gain some relief some way.fins
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“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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#3
Dec 12, 2011, 12:20 PM
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I hope you tell your gf all of this and next time you get started doing this again, STOP and talk about what you are doing. Talk to your gf about getting therapy too and keep us posted on how you are doing?
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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