My mum doesn't seem to understand that I don't want my dad anywhere near my house, I have told her over and over that I don't want him anywhere near my kids, She called me on christmas eve to say that she had presents for the kids and was it ok for her to come with them them? I said yeah if she comes on her own, she said " She probably will" Anyway she came today on her own, Then she says, Why didn't I want my dad here? I am sure she was saying this to wind me up. I said well he is a peado isn't he???????? she said well that's not nice, Huh??????? Well what the F*** is he then? She keeps saying well he is your dad. Well duh, Dads don't abuse there grandkids and their own children do they?

Damn it, Honestly why do I even bother?

[missbelle]

Stick to your guns girl!!! You are so correct!! No dads don't abuse!!!

Sorry mum still doesn't get it!!!!!

[Open Eyes]

Oh, Buttercup, your mother is still in denial. That can be so disturbing, obviously your mother must be thinking if she refuses to believe the truth, it might change the truth.

missbelle is right, your going to have to stand your ground and be the responsible one.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[Sannah]

This is how the abuse was allowed to continue because she looked the other way (severe denial probably because of her own sexual abuse which she has had to deny). The only way that it is going to change is if she gets intense therapy.

Thanks

It annoys me as she actually thinks my dad has done NOTHING wrong, I can't stand the sight of him.

[WePow]

Big hugs to you. I do understand. My dad served jail time for the once when he got caught and my mom makes excuses for him! I am like "seriously?"
It hurts to be a child of a preditor.

[Open Eyes]

Honestly, part of the problem is how often people in political and other high postions can be somehow allowed to behave poorly. We talk about the right to someones privacy as long as they are doing their job etc. But what does that really teach?

Sigh..... we are only just beginning to shun those that do bad things. But so many things went on that were just somehow acceptable, that has to continue to change.
Sure, when people are running for political office all the possible dirty laundry is aired.
But that seems to disappear once someone obtains power.

All my life I could not understand the look away brain washing that many people expressed. I will never forget the bus driver that saw my brother being bullied so badly on the bus, yet he chose to look away. As well as all the children that stared off and never said enough or recognized the cruelty of it. Only now are we finally speaking out about this behavior? Why so long?

Honestly, when I got the invitation to my neighborhood party and thought about the people who attended, they did see things that were not fair, negligence, even talked to me about how they were puzzled about it. But they CHOSE to go anyway and pretend it never happened? Honestly am I supposed to go and be friendly to people whos children picked on my child on the school bus for no reason?

People are so willing to overlook so many things, allow people to use them, why?
It is not about someone's dog breaking free accidently, it is about allowing this to continue on and on until someone gets hurt or says something? Yes, this may seem trivial but it goes a lot deeper than this, people can be very disrespectful and somehow it is accepted and overlooked. Why is beyond me, but it happens all the time.

People need to be held accountable and it should not make a difference who they are, it should be the same for everyone.

Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

That must be so hard! I am so sorry! You are really strong, keep it up. You're doing what's best for your children, something it seems perhaps mom wasn't as good at? None the less, you have every right to say no you do not want him there. You do not even need an excuse you are a grown person. If she asks why he couldn't go just simply say "Because I do not want him in my home" and leave it at that, you don't need to offer excuses any more, you're an adult! I'm so sorry you have to deak with all of this!

[TerryL]

I think your mum's siding with your dad is just as bad as what he did, if not worse. Mums are supposed to protect their children. I would be so angry at her.

[TerryL]

I just want to temper my comment above by saying I agree with what Sannah said above. Your mum has issues of her own. I know people of her generation are not used to going for therapy but it would be wonderful if she would consider it. and your dad....

[Sannah]

Buttercup, I think that it is something that you are just going to have to accept in order to save yourself some distress. This is the way your mum is. She isn't going to be the mum that you need or deserve.

[TerryL]

I wonder if you knew more about your parents' upbringing, might that help your stresses?

[hanners]

I'm going through the same thing, though in my case, it's my dad defending my mom, and it's not SA, but physical and emotional abuse. I'm sticking to my guns, it's the only thing that works to at least keep her at bay. Unfortunately, that meant having to tell my mom to "go away" on Christmas, which made me feel like crap.

I know it was the only thing I could do to protect myself, though, and I would do it again if I had to.

Thank you all.

She will NOT accept any of it at all, It was her birthday yesterday so me and my sister decided to take her out for a meal on her own and she wanted my dad there, My sister said to her "we just want you to come on your own" she said "your dad has done nothing wrong" Honestly it is like talking to a brick wall, Anyway my dad come for the meal, I had to be brave for just a few hours.

hanners I am sorry that you're going through this too, It is just so awful when your parents won't accept it, My mum doesn't believe me over my brother either, I just couldn't ever imagine never believing my kids, Never in a million years.

[Luce]

Ugh, Buttercup, I am sorry you have to deal with this. My mother was the same way, and in the end I just told her what my boundaries were and told her if she violated them I would stop all contact with her for a set period of time. Some of those boundaries were I did not want to see my father under any circumstances and I did not want that issue to be discussed at all (it was absolutely not negotiable). She did violate those boundaries, so I stopped all contact with her for three months. When I resumed contact again she was much better behaved. :P

Denial can be SUCH a hard thing for 'non-offending' parents to break through (I say that in inverted commas because a mother that is aware of abuse and not only allows it to continue but puts forth her children for abuse so she herself can escape it IS offending in my book). One day my mother pitifully cried to me "But it can't be true, because if it is how will I be able to sleep with him again?" My mother is rather pathetic, and I feel pity for her more than anything.

What I came to understand was that my mother doesn't accept it because she CAN'T. For whatever reason in her own personal make up she is incapable of making that leap from protecting her own interests to protecting those of her children and grandchildren. She loves us deeply - I know she does - but her need to protect her own world runs deeper. My own personal belief is that facing the truth would mean facing her own part in the abuse of myself and my siblings (knowing and allowing it to continue). I simply don't think she is emotionally strong enough to face that.

I don't know why your own mother can't face the truth, but I would wager that she has her own very good reasons for denial continuing to have a bigger pay off for her. Whatever her reasons are, if SHE isn't going to protect you you certainly have every right to take steps to protect yourself. You don't have to convince her of anything or change her mind about anything, but you CAN set limits for what you will put up with and what you won't stand for. You are in the 'right' here, and you actually have a lot of power - much more than you realise!

[Sannah]

Your mom sounds totally dependent on your dad. She can't go out to lunch without him > dependency............