My abusive husband on tape

This is what my home life is like:

Wow that was very hard to listen to and even harder for you and your kids. I assume he also hits you - is that right? I know you don't want to consider getting out, but I really feel you must leave with your kids for your safety. He can always get help once you leave, but he needs to admit he has a problem and often this doesn't happen. The fact he's a good father is irrelevant at this point. Your mental and physical health is at stake. Please go to a womens shelter or a family member - don't consider going back until is fully assures you and your family he's in a treatment program.

Thanks for your reply. It's mostly just the screaming. Just a few episodes of hitting over the years. The thing that scares me is that my three kids have lost respect for me, seeing me treated like this for so long. They mostly side with him. Also, outside of our home, he has everyone convinced that he's a wonderful guy. I've only told a couple people, and they don't really believe me. That's why I decided to tape, thinking I might eventually need it in court. Unfortunately I have too many friends who went to court, only to have everything backfire on them.

Oh wow. That is hard to listen to. Listening to that over and over would completely erode anybody's self esteem. Shred it to pieces, in fact.
That is no way to treat another human being. NO human being should *ever* be treated like that. Every thing he says seems intended to belittle you, undermine you, and make you feel absolutely worthless. The saddest thing is it isn't even *about* you - it's about his anger, his frustration, his feelings of inadequacy, and his inability to handle those emotions appropriately.
My best friend's husband spoke to her like this for the longest time. He was a nice guy in many ways, but he was so freaking *horrible* to her. She left him and has been so incredibly happy in the years since then. It made such a difference to her self esteem to be able to be in her own home and not face an endless tirade of verbal abuse day in and day out. She is so happy now (less well off financially, but HAPPY!)

You say you don't want to break up the family unless it is necessary. There is so much about your family I don't know, but I do know that in your family you are being emotionally abused and torn to shreds, and emotional abuse is not *ever* okay, not even once. I don't say 'abuse' lightly here either. His attacks are not random slips of the tongue, but long and purposeful tirades that are intended to cut you down and pin you there, over and over again. It's not okay for this to be done to you, and it's not okay for your children to grow up believing that is how a husband is supposed to treat his wife. That is not okay for your daughters, and it certainly isn't okay for your sons.

Oh, and honey... this man doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't care about your feelings, except to make sure they are hurt. And that is not going to change.

So, is it 'necessary' for you to break up the family? That depends on how you define necessary. You could probably survive there well enough until your children have grown up and left home if you think keeping the family together is the best thing. I am thinking, though, that it would be necessary to leave if you wanted to protect your own sanity and self esteem or be able to find happiness or peace in your life. It might be necessary to leave if you wanted to teach your children that abuse isn't okay, and treating people with respect and dignity are values that you hold dear and also expect of them.

There are are times when people really should fight to keep their families together for the sake of all involved, but from this outsiders point of view, I don't think this is one of them. Maybe your family may have a greater chance for health and happiness if apart.

My dad was worse than that.

I'm sorry you feel your father was worse than that illegal toilet but that's not a fair statement to make and not very supportive as well for someone who really needs help and support right now. Anyone could make a statement such as that, but no one really knows what was "worse" because they do not know what that person goes through. Any form of abuse is not right and should not be tolerated. My father was much worse than my moms boyfriend and moms boyfriend was much worse than my brother and my youngest brother was much worse than my oldest brother but that doesn't take away from the pain that any one of them caused me.

BKJ; I have been in your shoes. I was married to a very angry man for 4 years. I had one child with him. The day he called me every name in the book, threw my daughters drink at me in the kitchen then threw the remote at me in the bedroom with my daughter there, I decided to leave. I took about a week, never told him and kept the straightest face I could. While he was at work or sleeping I would take all of the most important things of mine and bag them and toss the bags in the back of the storage closet (a place he never went). One morning I woke up early, got my daughter in the car (still in my pj's) went to the bank and took out enough to get me by for a month. I went to a friends and from there I called his sergeant (he's in the Army) to come take him from the house. Once he was gone (in your case you could call the police and say you need someone to keep the peace while you gather your things)I got everything together in an hour and left. Drove across country.

It took a lot to leave, it was even harder in the months to come. But my little girl, all it took was someone asking me "What happens if things get out of hand and go too far one day, then it will be too late to save her" accidents happen out of rage, could you really put yourself or your children at that kind of risk?

You know how horrible it is to be depressed, to be emotionally unstable, is that what you want for your children? If they stay in this relationship it's pretty likely that any boys you may have will grow to be like him and any girls you have will end up taking abuse like this from a man like him, do you want that for them?? For yourself?

It's hard to make the decision. What worked for me was not thinking about it. I made up my mind, I didn't think about it, I just knew what I should do and made up my mind to do it. Everything was a task, no big event just a task. Just had to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving, don't think about what is happening just keep looking ahead.

It's OK to still love him and hopefully perhaps he will go get help if you leave him and you can have the relationship you always wanted, but this really is unhealthy and unfair to yourself or your children. Please take care of yourself and be safe!

WOW!!! If I hadn't heard this & believe it to be true, would have thought it was an R rated movie, with more trauma added. If I listened close or not enough, I don't remember you saying a single word. And still this abuse?

Leave this man, if for no other reason than the children.
He will not change, you & children deserve a better life. None of this is your fault! It's all about control on his part. A sick secret mess you need to get away from.

Go somewhere he won't find you, the police station if you have to & they will take you to a women's shelter. That's exactly what my SIL did & they won't disclose to ANYONE of the location. She did get to call us & got an eval. & some counseling started.

Please leave, I don't know what else to say except it won't be easy but will be the best thing. You guys have suffered enough!

You & kids will be in my thoughts & prayers.

i didn't mean my comment to sound like it did . . . i guess i was realising how serious my dad's 'abuse' was . . . as i tend to excuse it.

have u told her husband you youtube his crap? maybe battered wives should use youtube for this purpose, it will keep some husbands honest.

That tactic doesn't always work though.

A coworker asked if my BF was the cause of the bruises on my face and I said yes. Then she told my assistant manager. The manager told her husband I was being abused. Her husband was friends with my abusive BF and he told BF that I was telling at work that he was abusing me. BF didn't say anything about it when I got home until I had gone to bed and he ran in and jumped on the bed and said if he was going to be called an abuser he was going to be one and he started pummeling me on the head with his fists.

Your children should not EVER listen to your husband speak to you like that, that is TEACHING YOUR CHILDREN "HOW TO VERBALLY ABUSE". i don't care how well he treats them outside the home etc. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT HEAR A PARENT SPEAK TO ANOTHER PARENT THAT WAY.

You need to keep taping the way your husband speaks to you. Bible study? What a joke!!!!!!!

That is not a healthy relationship and that is a DISFUNCIONAL family atmosphere for children. And what you need to do is find a way to have a hidden camera so you can catch him doing this in front of the children. This is totally unacceptable.

Open Eyes

You may find these links helpful.

http://www.healthcentral.com/schizop...ds-and-family/

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-ab...eing-abused-2/

You're not dense honey.

I'm sorry your kids have lost respect for you. Pray and trust that one day they'll see through this.

Personally, my first husband wasn't as bad as this, and I still feel justified in having left him. There's no sin in removing oneself from bitter harm.

Oh, and if you want to carry on taping, or need video evidence, this pen is great. I've used it in the past for work related stuff, and the picture quality is very good, and within ten feet or so the sound is excellent. You can keep it tucked into a pocket, or snug in a handbag with just the top peeking over. It's very easy to use.

http://www.spycatcheronline.co.uk/ca...k4o3n706mullh5

I am sooooooo sorry for you to have to put up with this. I cringed when I listened to your tape, partly because I have been traumatized by similar verbal abuse from my step son and also occasionally my husband. I have been traumatized in the past so much that anyone yelling and belittling another person in my presence is intolerable. No human being deserves to be demeaned and belittled like that. Obviously he must be very insecure and angry and needs to put you down to feel good about himself.
I do not pretend to have the answer for you, but in my case I had to deliver an ultimatum. In essence informing my husband that his rude behavior was unacceptable and the moment he started talking to me in an abusive manner, I would walk away, shut myself in my office or the bedroom and refuse to talk to him until he cooled down and apologized. In the case of my adult stepson, I threatened to call the cops, kick him out on the street and get a restraining order if it continued. I am usually pretty laid back and submissive, but I felt that if I did not stand up for myself, I would not have any self esteem left at all. I have an uneasy truce with him for the time being but time will tell.
I also had a long talk with a staff pastor and counselor at my church which gave me the courage to stand up for myself. In your case where there are small children involved, you need to do whatever you can to protect them. If you can get your husband to joint counseling, maybe you have a chance. Obviously you can see that he has some redemptive qualities at least. Whatever you do, do not let him continue to verbally grind him into the dirt. It is too damaging for your kids, for you and also for your husband. The prospects of separation and the breakup of a marriage are pretty scary, but I suspect that will be inevitable anyway if you do not get help. My prayers are with you
Hugs!

Thank you very much for the support and advice. It is encouraging.

I hope you're okay today BK, I've been thinking about you.

yeah, this.

if he is treating you this way, then he is NOT being a good father. the reason your kids don't have any respect for you is because he is teaching them through his actions that you don't deserve any. not only that, but they are also learning to treat other people the same way he is treating you. it would be best for all of you if you could separate from him and get yourself and your kids into counseling to try and repair the damage he has done.

i wish you the best and much love.