[happy101]

Hi friends,
I had dinner with husbands family.my husband knows abour my emotionall abusive mother n the destruction caused at home etc.my husband is very supportive n a truly lovely man. His family is evil n wicked.i was very nice to them in the first few years but saw and received negative feedback n behavior from them.it took me a while to tell him n he saw it thus believed me.the other sister in law has cut them off from her life n refuses to let her children see them,she also has her husband(son of this evil family) to folow her ways.
I took a year away from seeing the evil family in law.this year i took a giant leap and will see them at celebrations.after seeing them today i'm feeling terrible.i've had a food binge and feel so
Torn up inside.the evil family was on good behavior but i cant seem to forget how it felt n what i went through before.im not sure if this is a spin off from my feeling of neglect n treated unfairly since i was a kid or i have a adverse reaction to being in the company of people who have hurt

me before.pls pls tell me what to do....a part of me wants to leave town n stay away from people who hurt me forever. Although i have no contact with my mother ,the (abuser in my life)i have some contact with my sister,relatives n friends who talk about her. I want her 'dead' in my life.my motto in life is' dont spend time with people who dont care for me'.it seems like i still have to put up with some hypocricy and my body is rejecting it.i feel like im going mad.i can feel so much emotion in me like i dont know who i am anymore.why do i have to put up with evil in laws?im still coming to terms with the destruction my mother has done n im given a family of ebil inlaws.will this ever stop or end for abusers?dont we deserve love n hsppiness.we always seem to have to climb a mountain to just feel normal n be like normsl people.such s huge 'blessing'!

[geez]

A million hugs (((((happy101)))). My in laws are pretty nice and great with my kids. I'm very lucky in that respect. My family however is not (I won't allow my children alone with my parents). My brothers I'm estranged from as well and we 'get along' but I keep my family (brothers, parents, sis in law) at an arms length. They have all been either abusive or toxic towards me at different times. I have my boundaries of getting together once a month with family so my parents can see their grandkids.

I find over time the hate for them has become less and less but my guard will always be there in order to protect myself emotionally. There will always be a level of sadness but it's the situation.

It also took me a while to set up boundaries for myself (something it looks like you have done).

Do you have a T to talk to about this?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by happy101

after seeing them today i'm feeling terrible.i've had a food binge and feel so
Torn up inside.the evil family was on good behavior but i cant seem to forget how it felt n what i went through before.

my motto in life is' dont spend time with people who dont care for me'.it seems like i still have to put up with some hypocricy and my body is rejecting it.i feel like im going mad.i can feel so much emotion in me like i dont know who i am anymore.

why do i have to put up with evil in laws?im still coming to terms with the destruction my mother has done n im given a family of ebil inlaws.

Hi Happy, sounds like you were triggered, triggered from your distant and near past (your mother's treatment and then the inlaws past treatment).

I think that it would help if you could talk about all of your past abuse and get all of those feelings out, and then those feelings can't be triggered as easily.

I'm glad that you have a loving husband.

[needfixing]

in laws i call mine out laws.
they are so toxic, controlling, passive aggressive, hurtful, disrepectful, manipulative and the list goes on and on, so i can TOTALLY relate!
i don't see them, i don't call them, and i don't ask hubby how they are doing.
all the pain and suffering they caused in my marriage i will never forget but i did forgive them.
i don't want toxic people in my life, i want positive people in my life.

[happy101]

Originally Posted by needfixing

in laws i call mine out laws.
they are so toxic, controlling, passive aggressive, hurtful, disrepectful, manipulative and the list goes on and on, so i can TOTALLY relate!
i don't see them, i don't call them, and i don't ask hubby how they are doing.
all the pain and suffering they caused in my marriage i will never forget but i did forgive them.
i don't want toxic people in my life, i want positive people in my life.

I spoke to hubby about this today and he said he totally understands if i dont see them again.so , thank you n nowvi know im not alone.

[happy101]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Happy, sounds like you were triggered, triggered from your distant and near past (your mother's treatment and then the inlaws past treatment).

I think that it would help if you could talk about all of your past abuse and get all of those feelings out, and then those feelings can't be triggered as easily.

I'm glad that you have a loving husband.

Yes, a trigger.how do i get rid of stuff so theres no more triggers.ive talked to my husband about my mother n how his family treated me in the past.there are no therapist here,i live in a 3rd world country.ive done the exercises ive read in books ie writing letters,talking to husband,forgiveness exercise.i get triggers even when i read the book by Dave Pelzer a child called it.i strive to be clean inside out of old gunk n damage.any ideas?tq

[Sannah]

To get rid of triggers you need to talk about the stuff from the past that is getting triggered up. Since you don't have access to a therapist you could write the stuff here. Also, when you get triggered, remind yourself in that moment that it is the past feelings that are coming up. This will help you to separate what is triggering you from what is getting triggered up. This stuff is so subconscious. When you bring the subconscious to consciousness it really helps you to deal with it better.

[Open Eyes]

happy101,
Sannah is correct about facing the triggers from our past and allowing them to come forward where we can address them. It is good to have a therapist when you do this because often what they can do is pick out the experiences, the people who were abusive and help you identify what kind of people you were exposed to, why you struggled and then help you to SEE what it all ment as well and help you GAIN a BETTER perspective of your bad experiences.

What I have learned myself in dealing with my own triggers from my past is that I can now better identify the people who abused me. When we experience abuse we are never ready for it, often abusive people seem to be very tricky and are really good at what they do that is wrong and even controling. Often people who are toxic are not really aware of HOW they are toxic, they actually have PERCEPTION issues that result in treating and controling others around them in very strange manners.

I have finally looked at my past and these triggers that come forward in a very different way. What I have come to know is that these triggers are truely sensors that are like a warning signal reminding us of a time in our lives where we actually were in a situation that was not only upsetting but we were dealing with a very preditiory person.

Now that I look back, I can see how the toxic situation evolved and some of the people who I felt threatened by were narcissistic people who NEVER felt or cared about me or anyone other than themselves. If we grow up with a parent that ignores or needs and is selfish and narcisistic, we only feel the void as well as a sense that we could never seem to please that entity. But our feelings were actually correct, but instead of recognizing these feelings as being the LACK in the other person, we often think it is because of our OWN Lack somehow. Ofcourse we are all born to learn how to please and gain recognition from our parents and those around us that are supposed to be there to HELP us learn HOW to become independant and thrive.

The hardest part of my own journey here at PC was to come here and talk about my own abuse. Oh, I could go around and post to others that struggle and extend my deepest sympathy as well as trying to advise others how to give themselves permission to become stronger and gain knowledge etc. But when it came to me being here, and talking about experiences where I suffered abuse. I struggled with releasing a very sensitve part of me that exposed my personal weaknesses. And I DID have SHAME attached to those experiences. There is also a deep sense of personal guilt as well that I didn't truely know how to express.

We talk about ruminating and feeling depressed and having anxiety and we struggle with areas in ourselves that we don't want to discuss. What we don't truely understand that the ruminating we undergo is not about how we have to go over and over our weaknesses, or parts of our lives that signify personal failures we regret. Ruminating is not all bad, it is how we ruminate that can be harmful to us. The reason we ruminate is because we are actually designed to LEARN how to survive the best way we can. So, whenever we experience something where we were in a very troubling situation that threatened our sense of well being, we are designed to find ways to identify the reason along with how to overcome it, and make sure we learn how to NOT be exposed like that again.

Triggers are more about a question that we need to answer. Triggers are in all of us and what they represent is a time when we encountered something hurtful or we didn't quite overcome. If you begin to recognize that, then it is easier for you to consider that your not a failure or that your going to have to JUST breath you way out of the troubling emotions that accompany triggers. You can actually learn how to take the crippling effects away from a trigger as you gain KNOWLEDGE about WHAT they are and WHAT THEY MEAN and YOU CAN LEARN WHY THEY HAPPENED AND HOW TO UNDERSTAND AND OVERCOME THEM.

Think of these triggers as something that you didn't understand at the time, something you didn't learn and CAN learn about. YES, there are TOXIC people in the world. Learning to identify WHO they are and HOW to NOT allow them to OVERPOWER YOU in any way, that is the ANSWER to reducing the effects of TRIGGERS.

Open Eyes