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#1
Jan 17, 2012, 02:55 AM
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Even though it's only been two days since the abuse incident and I'm not sure how I feel.
The first night I was distrought, cried ( a lot ), and just slept as I couldn't deal with all the emotions I was feeling at once. However, today I feel numb; but very aggitated and on edge. I keep thinking about him and wonder how he is coping in jail. And when I find myself not thinking of anything; I have flashbacks from that night. I have been up all day yesterday, all night last night, and up all day today - because the thought of closing my eyes terrifies me. I found that I became very attached to my mom - and I barely let her leave my sight. And if she has to go out - I go with her; because the thought of being alone is petrifiying. It almost feels like a death sentence or some sort of punishment. I've been taking my anxiety medication. Sometimes it really helps and calms me down - but other times it doesn't seem to have that much affect on me. I have also been taking my antidepressent on a regular basis. But I feel like I'm loosing myself. I'm really scared and I dont know what to do or how to handle the situation. I tried to explain to my mom why I needed to go with her but I can tell that she doesn't grasp how much this really has affected me. The night that the incident occured - I wanted nothing but my friends and family around. Now that my friends are concerned and want to see me - I don't feel up to company because I'm constantly feeling nervous and anxious. Even though I have known them for a long time and they have never steered me wrong - I'm still scared to see them and also embarrassed. So how do you get through this? How do you make it to the next hour when you feel like your going to crack up and loose your mind. I've heard the phrase "one step at a time" or just take it hour by hour. But I can barely make it to 5 minutes when I feel my fear creep back in. I may be acting like a child in some ways (not letting mom out of sight etc) but it's the only way I know how to cope at the moment. Everyone says that it takes time - and that irritates me at this point in time. My mom says that she is going to help find me someone to talk to - but what do you do when you feel that you need that therapist now, because you don't feel as if you are going to make it. I'm disappointed at myself and my ex. I am also furious and sometimes all I want to do is scream and break things - but I know that negative behaviour won't really get you very far. So my question is - when you don't have a real support system in place what do you do when you're feeling like this and have no one to talk to. I did try hotlines etc, but they were not much help -- so any and all feedback would mean the world to me right about now. |
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#2
Jan 17, 2012, 02:35 PM
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So you are isolating yourself from your friends?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#3
Jan 17, 2012, 06:56 PM
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And even though my parents house is a safe haven - all I want to do is break free; as I was isolated in my relationship. I'm terrified of being hurt again - because I really don't think that I can handle it. Also in a way I am mortified, and I'm scared of being judged. I mean when you havent seen your friends in a few years - it's hard to reach out and regain that connection. I live in a very small town and eventually word spreads; therefore I guess that is another reason why I am scared to tell my story. However, I do need a support system - so should I just swallow my pride and reconnect with friends? My biggest fear is judgement. The day after all of this happened - I called my brother and was willing to to tell him what happened. But looking back when I told him about about my ex's behaviour and self harm - I was told to leave him. Because I didn't like what they had to say I told them that I was over exagerating and that it really wasn't that bad (because I was embarassed and loved him) When I tried to tell him what recently happened - he thought I was lying and that broke my heart. I try to talk to him but he pushes me away and that breaks my heart even more. It makes me realize that even if I have a friend or a family member; I'm still not sure what to expect. And to be honest - I can't take anymore heartache right now |
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 Sannah
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#4
Jan 17, 2012, 07:10 PM
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TooTiredTooScared, that is ok, I think that what you truely need to do is find a good therapist and work towards getting on a more balanced frame of mind with all that your dealing with. It does take time and sorry to say many people truely don't understand what PTSD is and it is important you understand yourself better first in my opinion.
It wasn't long before I found out that my friends just didn't understand what I was struggling with, not their fault as most people don't understand it. It took me a while to understand it myself. Unless you have a good safe friend that is a very supportive source, it is understandable that you may want to take time out to figure this all out before you talk to others about what your struggling with. The goal for you right now is DO NOT FEEL GUILTY and TAKE CARE OF YOU. It pretty much sounds like you worry too much about doing for others. You honestly need to take a time out and DO FOR YOU. ((((Hugs))))) Open Eyes |
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#5
Jan 18, 2012, 02:26 AM
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I feel self destructive
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#6
Jan 18, 2012, 09:08 AM
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I hope you didn't act on that. How are you doing today?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#7
Jan 18, 2012, 10:03 AM
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(((((((TooTiredTooScared))))))
Believe it or not that is a part of the PTSD you are experiencing. And it stems from having so many different emotions right now that you are very confused and tired. PLEASE, do not harm yourself, even if you are deeply angry with yourself. Your thinking this is something you failed at again, NO, this is NOT something that happened because of anything you did wrong. OK, one thing you need to do is go either to the local library or Amazon Books online or a local book store and get the book, Codependant No More. Some of your thoughts are the thoughts of someone who only knows how to be a codependant. And you have learned how to be just that because that is what your mother is. Your mother stayed with your father who, from what your describing is a binge alcoholic and can be abusive. Often, for some reason it is very common for someone who has some internal anger issues to select one child to take that anger out on. Though they have done studies on this, they havent really pin pointed the real reason for an abuser for selecting one child. Often it can be the weakest child or a child that may remind them of someone that may have angered or abused them at one time. This child has no idea why and begins to feel like there is truely something wrong with them, which, ofcourse is just not the case. What you have dealt with in your father and your husband is a man with some kind of hole and is addressing something from their past, in themselves that deeply troubles them. When this happens, they can have bouts of anger or risk take and their behaviors can even lean towards abusing those around him, those that even love them. And they really don't know how to be healthy and have healthy relationships, and they are often very controling in many ways. Now I know that you are probably close to your mother, but you have to realize that she too is a Codependant. A Codependant is someone who somehow enables their abusive spouce or family member to continue to disturb and misbehave and even be abusive. And this is something that can be taught, unknowingly from mother to daughter. They walk around on egg shells living with an ill person which can be an alcoholic/drug abuser/ distrubed person or anyone who displays bouts of anger and sometimes explosive behavior. And for the person who is ill and abusive, all that does is allow them to get worse and control even more. And TTTS?, this happens all the time, so many people grow up with this problem and seem to think it is normal behavior or that they are weak or the one that is somehow unworthy or at fault. NO, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANYWAY, what your feeling was taught to you, you learned how to be a victim and your feelings now are that of someone who truely doesn't know better. THAT IS WHAT YOU NEED TO LEARN TTTS. You are not a failure, you simply do not truely know better, not your fault and what your addressing is something that is MORE COMMON THAN YOU REALIZE. Just to let you know, I myself was a born codependant, I was the youngest of three and was abused by both my older siblings and I walked on eggshells around them, thought that it was the only way to be. And this started when I was so very little, too little to understand or know anything different. Do you think your a failure? Well, spend time in PC and read all the different posts that speak of troubled marriages, relationships, childhoods lived around some kind of abusive person or parent. There are so may ways it is said and felt and comes out as a human being that has low self esteem, has trouble coping, self harms, or even feels they should have never been born somehow. There are so many, "How can I's, Why don't I's, and HELPs" amongst so many members here, and then if you do some digging, well there are stories of an influence in a childhood that was disruptive, sent messages of some kind of abuse or neglect, maybe a father who drank too much, maybe a mother who was not warm and nurturing, maybe both parents that didn't truely nurture behind the walls called a home. And that home environment could have very well been all about a controling parent and another parent that was a codependant, or many children that learned how to be a codependant, not even knowing what they were learning. There are people in PC that talk about leaving their families "Toxic people" and that it took them years to learn how to do that. But there is a sense of loss to in that, a wish that it could have been different, that somehow they could have been different or done better or managed it better, just learned to accept these family members better. So much dissapointment, and sense of loss that it wasn't different, more functional and nurturing. And there is a message of grieving, yet knowing that the only true way is to learn how to finally be on their own, that it is ok and they can find people that are healthier, treat them better, and leave that sense of codependancy behind them. And for some, it takes a very long time to realize this, and often this can happen much later in life as well. Some people are very good codependants and hang in there, taking the abuse from other family members. Often the one who choses to leave is deemed as the one who is sick and not well adjusted, but the reality is, that is the one who had the strength to walk away from being a codependant. TooTiredToScared, wow look at the name you chose to be called here at PC. Oh, that is a name so many can identify with. ALONE? NO, YOUR NOT ALONE, a failure?, NO, but your not alone in feeling that either. Oh, and feeling like your being constantly tested, that is something that I have spoken myself, many speak about that feeling. But how can you pass a test if you have never learned HOW? If someone is never taught to read, they are illiderate right? But that doesn't mean they CAN'T learn how to read. In fact last month I watched a story about a man who grew up as a fisherman and now he is 90 in a rest home and was finally taught how to read, and guess what, he wrote a book at the age of 90. I wish I could remember the name of the book but it is about his life as a fisherman. So, your not failing a test TTTS, your just beginning to pass it by leaving an abusive person and asking for help and support. That is where you are now, at the very beginning. And to continue to learn your going to have to find a good therapist, get the book on Codependant No More, and start your new journey in learning how to finally pass that test. And be good to yourself, remind yourself that YOU DO DESERVE THIS, AND IT IS NOW TIME FOR "YOU". This new journey is going to feel different, can be confusing, feel like you are out of your element, ofcourse that will happen, because your finally going to take care of the one person who never got taken care of, YOU. And you know what? it takes "time" to do just that, to learn to give yourself permission to do just that. But know this, it is the only way to finally PASS THAT TEST. ((((((HUGS))))))) Open Eyes |
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#8
Jan 18, 2012, 11:22 AM
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Hello TooTiredTooScared,
After reading your last post, I am concerned about your safety. When I am thinking self-destructive thoughts(suicidal ideations) and I don't feel safe, I go to the hospital and to the emergency room and tell them that I need to talk to someone because I don't feel safe. I am not ashamed of myself for doing that, and I have done it many times. I'm, most likely, alive as a result of taking those actions for myself. Before I became disabled with mental illness, I had many "fair weather" friends, meaning that their friendship was conditional on my health. If my health failed, they would disappear, and they did. I grew un in a small municipality in western maine, out in the sticks, as some are fond of saying. I think I understand your issues with wanting to reconnect with your friends, but feeling hesitant because of your emotional difficulties, maybe you want to protect yourself from being dissappointed by someone you thought you could trust saying or doing something insensitive or hurtful towards you. That, I believe, is a valid concern. People can do and say mean things, it is a fact. Overall, Life is worth the effort, don't allow yourself to believe otherwise. There is no shame with needing help to survive, none. My pastor says that "individualism", or the belief that everyone should manage themselves and ignore the wants and needs of others, and require no help from anyone but themselves, is a lie. I believe so also. You, just being a living, breathing, human have sooo much to offer this world, and yourself. When I was a neglected and scared and confused child, somepeople would see me and care a little bit. That meant sooo much. I'm sure you can relate to a child who might be experiencing what you experienced as a child? You can help this world, this world needs people who can understand the point of view of abused and neglected children, so they do not feel alone and different. To do this, you NEED to take care of yourself first. You can't be there for anyone unless you can take care of yourself. If you need professional help to survive, take professional help! Do I need to bonk you over the head with this concept? Get help, NOW. I'm online in the late morning EST. I do not have internet at home, but I go online at the library in the late afternoon. I will look for your posts. GET HELP! That is, I believe, in your best interest and LIFE IS WORTH THE EFFORT! I'll pray for your safety... Peace, A. |
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#9
Jan 18, 2012, 06:41 PM
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She went for the phone to call my brother and I hung it up on her. I told her that she is NOT to go to my brother all of the time just because she doesn't like what is goign on and that it was this that was driving a BIG wedge between my brother and I. So next she said she said she was calling the police. I said for what - drinking?! When she picked up the phone I disconnected the line. But she called from the cell anyways, and by that time my friend had arrived to take me for a coffee. We went for a very short drive - I wanted to drive by my street and sure enough there were 2 cop cars out front. I asked him to turn around as I didn't want to run from anything - I just wanted to confront it and get it over with. After a long talk and some attitude - I managed to calm down and mom let me back inside. She helped sober me up and still took me to all of my appointments today. I just couldn't stand being in my own skin - and my friend said that it is not a reason; it's an excuse and he was right. I saw my doctor today and my jaw is still really swollen and because of the way the pressure on my jaw my ear drums became swollen. She upped the dosage of my anti depressent's; gave me something to help me sleep and a refill of my anxiety medication. She also put in a referal for a therapist. She said it normally talkes 4-6 weeks but she marked it as urgent. **Side note** I wasn't able to sleep last night and when I did fall asleep - I was SCREAMING in my sleep as I was dreaming that i was being attacked all over again. I was shaking uncontrolably and my mom held me until I fell back asleep - but after that I kept waking up every 20 minutes feeling scared, uneasy and unsettled. So I plan on going to bed early and catching up on some rest. |
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#10
Jan 18, 2012, 07:03 PM
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I'm glad that you are getting a therapist.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#11
Jan 18, 2012, 07:57 PM
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I will tell you one thing - you hit the nail on the head about everything. My mom has always been codependant - and walking on eggshells became an art. When the abuse started with my dad I DID believe that there was something wrong with me - or that because I wasn't a boy (have 2 brothers) that he hated me. He would always coach them in soccer and would never miss a hockey game. I played baseball for 6 years and he never showed up to ANY of my games and it broke my heart. I never understood why. I tried to get into cars and things my brothers were doing but I got shunned and wasn't allowed to be involved which also crushed me. But the thing that bothers me and pisses me off the most are my brothers. They think that I am supposed to be better than this - and that I should have had my life in order by now and standing on my own two feet. They even said that I like drama and the attention that comes with it. I felt insulted and very belittled when I heard this. They got to have a normal life - and got to grow emotionally and were able to figure out who they were. I never got that chance. They still think that I play the blame game and are disappointed that I still have to move back to my parents - because I always seem to fail at succeeding in their eyes which is TOTALLY unfair. And if something bad happens to me they think that it happened on purpose for attention or it has to be "verified" via mom to see if I am lying or not. In fact the night of the attack when I was laying on the bed and realized I was TOTALLY alone. I wanted my family with me so bad. Just to see them, to have a hug; to be asked if I was ok. To tell me that it would be ok and that they would be there for me. Then I realized that I was only dreaming. I instantly felt in despair; and felt more alone than ever. I even debated about my own life. Why should I live if I can't get my family to believe what I say; or if I don't have their support. I thought that I was just a big nusance - and that I would be better off dead. Because what is the point of having a family if you can't even talk to them. It breaks my heart more and more each day - and any time I trie to talk to him about it - he never wants to hear it - or he never has the time. I am no longer welcome at his house and his g/f has become quite the influential ***** with too many opinions about my family. Probably another reason why we don't talk. I leaned on my boyfriend when I was upset or shut down by them - and he told me to stop trying to make them happy and to not live up to their expectations but my own. He was right. But the distance is still there and I hate it so much. See my boyfriend wasn't all bad. In fact he was great - until he attacked me
Now I miss him, his words, his smile, his company, and laying next to him at night. I can't even see myself with anyone else. In a way I am glad that he got charged because he needed to really realize what he was doing. But on the other hand I feel terrible and all I want it to talk to him one last time to say good-bye. I still don't understand how you go from head over heals in love; and talking about marriage - to this heartache and despair. It really sucks. And just because he did something wrong I don't believe that I should stop loving him; because I don't think I ever will.  Quote:
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#12
Jan 18, 2012, 08:07 PM
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It sounds SO foriegn to hear people tell me to take care of myself; because I never had a chance to; and when I did - I was too scared to look at my life. I have always but others before myself. But I guess that is what happens when your family has a finanical crisis and both parents were too sick to work. I worked three jobs, went to school and ran my dad's business - so I guess taking care of others is something that now comes natural to me. But this time I am taking time for me. I am getting my sleep, I am starting to eat again ( had a hard time with a sore jaw ) and sometimes I don't feel as alone as I did the night that it happened. I admit I am in my own shell right now and my doctor said that was ok; and that it is a natural reaction. I just have to find who I really am; what I like and enjoy and find out what I am really capable of I suppose. But I am scared. I HATE the unknown. It TERRIFIES me. The unknown always equaled something bad and I just can't take one more thing going wrong. So I'm going to hide my heart away for a bit and give it time to heal. I am trying to not feel guilty about all of this; but everyone makes mistakes; and yes this was a big one. But I feel that he still deserves to be loved and if he was stable then I would be right there with him. It's just too bad - I NEVER loved anyone before; and I don't want to love anyone else. But what can you do right.
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#13
Jan 18, 2012, 08:10 PM
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#14
Jan 18, 2012, 08:31 PM
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Believe it or not when I do comtemplate my life I do go to the hospital and I see a mental health councellor. But the sad thing was after the first few times, my dad and my brothers thought that I was doing it for attention which really hurt. It was like being stabbed in the heart by someone you thought loved and respected you. After a while if I found myself in crisis; I would call a mental health hotline and would talk to them until I calmed down. I did this to minimize the "drama" effect. I didn't want to be judged anymore ESPECIALLY by my family. At one point I was hospitalized for 3 days because I took pills and started cutting again. My mom would maybe show up for an hour or so at the end of the day and as for the rest of my family there was nothing. No calls, no visits, no cards, NOTHING, and this really hurt me. The day after the attack I called my brother to ask him a question but before I could he asked if I was ok ( I had been crying before hand). When I told him that we broke up and that he was in jail he accused me of lying; so I hung up on him. He has been to the house three times since (to help mom restore her computer etc) and he never asked a single question. No "im sorry to hear about what happened" "are you ok" NOTHING. And all i wanted the most was a hug. Just to know that he still cares and still loves me. I'm not even allowed at his apt anymore but I think that has more to do with his strong over opinionated gf. She said to me that they have tried to help me too many times; and that they couldn't do it anymore; because I didn't know how to change. This in turn made them think that I wasn't putting any effort towards it - when it was the opposite. I struggled and struggled to keep on their good side. but I gave up when they gave up on me. I just want things to be different. Not alone that my other brother went through an emotional abusive relationship and was clinically depressed and had issues with anxiety. So of course my other brother was all open arms with him, let him live with them and sleep on the couch for months, would hang out with him etc. And all I can think is what hypocrites!!! So now I don't even bother anymore because I'm already in a bad enough positon that I don't need to think about them and getting myself worked up even more. I am just so freaking frustrated. I tried writing letters, emails; but nothing worked. If they want to be blind to be then so be it - because one day I know i will have something good and when they want into my life; I will tell them that I let go of them a long time ago. Damn, now im crying but what else is new! I've never seen my eyes so red and swollen before. Kinda looks like I'm high lmao.
Thank you for your prayers as I have been praying for myself also. I also prayed and requested my guardian angels to be by my side while I am going through all of this and for Him to guide me and give me the strength that I need to get through all of this. I am usually an optimistic person who always has faith in things; but it's a bit depleated at the moment so I just make do with what I can for now. And this forum has been a big help. Quote:
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#15
Jan 18, 2012, 09:22 PM
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I didn't sleep last night. And when i did fall asleep at 6am - I had a nightmare reliving the attack. Apparently I was screaming bloddy murder in my sleep because my mom thought that something serious had happened to me. When she saw how distraught I was she held me in her arms until I calmed down. She stayed with me till I fell asleep but I was up again two hours later because I felt on edge and was restless. So today was a tiring and challenging day. I saw my doctor and she was very sympathetic to my situation. It was hard to talk about what happened and sure enough I turned into a blubbering fool. She examed my jaw and said that it would take more time to heal and that there is still a significant amount of swelling. I told her last night that my ears were throbbing and it turns out the inside of my ears are also a bit swollen and inflammed because of the way the injury happened. She upped my antidepressants, gave me something to help me sleep and gave me more antianxiety medication. She said it was obvious that I was taking this really hard. She put in a referal for a therapist and marked it urgent in hopes that I don't have to wait the full 4-6 to get in. After mom was really nice and took me for lunch. I was craving pizza and it tasted so good - but took me forever to eat it - I never knew a jaw could hurt quite like this.
Afterwards I went to the courthouse and met with someone to explain everything that was currently happening with him. He is now on 18 months probation and he is to attend councelling for his mental health, councelling for Parntern Abuse and some other things like must be on good behaviour etc. I was relieved to find out that he is going to attend councelling as I tried to get him to go for over a year as he was depressed. But keep in mind he still treated me like a queen even if he was depressed. I just hope this really helps him. I would also like to thank everyone for your responses and concern. Being able to talk to people who can relate is a big weight lifted from my shoulders. Trying to explain things to people who have never been through things like this is rather difficult and can be embarrassing as well as irritating. The fact that I can be honest and that I am not being judged feels refreshing and makes me feel like I am a real person with real feelings without having to minimize anything. This means more to me than you will ever know as you all help me to keep breathing. Thank you for you're kind words, your reassurance, your prayers but more importantly for being here for me. Althought we hide behind our keyboards; you have all given me more support in a way that I will forever be greatful for. I worked so hard searching for this kind of support for years; and was shocked that people actually read what I had to say AND that they took the tiem to respond. You're words have touched me and have helped me in more ways than one. So THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! |
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#16
Jan 19, 2012, 12:37 AM
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I just read your thread here.
I responded to your other one about dealing with your man. Just had to say thanks for sharing this, too. I hope you heal. You deserve it. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. Billi
__________________
The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness!  |
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#17
Jan 19, 2012, 09:06 AM
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TTTScared, sounds like women were a second class in your family? This mistreatment by the men in your family maybe has set you up to expect mistreatment from men? You deserve better! I know you are lonely and maybe this is why you want your ex back (plus you love him). But really, you deserve better. Please do not settle for crumbs! I doubt that you will get your brothers to treat you the way that you deserve. Those of us from dysfunctional families need to move on to healthier people. We deserve better.
I can see how your caretaker role in the family, without your own needs getting met, has caused your codependent actions toward your ex. Your needs are important! They can come before taking care of others. Your ex is a grown man who can take care of himself. You don't need to sacrifice yourself for him.
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#18
Jan 19, 2012, 11:32 AM
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Hi TTTscared,
I'm am glad to have been able to write something that was useful to you. I've felt useless in the past and it was a horrible and painful, gut-wrenching experience that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I did pray for you, not on my knees, but quietly in my mind. There are so many folk in this world today who are slipping into unhealthy and painful situations through no fault of their own, many times. It helps me to help someone else. Thank you for reading my post. I can relate to your confusion and anguish regarding your birth families indifference toward your mental illness. I have experienced that also. I've decided that, unless I receive a Phd in psychology, it is in my best interests to not try to understand why others do and say what they do and say. Phd's say, even with their years of training and hard work, it doesn't always help them to understand others either. I've learned that I can't change the world, but I can change the way I respond to it. This has worked for me. I believe by trying to change others or even wanting to change others, it will invite frustration and heartache into my life. I will not allow any of that in my life, unless it is unavoidable for my safety or my families safety. My personal advice, from my own experiences, is to allow your birth family to have their views and opinions and attitudes. If someone says something to you, "agree to disagree" and deal with it calmly. I don't believe there is a more effective weapon against an abuser, than to not lower to their level of abuse. That will repel them, I believe. The best revenge is living well, my dr told me that and I believe it to be true also. I hope you are feeling better today. I am glad you are posting here. I too have had too much heartache in my life thusfar. If you cease posting here, I will worry. You might think I'm crazy, but thats alright, I am. Your not invisable. This is the Day that the Lord hath made, let us rejoice and be glad in it! You are worth it and so is life worth the effort and hardships. A. |
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#19
Jan 19, 2012, 05:32 PM
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The last few days I thought so too. Today not so much.
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#20
Jan 19, 2012, 05:37 PM
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I symapthized with him b/c I went through my mental health issues for ten years alone and it sucked. I thought that if I could gain his trust he would see that it wouldn't be as scary as he thought. I miss him treating me like a queen. I miss his smile. I miss being myself most of all. As much as I want to move on from my brother's I don't feel that I can or that I am ready to. And in regards as to what I deserve it is so fuzzy that I can't tell what is right or what is wrong anymore. I just take it all anyways because I have no fight left inside of me.
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| Sannah
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#21
Jan 19, 2012, 06:39 PM
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I finally got to sleep last night and am proud to say I had no nightmares. However I woke up feeling pissed off today and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then I realized why. Last night my mom woke me to reset her modem on her computer. I got up without a word; and started to work on her modem. Then she started to say in a rude and condescending tone saying that I wasn’t doing it right. This aggravated me in a very big way. I said if you don’t like what I am doing then you can either do it yourself or let me do what I am doing. Her response: “Who do you THINK you are. Look around at where you are. You are NOT to talk to me like that, the sooner you get into housing the better.” I said “I am an adult who deserves to be talked to with respect”. Then she went on to say that I always have this attitude that I can’t seem to lose. When I was done, I said “Oh, look! My way actually worked! Who would have thought!” and left. I went to the washroom and then I went back to her and said “You know instead of talking to me with a condescending tone; a thank you would have been nice” – of course there was no response and I went back to bed.
Looking back when I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Social Phobia, Anxiety and Panic disorders I went to therapy and lasted for ten years. I even completed three months at a mental health place through the hospital. I felt so proud of myself and I felt I had changed. I felt lighter. Not long after that I was told my family that I still had this attitude that I wouldn’t let go off. I got really pissed off and was crushed. Everything that I had worked so hard for was failing in their eyes and I still wasn’t good enough. So I started to steal money from them; and would steal beer from my dad’s fridge and would go off drinking on my way to the bar and spent their money till it was my down my thought. I thought that if they thought that I was problematic then I would give them a damn good reason. I felt like if I was found guilty of something I had not done; and it was getting worse then why not commit the crime anyways. Because of this behaviour; I was told that if I didn’t go to this bible camp way up north in the middle of nowhere; that I would have to move out. I was appalled. I started screaming that nothing was ever going to be good enough for them and that i would rather move out then go there. Then my dad punched me on my arm and it was the last straw. I took my **** and got out of there and went to a shelter. I met my ex during this time – even though we went to the same high school together; we lost touch. He was very supportive of me and helped me through my darkest days. But still, today (before the incident occurred with my ex); according to my parent’s and my brothers and my brother’s g/f I still need to get help and it makes me very very angry. They had the chance to grow up with a normal child hood. My dad would coach all of their soccer teams and would attend all of their hockey games. I played baseball for 6 years; and he failed to show up to any of my games. I felt like I was being punished for being a girl and that it wasn’t fair. I felt like I was losing out on the sibling relationships as my brother’s had each other. I even tried getting into car’s not for them but also for myself and I was basically told that I couldn’t do it. I was never taught about cars no matter how many times I asked or pleaded. So now they had something else to bond over while I was left in the cold. Not only that but they got to finish growing emotionally. My brother’s girlfriend is highly opinionated and think she is right all of the time. According to her that I love drama and can’t stay away from it – when all I ever did was get victimized and was constantly trying to recovery. I tried to write my brother letters and emails but I’m still looked at like I am a criminal. They ask me why my hasn’t life gone any where and why can’t I hold down a job or continue in school. I say that it’s too stressful and they look at me with disgust. So how am I supposed to win when I refuse to conform? How am I supposed to heal when I can only count on my mom half of the time. Now I feel like have to apologize to everyone for everything that is happened and i don’t know why. But all I hear in my head is “I’m sorry. I’m so so so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen I’M SORRY, I”M SORRY, I”M SORRY.. and it keeps getting louder and louder. I also feel today that I am beyond help and that the words worth and deserve have no meaning to me as they are not in my vocabulary. All I want is respect, and I’m too tired to fight for it 
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| BrokenNBeautiful
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#22
Jan 19, 2012, 06:57 PM
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You can't get orange juice out of an apple. Maybe you are trying to get from your family something that they aren't capable of? Many of us from dysfunctional families go on to find other healthy people who we can make families with. Sticking around for abuse will only decrease your self worth further.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| BrokenNBeautiful
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#23
Jan 19, 2012, 10:47 PM
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It is so sad when we simply just can't get the ones we count on or look up to or love to be what we need them to be!
I feel for you. I agree that we can't get orange juice out of an apple. But the pain! I know! it hurts so much! And I hear you---living with that kind of family/people can really mess up our h ealing process---might even grind it to a halt. I pray you can get someplace. Not sure where, I know. When our resources are so limited. And yeah, deserve and worth seem very far away. I had a rotten day too. We do have a right to feel better and to be treated kindly, but part of adult living is having to deal with it not happening. Does not mean we deserve to feel bad! I know it hurts. I know. It can really feel like we can't give any more. so sorry. I will think of you for the rest of this night. Billi
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The idea of a soul mate is an ILLUSION. In reality, we must learn to be our own best friend/partner. Then if love comes to us, we will already be whole. All that love can do, at that point, is enhance our wholeness! |
| TooTiredTooScared
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| TooTiredTooScared
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#24
Jan 19, 2012, 10:50 PM
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Well it's not like I have any where else to go. And are you truly telling me that my mom is capable of being respectful to my brothers but is incapable of showing me respect??!!!!!!!! And I don't feel that I have ANY worth right about now - when you're this low; you don't feel like I have barely have any self worth. And at 29 I can't see anyone who would want to put up with a mental case.
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#25
Jan 19, 2012, 10:57 PM
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Thank you for your understanding. But I do feel this constant fight in me to find out what is going through my families head and why can't they open their minds and work at trying to understand. At times I just feel like shaking them when they are coming down on me or talking with their condesending tone. But when i do go for therapy I will be making sure that all of my family is there so that I can tell them how I feel in a neutral and controlled environment. I think my brothers need to know that I never got to grow emotionally past 5/6 years old when the abuse/sexual abuse started.
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