[Eliza Jane]

Not sure if this is the best place to post this, but I'm in need of support and struggling to figure out where to turn.

I'm in my early 30's and going to get married in a few weeks. I am a virgin and I have a boatload of issues around sex. Some of it is likely due to a strong religious up bringing, but I also suspect it might be due to something else too. My t and also my friend (who is a t) have both pointed out to me that when I begin to talk about sex, I have a trauma-like reaction. I even dissociate a little. I haven't been able to remember any sort of trauma though.

I am freaking out thinking about how I am going to be expected to have sex soon. Fiancé and I have never talked about sex and I am afraid to bring it up. We don't even mess around sexually. I guess there is something going on on his end too, but I don't know what.

I am getting upset just typing this out.

My t has sort of switched to a "don't worry about it" approach with regard to the topic of sex. She used to try to get me to talk to my fiancé about it, but she has given up on that. She says to just go along with it and it will be okay. If trauma memories surface, then we can deal with them then.

I don't know. I'm so upset. IDK what would be a good use of therapy between now and then. I'm open to any suggestions or words of comfort.

Thanks,
EJ

Are you getting married in a church? did you have to go to any premarital counseling with the Pastor/Priest? This usually starts discussions for couples... I don't know if the only cause for these feelings are CSA but it could be...

If I were you.... I would go to some couples therapy or something so you can both talk about this... openly and honestly...

[Eliza Jane]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Are you getting married in a church? did you have to go to any premarital counseling with the Pastor/Priest? This usually starts discussions for couples... I don't know if the only cause for these feelings are CSA but it could be...

If I were you.... I would go to some couples therapy or something so you can both talk about this... openly and honestly...

There was some premarital stuff we had to do through church a few months back, but it was really useless. Sort of jumping through hoops so they would marry us. Our priest is very cold and unfriendly. I actually dislike him quite a bit.

Part of me agrees with couples therapy, but the wedding is literally 3 weeks away so we are dealing with a time crunch. I think my t would be willing to let me bring fiancé to a session, but I can't even get up the nerve to say to him that I want to talk about this topic.

I just feel so hopelessly messed up. It is especially frustrating to me that I can't point to some incident or situation that has resulted in me being this way.

Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it.

EJ

If you could be very brave.... I would suggest that you go to a bookstore (even a christian bookstore) and buy a book on sex and tell your fiance...you guys need to have a open honest discussion about it... okay so you both might be shy.... you might have to sit together and read a chapter silently or something... but there has to be someway for you to start the conversation.

I was a virgin on my wedding night... but it was a serious struggle to stay that way especially once we were engaged. But we could talk about it as well as any 21/25 year old virgins can... what we expected... what we thought was "okay"...

Give it a try!

i don't know if CSA is necessary to have your feelings. I think just being raised in an environment where you are made to feel that sex is shameful might be enough

[Eliza Jane]

Thank you so much for your replies. I am really hoping that it is "just" bad attitudes growing up that are to blame for my issues now. I guess at this point it isn't constructive to worry about what might have happened. Like t says, if something surfaces, I will deal with it then.

Thanks again,
EJ

[Sannah]

Hi Eliza, I also agree that you could be having this reaction for reasons other then sexual abuse. It is probably related to why you are going to a T in the first place?