no excuses

Well, i have had a very abusive childhood, growing up in many foster and group homes, being raised by an alcoholic father, who was also very abusive, i quickly jumped into a 5 year abusive relationship, my first long term relationship. I suffered many types of abuse from verbal to physical. Finally it ended. Two months later i was right back in the same situation with another man. That ended and i started another "perfect beginning relationship" with another abusive partner. Being brought up where name-calling, hitting and so on is acceptable, it's difficult to see my self in any other situation. i know myself that this is not "normal" and not acceptable, but for some reason it is very natural for me to do it.
i have now started a new relationship (3 months into the relationship now. My new partner is the furthest thing from being abusive...and i am finding it very difficult to fight fair or not to be verbally or physically abusive...
he has been having trouble dealing with my BP, and the abuse is really hurting him. i dont even realize i am doing it. i dont know where to go from here....but i dont want to loose him. how come it's so hard to understand something so simple?

You have always been used to this, therefore you will always be on the defensive. The best thing to do is to get counseling and therapy for yourself, and if your new partner is willing to go with you, that's great, too. You have half the battle won..you know where it started. I'll keep you in my thoughts. ((((short_n_swt)))

Its hard to understand because it isn't so simple - The way it was explained to me -

Back in the days when my parents were children some things like getting hit with a fly swatter, belt, razor stop was just normal. It was normal that the man of the house was THE BOSS and he ruled both children and wife with an iron fist. the basic concept of spare the rod spoil the child was the rule and norm then and so on.

Since they grew up with this so called norms that set how things run for the next generation - thier children - me and my siblings. So I grew up with these same beliefs.

Problem - in the late 1970's professions started seeing how these norms actually effects a child so now you have three generations that have to be taught that what WAS normal is now no longer normal - The first generation impossible they are basically close to death on the life cycle. So start with the next generation - my parents generation. Parents generation knows the new laws but because they have had the raising they had the instant reaction is fall back on old norms in the heat of the moment. So those making and trying to enforce the new norms realise ok lets do something different with the next generation - mine. have some professionals actually teach classes that will match these new rules so that this generation has options when in the heat of the moment. Schools started teaching classes in homeec how to be a parent. Then later due to lack of state funds schools no longer offer home ec classes.

Whats a person to do? Take the classes as adults -

Problem people don't hear about these classes until they are adults and the norm of their childhood raising is firmly and habitually in place. These peope of this generation knows what is expected and what is abusive but because of their raising they automatically fall back on the old ways when in the heat of the moment.

Breaking the abuse cycle is hard. My mother was better at parenting me and I was better at parenting then she was. the reason isnt because I am a better person then my mother and my mother was a better person than my grandmother. It just means my mother had more options them my grandmother and I had more options open to me than my mother.

Domestic abuse between partners works the same way. In my moms generation people started realizing what was emotional and physical abuse. in my moms generation there was no such thing as sexual abuse and rape between husband and wife. My generation sexual abuse is included in what is abuse between partners.

But there is still a problem because in the times I grew up in what my mom went through was not considered abuse. It was normal. so that pattern is firmly instilled and a habit.

It takes more than just recognizing the abusive ways as abusive. It takes the decision to want and need to change, The williness to learn and actively use new ways of doing thing, therapy and classes to teach those new coping tools so that the person does not fall back into using the old ways, and it takes actively 24/7 of using those coping tools and ways taught in therapy and classes.

If you really want to break this cycle that you are in its time for you to open the phone book and call the numbers listed in the psychiatry, psychology, family therapy, mental health and community services topics and locate a therapist and classes that will teach you new coping tools and ways to handle these situations where you see your problems.

welcome to the forum.

I hope you find some support here. THere are no easy answers but at least we can be there for each other through the pain. Take care of yourself.