Realised this weekend the implications of what happened to me with the priest.

Realised he was "grooming" me.

Realised it was only an accident that I got away relatively safe.

I feel so guilty, so mixed up, so scared - even though much of this is illogical.

T says it's because I didn't process it back then - I forgot about it for 20 years.

Before all this I wasn't sure about how memories could be forgotten. Now I know they can.

Living with constant anxiety and fear, a churcning knot in my stomach, yet still trying to carry on working. I want to retreat, hide away. I can't cry about it. I don't know what to do about it, how to live with it. The urge to hurt myself is strong and I have lost all the ground I thought I had made in recovering from this depression.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((Caroline)))))))))))))))))

You must do alot of self talk right now. Remind yourself that those events were a long time ago. However, now that it's here, examining it for what it was needs to be done, I think.

It will be very hard, but making the connections on how that's affected you since, even though it was put away, will help you. It will help you to make sense of today in a more real way.

Regardless, it's hard.

We're here.

kd

Ty KD.

I put stickers on my laptop, saying "I am safe now" and "It wasn't my fault". That has helped a bit I think. Now it just comes over me in waves instead of being there all the time.
Tomorrow I am due to look at it properly with my T. Scared.
I still can't figure out what was really going on - or maybe I can but I just don't want to.

C

HOw do I do this?
How do I open the box and look at all the hurt, the pain, the confusion?
How do I deal with never knowing whether I am misinterpreting it all, like he said I was?
I'm feeling alone and pathetic.

I had my last session - a "closure" one - with my counsellor today; see my therapist tomorrow. I feel like I have lost something special.

TAlked with T last week but he said we need to do more work before we look again. Is it going to be harder yet?
Sent email to the bishop and he replied and was nice but maybe I don't deserve his niceness.
Maybe I am pathetic
Maybe I am making more of this than it is
but why does it still hurt?
Why did it happen?
Why did he say I misunderstood?
Why did he say I was special?