[MOMW]

My daughter just got out of the hospital after a nervous breakdown. Last night I found her sobbing over the telephone. I asked what was going on and I was told she was an adult (19) and she would handle it. I waited a while longer (about an hour) and asked her to please get off the telephone so we could talk. She told me that her boyfriend gets very angry with her sometimes for no reason and says mean things. I know he has ailenated her from her family and friends. She spends little time at home now. Just sleeps and eats here. I explained that people should not be treated that way and that it was a bad sign. I also said that these things usually get physical next. Again I get the I am an adult routine that she know what she is doing. I know she is in a bad relationship. Any advise out there?

You seem to be a very caring mom since your daughter isn't talking about things with you right now there are some things you might want to know about so that you can understand what is going on with your daughter.

First - coming out of hospital settings and routines are enough to send any one over the edge. in the hopsital everything right down to meal times, tv shows, activites, therapy sessions and groups meds given with no right to refuse, sometimes even bathroom needs and so on. its all decideed for the patient and very rarely includes the patients input. they have very little chioces and if they don't follow through with those choices made for and about them without their input the patient ends up restrained and drugged into compliance. Imagine you an adult being put into that type of situation where who you talk to (therapist and sometimes other patients) and any and all decisions about you are made without your input. how would you feel when coming out? That is probably what your daughter is feeling right now. She doesn't know who she can trust and who she cant, and she finally has the right to choose the topics of discussion and with who and what needs to be done for herself about herself.

When I got released form the mental health unit I felt so weird. one second that they were going to come get me and take me back, the next giddy and happy to be free of that place and people, and the next totally overwhelmed because For the hospital stay I had no responsibilies, and not input and suddenly on the outside Im the one that has to make all the decisions and hope I pick the right things, on top of that trying to please those around me so they wouldn't send me back to the nut ward.

Its going to take your daughter a while to adjust to being out and feel she is ready to trust others.

Also not many 19 year olds discuss things with their parents. most 19 year olds have had 18 years of mom and dad deciding what they can do, where they go and who to do it with. 19 for most teens is the age of FREEEEDDOOOOM YAHOO NO MORE MOMMY AND DADDY RULING MY LIFE stage. and they push their parents away big time, and even more so if the parents are still trying to force discussions, rules and so on.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is step back and wait for her to come to you. Don't keep asking her if everything is alright. Most people that I know including myself say coming out of the nut ward and everytime someone said something like that to me I thought they were just waiting for me to crash again so on goes the "i'm ok, I can handle it now" facade / wall goes up and on. step back and wait for her to come to you that way she gets the feeling that you her parents trust her and her abilities to take care of herself like the resposible adult 19 year olds are supposed to be (whether or not you really do trust in her abilities at this point doesn't matter all that matters is she gain back some of her own confidence in herself. If her parents arent showing they feel she can do ok then how is she supposed to do it kind of thing.)

As for the relationship she is in - well at 19 teens usually gravitate to those that their parents would not approve of if for anything else then to prove to mom and dad "Im an adult now by law and you can't tell me what to do anymore" and that attitude is legally correct - by law the day a person turns 18 they are legally considered an adult capable of making their own decisions.

The best way not to lose her is to step out unless she asks for your help. I know you don't want her to get beat up and so on but she is the one now that has to decide for herself what relationships for her are appropiate or not. by stepping back you will show her you are confident in her ability to do what is right and she won't see you as the one trying to come between her and her boyfriend. Which means you will probably be the first one she calls when she figures out that isn't what she wants and needs help out of the situation.

[Peanuts]

Probably the best thing you can do is be there for your daughter when she is ready to accept your assistance. She is legally an adult and has the right to make her own decisions. All you can do is leave the door open to conversation, advice if asked, assistance. Maybe it would be helpful for you to speak with a therapst for suggestions etc. You would probably feel better about the situation.

Hope your daughter gets her life together and gets away from the abusive boyfriend.