[northgirl]

Hi Everyone-

I denied that I was the victim of CSA for years. I would like to think I forgot about it, but I think the shame and denial was so strong. When I had flashbacks last fall, I had just started therapy for unrelated issues. I thought that I should tell my T about it, thought if I told someone I trusted it would be resolved. It didn't help. Now I am writing an autobiography of sorts, as another way to prove I'm not in denial. It's debilitating and paralyzing to try to write about it. I just want to erase it as part of my past. Why aren't my efforts working? I'm sick of living with it and having it be this horrible stain on my life.

Backstory- Was sexually molested 3 or 4 times by my brother when I was 9, he was 15.

[IowaFarmGal]

Sometimes I wish someone could just reach in and pull some of the memories out and put me back to who I would have been. For me I think the more they tried to work with this stuff the worse I got. People always say journaling is helpful. Do you feel like it's helping you at all though to write about it? Maybe the only good thing is that it is done with and not happening in the present. It's not denial to walk away from something that is damaging in your life that you can't change. I don't know what to say that might be helpful. I know how damaging it's been in my life too. I think that it has gotten less intense over the years but has left me struggling all my life. I'll be 60 next year.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by northgirl

I just want to erase it as part of my past. Why aren't my efforts working? I'm sick of living with it and having it be this horrible stain on my life.

It isn't working because this isn't how you heal. Healing requires coming to peace with what happened to you and integrating it into your life.

[Open Eyes]

((((IowaFarmGirl))) and ((((northgirl)))),

I had the same problem. And one of my main issues was TELLING about it.

I have a question for both of you, I had to realize this myself to be honest.
Yes, it is hard to talk about, wish it never happened myself.
But when this happened it taught you how to be a victim, me too.
And what I didn't realize is while I managed to find a way to push it aside it came back to haunt me along with other things.
What I learned most was that for me, it took my ability to FEEL I DESERVED TO BE HAPPY as well as I KEPT FEELING THAT IF I WAS HAPPY I WOULD BE PUNISHED.

While it is one thing to remember it and journal it, you have to truely figure out how it effected YOU in ways that you truely didn't realize.

No, it is not denial to allow yourself to forget about it for a while. But there are other ways you probably denied youself that you never really realized.

That was the hardest thing for ME to see to be honest.

Open Eyes

[northgirl]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

But when this happened it taught you how to be a victim, me too.

Open Eyes

I think that is the hardest thing to accept. I know I've seen this in other threads, but the idea that we were victimized. I know the first time I mentioned it to my T, he really tried to emphasize that; it must just be part of trying to change my mind that someway I feel responsible. I should have pushed away, should have told someone about it to prevent it from happening again, etc. I don't want to be a victim. Not now, not then. I guess that my belief that you can't blame others for your problems gets me into more trouble as I unravel my own life.

[Sannah]

Yeah, realizing that you were a victim doesn't feel very empowering and probably kind of scary. Seeing that you were a victim is the path of healing, however. You can become empowered now, though. Children are never empowered but you are an adult now.

[Purple Heart]

I agree with Sanna, you need to integrate those parts of you that you fear. It is only through integration that you can heal. But I would like to add something else - for me to do this I needed to allow the child within to become empowered by expressing his feelings namely anger. So now I allow him to scream at the age he may be whether 2 or 8 or 13 which is very powerful for me. I'm now healing because of it.

Originally Posted by Sannah

It isn't working because this isn't how you heal. Healing requires coming to peace with what happened to you and integrating it into your life.

So true. So true. Yet so hard to do.

Thank you so much for this