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Old May 15, 2012, 09:19 PM
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PiperLeigh PiperLeigh is offline
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hello. I was wondering if anyone could tell me if something I experienced during trauma as a child was dissociation. I have recently started therapy and I am sure it will come up but I figure maybe someone here already understands what dissociation is or is not and could give me an answer.

When I was nine i had a physically abusive parent. (used a cut in half 2x4 board to "spank" me, slaps that would bust my lips, etc.) On one afternoon, about 18 months after one of my parent's died, i came home with a report card that did not have enough A's on it. My remaining parent flew into a rage and began beating me. I don't know why, but I was counting each blow. 1, 2, 3, 4....when I reached 18 though, all of a sudden I wasn't mentally there being beaten. I was completely gone. I could not see, hear, or feel anything that was going on in that room where I was being hit. Instead, I was in my bedroom with my stuffed animals. It was the most wonderful relief. I remember feeling the fur of my stuffed dog that I used as my pillow and talking with him. (I had a very strong imaginary friendship with that stuffed animal well into my teens) I do not know what happened during the rest of the beating and I don't know how much longer it went on before it was over.

I'm 35 yrs old now. I didn't know what it was that happened to me when I was a kid, but now as an adult I have read that sometimes people can dissociate during trauma and I have wondered if that is what I did. Although the examples I have read have always given an example of the person leaving their body and watching themselves. It doesn't really matter what it is called, I realize. But I guess I am trying to figure out what I did mentally that day. I am kind of amazed that my mind was able to do that and I have zero interest in trying to retrieve any memory of what happened after I zoned out. I know this is probably one of several things that is contributing to some of my issues, but I am a nervous about discussing it in any detail with my T. I will. I'm just nervous about it because I know it's going to be painful.

Thanks in advance for any insight you might share. <3
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  #2  
Old May 16, 2012, 01:49 AM
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amandalouise amandalouise is offline
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Location: 8CS / NYS / USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiperLeigh View Post
hello. I was wondering if anyone could tell me if something I experienced during trauma as a child was dissociation. I have recently started therapy and I am sure it will come up but I figure maybe someone here already understands what dissociation is or is not and could give me an answer.

When I was nine i had a physically abusive parent. (used a cut in half 2x4 board to "spank" me, slaps that would bust my lips, etc.) On one afternoon, about 18 months after one of my parent's died, i came home with a report card that did not have enough A's on it. My remaining parent flew into a rage and began beating me. I don't know why, but I was counting each blow. 1, 2, 3, 4....when I reached 18 though, all of a sudden I wasn't mentally there being beaten. I was completely gone. I could not see, hear, or feel anything that was going on in that room where I was being hit. Instead, I was in my bedroom with my stuffed animals. It was the most wonderful relief. I remember feeling the fur of my stuffed dog that I used as my pillow and talking with him. (I had a very strong imaginary friendship with that stuffed animal well into my teens) I do not know what happened during the rest of the beating and I don't know how much longer it went on before it was over.

I'm 35 yrs old now. I didn't know what it was that happened to me when I was a kid, but now as an adult I have read that sometimes people can dissociate during trauma and I have wondered if that is what I did. Although the examples I have read have always given an example of the person leaving their body and watching themselves. It doesn't really matter what it is called, I realize. But I guess I am trying to figure out what I did mentally that day. I am kind of amazed that my mind was able to do that and I have zero interest in trying to retrieve any memory of what happened after I zoned out. I know this is probably one of several things that is contributing to some of my issues, but I am a nervous about discussing it in any detail with my T. I will. I'm just nervous about it because I know it's going to be painful.

Thanks in advance for any insight you might share. <3
sorry we cant tell you if this was dissociation in you. doing so is called making a diagnosis. we are not allowed to do that..

what we can say is whether we went through that and what our own treatment providers called it in us..

in me the same things was called by many names depending upon other accompanying symptoms or lack of accompanying symptoms ...

some of those diagnosis's in me were -

anxiety
stress
psychosis
out of body / paranormal experience
dissociation
Depersonalization
DID
an active imagination
hallucination
dehydration
poor nutrition.....

and many more...

As for it being dissociation ... in general ... not making a diagnosis... it could have been or it could not have been only your treatment providers can tell you which it was for you.

my suggestion contact your treatment providers. they can tell you what it is called in you.
Thanks for this!
PiperLeigh
  #3  
Old May 16, 2012, 07:33 AM
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PiperLeigh PiperLeigh is offline
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Posts: 320
Ok then. Thanks. I'm sorry you have had to go through difficult circumstances. I guess I was too direct with my question. Im not really looking for anyone here to diagnose me. I have a provider for that. I was more curious if it sounded anything like what others have experienced during trauma and if they had it called dissociation. But never mind.

Last edited by PiperLeigh; May 16, 2012 at 10:45 AM.
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Thanks for this!
amandalouise
  #4  
Old May 16, 2012, 08:11 AM
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Tigressnred Tigressnred is offline
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Member Since: May 2012
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 41
Dearest Piper,

Thank you for being so brave and vulnerable to share that with us. I believe in mirror image therefore I will share my experience with you as well. You are certainly not alone. I was abused by just about every adult I knew. One such incident I was tied up to a bed, naked, and my step brothers were throwing a machete back and forth over me. It was a scare tactic I know, and I was used to be abused at this point there was much sexual and mental abuse by them( they were really into knives and weapons) but I digress. During this particular incident I did "go away" I went to the beach and I was little like 4 years old (in the trance). When I was abused by them I was actually between 9-12 Anyway, yes I left my body and went to the beach when I awoke from this trance like state I was beaten, bloody and sore from the sexual abuse, but yes I know exactly what you are talking about.

This also led to a more severe form of dissociation growing up because now I have my sweet, innocent little 4 year named (baby) and a smart mouthed, playful teen named (Katherine) she is the nurturer and a controlling, over bearing adult named (Tigress)

I know it is so scary to talk about with our T because we don't want to feel that way again, and yet we are constantly told it is the way to find healing. Good luck to you and if you need a friend please feel free to message me anytime!
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Last edited by Tigressnred; May 16, 2012 at 08:25 AM.
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Thanks for this!
PiperLeigh
  #5  
Old May 16, 2012, 10:43 AM
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PiperLeigh PiperLeigh is offline
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Posts: 320
Tigress, thanks for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry you had to endure that. You have encouraged me that there can be some healing. That is a comfort. <3
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  #6  
Old May 16, 2012, 01:53 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
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Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,289
Hi PiperLeigh,

While amandalouise is correct about none of us being therapists here we CAN openly talk about our stuggles and share with each other so please don't take her wrong about being able to share and even ask questions. Many of us ask questions and even share the things we learn in our recovery and we SUPPORT each other in many ways.

I didn't quite understand disasociation either to be honest and I have discussed it with my therapist. Most people, if not all DO disassociate in many normal ways. Some people can be driving along in a car and thier mind can drift and then suddenly be startled when they realize they were not paying attention. Many of us can remember times in school where we were supposed to be paying attention and somehow drifted away from that into some kind of daydreaming unintentionally.

Because children truely do not know HOW to react to abuse like you are discribing they DO disassociate. We are all designed to have the capacity to do that on different levels. I myself can relate to what you are discribing right down to enjoying my stuffed animals and really feeling them as a major comfort for many years while I struggled with abuse growing up. I am truely thankful for my stuffed animals that shared my bed at night and how they somehow gave me permission to fall asleep because I felt they would comfort and protect me somehow.

I can see on your about me that you have a diagnosis of PTSD and here you are saying that you are in therapy. I too have been struggling with PTSD and am addressing my troubled childhood in a very different way. I am even older than you and in my fifties and am learning things about my childhood that affected me in ways I never truely realized before.

I can say that what you are discribing is very much what I did as well, and I had never realized that I disassociated either. I have done it at other times in my life as well, I do it now as well, but now I do it when I don't want to do it. I am learning about it and how we all have the ability to do it for protection. It is not always a BAD thing either.

Please feel free to share both here and in the PTSD forum as well. We all come and vent and ask and share as we struggle though therapy to finally address some very difficult experiences we faced in our past. These forums are here so that we can find support and I have found them very helpful myself. You CAN ask and share without being a therapist. I think it is just helpful to add that you are not a therapist when giving advice. But there is nothing wrong with sharing and asking questions.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes
Thanks for this!
amandalouise, PiperLeigh
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