TRIGGER! ...............please do not read if you are triggered by sexual abuse................................................................................................................
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Sometimes I think I am over it, and sometimes I can't sleep, like tonight. I don't talk about it to anyone, I never have. It was rape, and it was many moons ago.

I feel like most of the anger about this that I allow myself to feel, is anger at myself, for not fighting back, for not doing something about it after, not reporting it to authorities. I had my reasons at the time, but looking back I feel liked I failed myself, failed others. In my heart of hearts I do not believe this was a one time deal. This isn't the first time I kept my mouth shut either. I feel like I fail women.

Sometimes I feel like I cannot come clean, like there could be some lingering anything on me anywhere. Will this always be the case, I really don't know anymore. I can't even really talk about the depths of how I feel. I don't even know how.

Considering the circumstances of the event. It was an event because I was thrown out like trash, and someone saw that and used me like trash as well. I wonder why I feel like trash, trying to be a treasure always, even to myself.

It really pains me to say any of this, I can barely say the word rape at all, Sometimes I feel like I am not even worthy of a name for it. I try to keep it out of my mind, but nights like these I just feel something that I can't describe. I grew up being an expert at being humiliated in front of others, this is a deeper kind of humiliation. How do you say you feel humiliated in front of your own self ?

[Trippin2.0]

You haven't failed anybody have you tried bringing this up with a T? I know you haven't talked about it, but have you tried or even wanted to try? I won't pretend to know what you're going thru, but the enormity of this trauma has spilled over so much into your sense of self, and I believe that you need someone qualified to help you address it, AND the aftermath... You are N0T trash, I don't associate myself with trash... You are a walking talking living breathing TREASURE of a W0MAN, and I'm proud to know you and blessed to call you friend... Please break the silence, do it for Anika, she is worthy and she is amazing

[roads]

My dear, dear Anika. We are having our nightmare nights, you & me--aren't we? ((((((Anika))))) I am so, so horrified that you have carried this and felt humiliated by something that you were so powerless, faced with.

I too have been raped. I've also worked over five yrs on a rape crisis line in California. We each experience such deep shame in the event--the development of crisis lines has gone a long way toward easing the shame, trauma, and even the deep humiliation. In sharing we learn of how common the huge feeling of powerlessness is--and how really powerless we were to prevent what happened to us. Some degree of release comes from this knowledge.

Bless you, Anika. Please speak more of this, and connect with a rape crisis unit. You can heal to a large extent, as impossible as that sounds. You can rediscover the treasure in Anika.

Roadie

[notablackbarbie]

<<<<as gently as i can
I am so sorry you are struggling with this right now Anika. I really am

Thank you for the gentle words and support.

I haven't discussed this with my t and we have probably an uncommon set up. I've had this t for almost 6 years I think. We have never done any type of therapy besides talk. chit chat. It's not easy to switch because of our healthcare set up. I am not covered for an actual psychologist either, nor can I afford one. They call themselves therapist but I think they are more like counsellors. So I call her when I am too manic to function, or having a lot of psychosis. She then in turn will talk to my pdoc for me and get me the required help, basically she acts more like an advocate for me, which is fine.

I do not think I am ready to talk about this with a live person. At the eating disorder clinic they pushed a bit but I could not open up, I don't know them that well and talking to someone face to face or over the phone would feel like re-humiliating myself over again. Maybe I will post here more, as I feel safe here and do not have to use my physical voice. I feel safer typing this stuff out than verbally speaking about it.

I don't let it effect me day to day. But sometimes it creeps up on me. I think the effect it has had on my spirit is the biggest factor, like you said Trippin, than any anger or resentment I feel.

Thank you so much for listening and takin rime for me. True friends are always there for you in the worst situations, and that's soo true. I needed that shoulder last night.

[Trippin2.0]

Anika, I'm here ANYTIME, EVERYTIME

[roads]

If you feel you can post, Anika, I encourage you to. Even a sentence or two, if it will come out on a fairly regular basis, will be good. If you need to sit with something for a while, you can. For as Lon's as you need to.
(((((Sweet Anika.)))))