[healed84]

T knows that there was an incident when I was a child. It was RA. I know and T knows that this is a huge source of my anxiety and depression. T at first said that he would push me to a certain extent, but not too far to get me to talk about the incident. Once we talked about it in very little detail, it set me off.. Starting to have a panic attack in his office, panic attacks althrough out the weeks. After that, T said he wouldn't bring it up unless I talked about it. I said that, that it may not be a good idea, b/c I might never bring it up again.

Well, I have come to realize that if this incident really is a big root of my anxiety, then I reall do need to talk about it. So, today I had the perfect oppurtunity to talk about it.. T asked me a question about the incident. I paused and thought about it for min. and I fully intended on talking about it, finally. However, the words that came out of my mouth were... "I really don't think I want to talk about that right now." I do want to get it all out in the open, as I have never talked about it with anybody else. I just can't seem to get the words out. And.. I have written out the incident and my feelings surrounding it and T said he would like for me to read it to him when I am ready. So, I tried reading it out loud by myself and I can't. Please, anybody have any suggestions on how I can actually get the words out of my mouth?? Anybody experience not being able to talk about their abuse?

[critterlady]

I can speak in generalities about my abuse, but I have not been able to tell T the details of what happened. I've tried a couple of times, but it ends up with me sitting there hyperventilating. Even when I try to read my written account out loud all by myself, I can't say it all.

So, T and I have talked about not being able to talk about it. We're working on why I can't and for me, there's still a lot of shame around it. We've taken a break from working on it while I deal with my mother's death, but the plan is now for us to work through the shame bit by bit. He tells me that's how it will happen - a little at a time. His goal is for it to be merely uncomfortable for me to talk about it, not terrifying.

I'd suggest spending some time with your T working through why it's so hard to talk about.

[carrie_ann]

(((((((((healed84)))))))) ... RA i have never spoke of in detail ... can't go there ... but if you've wrote it out why can't T read it instead of asking you to? the first step to this stuff is opening up and even just knowing you've wrote it and someone has read (w/o you having to go thru the pain of reading it) is a biggie in my book. sorry this is all i got and good luck progressing with T on this.

[notablackbarbie]

((((((((everyone here))))))))

i also can't. Ive also shut down during potential opportunities. I just... ...
Sorry you are struggling with this too. Hope T continues to support you throughout the fear and everything else as you slowly progress forward.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by carrie_ann

(((((((((healed84)))))))) ... RA i have never spoke of in detail ... can't go there ... but if you've wrote it out why can't T read it instead of asking you to? the first step to this stuff is opening up and even just knowing you've wrote it and someone has read (w/o you having to go thru the pain of reading it) is a biggie in my book. sorry this is all i got and good luck progressing with T on this.

Well, when he suggested I read to him I said, or you can read it to yourself. He said, that it would be better for me to read it out loud. I think because of my situation.. because of the fact that I have not been able to talk about it. I think that since he knows it happens to me the biggest obstacle is getting myself to believe that it actually happen to me and not some seperate girl that was 10 years old at the time. So, I guess it is a dilberate tool to get me to have the words come out of my own mouth.

[Sannah]

It is difficult to talk about because when you talk about it, it brings it back to you full force with all of your emotions and fears from back then?

[healed84]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It is difficult to talk about because when you talk about it, it brings it back to you full force with all of your emotions and fears from back then?

I am sure that has a lot to do with it.. maybe I just want to be able to keep myself together and not toally break down in front of T (that has a lot to do with my control issues).. I guess another part of me knows what happened. However, I have never said those words out loud. T has had to peice together everything he knows by him asking me questions and me notting my head and giving very limited answers. So, by talking about it, giving those memories words, out loud.. I guess it makes it real. I don't want it to be real. I want it to stay seperate from who I am now. Does that make sense at all?

[notablackbarbie]

Yeah...it makes sence.
For me it was a lot of physical and emotional abuse. Cant even approach the other stuff...
((((healed84)))) <<< as gently as i can...
*also here with a shoulder to lean on and an open ear to listen and care too,k?*

[Sannah]

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. It is basically denial. The way to get better is to face it, though.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. It is basically denial. The way to get better is to face it, though.

I have to admit that reading this kind of caught me off guard. I have been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days. Asking myself.. am I really in denial. I mean, I did at least tell T when he asked if something had happened in the past. So, it is not as if I am hiding it inside and not telling him at all. However, I guess it is still away to be in denial even though I at least told him. I seem to be in a good place right now.. So, I plan on pushing myself a little bit in my session with T this week.. Maybe at least read the account that I wrote to him out loud. I can't be afraid of the memories or the emotions that come a long with it. I am hoping for healing and it is not going to happen if it is never talked about.

[Sannah]

Very good!! Yes, you did mention it so you aren't running from it completely but by not wanting to really explore it, you are keeping it at a distance. Healing requires integrating yourself. Integrating your experiences and all facets of yourself. Exploring this experience will allow you to integrate with it. This is the route to healing. Marsha Linehan, the creater of DBT therapy, believes that this denial of experience and self creates a lot of suffering. She believes in Radical Acceptance. You can google about this if you are interested.

Please keep me posted on your session, etc.?

[healed84]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very good!! Yes, you did mention it so you aren't running from it completely but by not wanting to really explore it, you are keeping it at a distance. Healing requires integrating yourself. Integrating your experiences and all facets of yourself. Exploring this experience will allow you to integrate with it. This is the route to healing. Marsha Linehan, the creater of DBT therapy, believes that this denial of experience and self creates a lot of suffering. She believes in Radical Acceptance. You can google about this if you are interested.

Please keep me posted on your session, etc.?

I will keep you updated for sure!

[scilence]

Originally Posted by healed84

I have to admit that reading this kind of caught me off guard. I have been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days. Asking myself.. am I really in denial. I mean, I did at least tell T when he asked if something had happened in the past. So, it is not as if I am hiding it inside and not telling him at all. However, I guess it is still away to be in denial even though I at least told him. I seem to be in a good place right now.. So, I plan on pushing myself a little bit in my session with T this week.. Maybe at least read the account that I wrote to him out loud. I can't be afraid of the memories or the emotions that come a long with it. I am hoping for healing and it is not going to happen if it is never talked about.

I am new to this website. I signed up today. I don't have a support group other than my husband and he doesn't know anything. So, I guess this was a way for me to find out what others say and see if it could help me.
I haven't said it out loud other than shaking my head yes to something happen when asked by my T of 3 weeks.
I read this forum and I guess I am in denial too?

[IowaFarmGal]

I wrote out the stuff I couldn't talk about and my counselor read it out loud. I thought it was pretty difficult just hearing her read it. Eventually I was able to talk about it briefly although it never stopped producing anxiety.