[miss_havoc]

Hello everyone
First of all I would just like to say hello to everyone as I am new here.
I would not normally consider writing about my life because I naturally assume no one is interested in hearing it, however I'm putting myself out on a lb here because you all seem like very understand and caring people and I feel the need to get out what I have been holding in.

Here we go...

When I was younger, I loved my family. I lived with my sister, mother and father. My sister began displaying behavior problems at a young age and was always the cause of conflict and pshyical fights, and would often scare or bully me. One night however she woke me up and asked me to perform sexual acts to her. She is four years older than me, so I complied as I was scared of her, and she insisted. When I told my mother this years later she said all little kids experiment, so I still don't know whether this is right, or my fault.
My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 12 and over a year I witnessed him become more and more ill until he went away on a business trip and died on my 13th birthday. My mother flew over to England (where he went)
to be with him on his death bed. I never got to say goodbye.
On her flight back she met a Scottish man and instantly he was her new priority.
My sister disappeared on my birthday (again) after hearing the news, and when my mother returned she was somehow withdrawn from me, and we have never had the same relationship since. We moved house and she got anorexia through the added strain and the grief she was experiencing.
Because of this she rarely got out of bed, and did not feed me properly so by age 15 I was severely malnourished, and embarrassed to go to school.
He new partner helped her with her anorexia, but accused me of having it too.
He is a very domineering man, and is very intimidating, especially for a teenager who was confused and grieving.
He flew my mother and I to Scotland (from Australia) and I immediately didn't fit in and I had a massive culture shock. My mother and him had a fight on y 16th birthday so the next day we flew back to Australia.
We moved in with my sister and her boyfriend, (into an unclean house) and 3 days later my mother made up with her partner and moved back to Scotland.
She asked if I wanted to go and I couldn't cope with another move so I stayed with my sister, went on welfare, and became my own legal guardian.
My sister, in my opinion has anger issues and for no reason one day attacked me as I got out of the shower. She beat me up, even biting my face and got all my clothes and said I had to leave. I woke up in the middle of the night to throw up from stress.
My half brother let me stay on his couch for a couple of weeks, but I missed my mother.
I then had to leave my brothers an stayed with a friend.
I got into drugs - LSD, ecstasy, marijuana, etc. and nearly died in a car crash coming back from a bush party on drugs when I was 18, (I wasn't driving).
I then got a call from my mothers partner saying he wanted me back in Scotland so for the second time, I moved back there.
It didn't work.
I lived with two different boyfriends over there. One who was addicted to drugs and was very emotionally abusive, an the other who was lovely and who I met whilst I was working in clubs over there as a bartender.
I got pregnant by him when I was 20, but before I found out we moved to Australia together.
My "friends" were happy to see me again, but as soon as they found out I was pregnant they didn't want to know me.
That's when I stopped trying with people.
I had my son and developed PND, and found it nearly impossible to function.
Eventually my boyfriend and I broke up and I just started spiraling down emotionally again.
These days I still live with my ex until he finds his own place, and I also love with my new boyfriend, who gets along great with my ex, so I'm very blessed we work as a unique little family.
Three weeks ago however, my boyfriend and I had a fight and I just switched.
I went to the kitchen sink, picked up a knife and scrubbed it clean. As I was doing this, I was thinking, "if someone stops me, I'm meant to live, of they don't it's fate."
I walked to te bathroom door and my ex saw what I was doing and told my boyfriend. I locked myself in the toilet and made to slit down my wrists, but before I could do it, he kicked te door in and saved me. I collapsed to te floor and was lifeless like that for I dont know how long.
The following week I went to the ER twice so I could get help because I was nearly vomiting from anxiety and my heart felt like it weighed a thoused tonnes.
They did not help there, but told me I had borderline personality disorder.
Ever since I have been coming to terms with what that means and unfortunately, because of the stigma associated with BPD, I now just assume I'm a 'bad' person. I don't so much care what happens to me these days, but I only want the best for my son.

Thank you for reading it all of you made it this far.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Well wow, a lot of instability in your life. Im sorry you werent in a more stable home, i know it can be hard.

I want to mention with your sister, it was NOT your fault you were younger and intimidated. And child experimenting is "you see mine and ill see yours" and on occassion just a small quick touch, if it was more than that, im sorry you were not validated by your mom.
are you seeing a t or psoc? They can help a great deal, especially if you are borderline, and please please dont think you are bad because of the borderline name. The media plays it out to the extreme, they have a borderline section in here, read it over and you will see those with borderline are often good caring people

[Sannah]

Hi miss havoc, welcome to PC. Yes, a therapist would be a good idea so that you can work through what has happened to you.

[miss_havoc]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

Well wow, a lot of instability in your life. Im sorry you werent in a more stable home, i know it can be hard.

I want to mention with your sister, it was NOT your fault you were younger and intimidated. And child experimenting is "you see mine and ill see yours" and on occassion just a small quick touch, if it was more than that, im sorry you were not validated by your mom.

Thank you for validating that for me! It really relieves me of some guilt and shame... I wish my mother would do the same, but I will never bring it up with her again.
I'm seeing a psych for the first time tomorrow, and I hope it helps me get these contant flashes of memories out of me.
My anger feels like it is consuming me, but I have no more energy left just to function during the days.
Thank you again for your kind words, and I hope you are in a good place yourself.

[Gr3tta]

If what your sister did made you feel intimidated, scared, ashamed, and guilty, then it was definitely way beyond normal childish experimentation. It makes it even worse that your mother didn't protect or believe you. I'm sorry that happened.
You're doing a great thing working on improving your mental health for both yourself and your son. Don't worry about a label like "borderline," it just gives health care professionals some guidelines to help them know how to treat you. It doesn't really say anything about you as a person.
Thanks for sharing.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Miss havoc, I believe it is a good idea to not bring it up to your mom again. Parents are supposed to support and validate us but some parents, for whatever reason they may have, can't do that and it just makes the situation harder.

You have every right to be angry, every right to be hurt and upset, just make sure you aim that anger in the right direction and not yourself. Forgiving yourself is a big step in healing. I'm just now reaching that point. I was SA'd by my oldest brother for years growing up (he was 3 years older) and I would cry myself to sleep when the memories would come back. I hated myself and felt worthless, used up trash. But then I started to see my current t and things have changed so much since.

He showed me that it wasn't my fault, I was younger and went along because of threats. I was just a little girl who didn't even know at the time just how wrong it was. I was innocent until that point. And the anger, shame and guilt started to fade away in terms of blaming myself and I put that blame where it belonged, on him.

I don't intend to stay angry with him for the rest of my life as he was a child too, granted he was a teenager when he was still carrying it on, but he was a child who was doing what was done to him. I blame him and right now I could rip every hair out of his head if he looked at me crossly, but I am working on that anger and eventually plan to carry no more anger. But I embrace the anger, it's been 20 years of self blame and self hatred, I have finally been able to learn to forgive myself, and it's an incredible feeling.

Blaming yourself is pretty common for this kind of abuse, but you have to remember you were just a child. A good idea that has been mentioned to me time and time again and that is very helpful, go to a play ground. Watch children playing, look for a child around the age that you were when the abuse happened, and a child around the age of your sister. Now ask yourself, if it was happening to those children, would you blame the younger child at all?

As far as the borderline goes, I agree with the above, a name is just a name in the medical field, it doesn't determine who you are, it just helps the doctors know which treatment is best able to help you. Therapy is a WONDERFUL tool for people like us, you just have to use it and it can do wonders. Best of luck and please let us know how it goes!

[Open Eyes]

miss havoc,

What you are discribing here is a lot of abandonment in your past. And your older sister is having issues with this as well. And your mother had some things happen to her that interferred with her making sure her children felt loved, and safe.

Borderline Personality disorder doesn't mean you are a bad person. Unfortunately it has a stigma to it that is wrong. The majority of the patients that are diagnosed with this disorder had some childhood abandonment issues, suffered abuse, and did not develope a normal sense of how to interact in a healthy relationship or have trust in others as well as feel secure in themselves.

Anyone can say they struggle in those areas, but it becomes a disorder if someone has these fears so much that it interferes with thier ability to manage their lives. For someone with this disorder, they want to feel safe and loved, however they feel that when they do get involved with others, it will eventually mean abandonment. This fear of abandonment can cause them to get extremely agitated when they start having a strong attachment to another person. They can actually become angry because even though they want to "trust and love" they don't seem to be truely able to trust the relationships as they become closer. This could very well be what happened with your sister when she started to get aggressive towards you for no real reason. It could be a major contributing factor to how you get upset and even entertained using that knife "if" no one stopped you from doing so, meaning will someone "care" enough. So you are very confused right now.

There can be many tests a person with this kind of disorder will present so that somehow they can get past that "fear of abandonment" that began when they were a child. However these patients don't really understand "why" they need to keep testing or experience anger when they do get to a level of closeness with others. It takes a good therapist to help these patients understand why they feel this way and to develope healthier ways of seeing themselves and others.

All human beings struggle to trust others and they all fear abandonment to some degree. And all human beings have to learn how to overcome this fear which also includes not having the right value in themselves.

So what you need to do is to work on this with a therapist that can help you learn how to overcome this problem in yourself.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[miss_havoc]

Thank you all so much... you have all helped me see things a little clearer, and I'm seeing a psych today, so hopefully that will go well and help me work through some issues...
My boyfriend is amazing, but I want to be emotionally stable within myself to be able to help us work long term.
Looking at children around the age of the abuse is an interesting and good idea!
I do not blame my sister for what happened, only hope I can move on from it.
I really think I have a lot of issues to sort out to do with my parents, but at the same time I feel guilty that I can't just sort this out myself, and I often feel like a burden even for talking about any of this.
I guess that's all part of the internal war that's going on inside me. I can't stand to hurt others, so I hurt myself, because there is SO much anger going on inside me.
It feels like it's eating me from the inside.
My end hope is that I'll be able to function again... Happily get out of bed, and actually go outside!
Even wanting to make friends and meet people is a terrifying thought.
I appreciate all of your replies, and please know I'm here too if you need me.
Love and hugs to you all xx