When to admit it

I was beat, called names and never got far from that. I was emancipated at 17 just so I could get my diploma. My question , do all mothers deserve forgiveness ?

Not necessarily, depends if they earned it, but all survivors deserve self forgiveness and forgiving the abusers as carrying that anger will weigh heavily on you

Do you feel that your mother deserves forgiveness?

No , but it seems like that's what I'm supposed to do to move on.

bull pucky. not protecting us in the most basic way? is not forgiveable. period. how stupid did they have to be, to allow that that stuff to happen, like right in front of their faces? If they were that dumb, they wouldn't understand your forgiveness anyway, so don't even worry about it. This is like what someone else posted about harm reduction - don't worry about doing things right; do things in a way that mess you up the least now.
http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...84#post2458884

I don't think so either. Forgiveness comes last I think. Do the rest of your work for now.

I agree with this.. I dealt with my fair share of crappy to abusive parenting. I have yet to forgive either of my parents, but we are working towards repairing relationships. I think once, that they have shown me, that they have changed, and deserve the forgivness they will get it. It takes work on my part and their part.

I think what's most important is to release the frustration and anger surrounding your upbringing. The goal is for you to feel comfortable with yourself - comfortable meaning you're doing what's right for you- and the bad feelings are gone. No anger etc.

If forgiving your parents helps you to do that, then do it.

For me, I am at a point where I do not talk to my mother at all (father has passed away). I'm very comfortable with this. I do feel somewhat guilty as my mother is in her 80's and certainly won't be around too much longer and this kind of weighs on me, but when I think about making contact with her it just doesn't sit right with me. I don't have any hope of my mother changing, so if I am to forgive her then it will be because I am unable to live with myself. As stingy as it sounds, it will be for my comfort- not for hers. OMG........ that just sounds awful doesn't it?

This is a good thread Lola- I'm gonna have to do some real thinking on this.

Not at all. I'm sure you spent your life not getting your needs met. It is your turn now.

I don't believe it's necessary to forgive. Also, you can't make yourself forgive someone, forgiving is a feeling, and you either feel it or you don't.
Work on making yourself safe and well, and forgiveness may or may not come, either way is okay.

I work on forgiving people who have abused me *for myself*, not for them. I forgave my abusive father but never told him and never spoke with him again. It gave me a lot of peace, to forgive him. It's an approach that is advocated in a lot of religious traditions too, probably not without cause but I'm always skeptical of organised religion myself.

Admittedly, it has been harder for me to forgive other people who have abused me.