[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

A big part of healing is forgiveness and acceptance correct? But in the opposite order? Well how do you acvept the horror? And when you do, how do you forgive them? Ive always forgiven them by putting the blame on myself or convincing myself it didnt happen. I still cant convince myself that some things happened, although deep down i know they did. And ive stopped blaming myself and put the blame where it belongs, on the abuser, but now im SO angry with them. How do i forgive them?

[Sannah]

I think that you need to work through your anger and your past and be able to let it all go before you are going to be able to forgive.

What you are describing sounds pretty normal that once you stopped blaming yourself that your anger would surface.

You are doing good work!

[Typo]

I couldn't bring myself to forgive my abuser, ever. I was filled with so much anger, self blame, hatred for myself, It was all just a poision that was destroying me and keeping me from growing as a person.

I realized I had to accept what happened to me, in order to move on with my life, that I couldn't let my abuser have power over me anymore, and the only way to stop that was to accept it happened.

I worked on, instead of forgiving the abuser, forgiving myself, I forgave myself for beating myself up for so long, for being so cruel to myself, for blaming myself, for letting the anger and hatred poison me for so long. I forgave myself for not loving myself or taking better care of myself. I promised to live a happy and full life, surrounded by positive and healthy people. A life well lived is the best revenge.

I don't feel like my abuser desereves any forgivness, he was a sick man and a selfish man for taking something so precious away from me and leaving me hollow and with so many emotional scars. But I deserve forgivness for continuing to let him have power over me, and for beating myself up for so long.

I don't know if that helps any, but it really helped me a lot when I realized that was what I needed to heal a little. Some people do feel like they should forgive their abusers, everyone's recovery works differently. I hope you find your path purple, I Know you will.

Sending warm wishes
Typo

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you both. I guess what im having the most trouble with is mom. I refuse to let go of the excuses ive given her and put the blame where it belongs until i know i can forgive her. I cant carry that anger toward her, su until i know i will be able to forgive, i have to deny any wrong doing...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I cant carry that anger toward her

Why not?

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Because she didnt do it on purpose, it was her negligence that did the worst. She had a bad childhood so she never really grew up, self medicated with drugs and alcohol. She always told us how much she loved us and worked hard to support us, just coUldnt give up the party life. Just didnt see how much it hurt us.

I feel like i owe it to her to forgive her, and she was the best we had growing up, far from perfect but better than the s abusers and physical abusers. She just wasnt there and when she was, the drugs and alcohol controlled her

[Typo]

I understand that purpleflyingmonkeys

My mom was really emotionally abusive to me and still is at times, it's okay to be angry, but I understand why you don't want to be angry with your mom. It's hard to be mad at those who tried their best to take care of us but they let their own demons get in their way.

My mom had a very bad and rough childhood too, she was s abused, her mom was neglient to her as well, and they grew up very very poor. I know now my mom gets the way she does sometimes because she doesn't know any other way to communicate and she never tried to really learn either. It isn't an excuse but a reason and it helps me understand a bit more. It's okay to be mad at her, you don't have to hate her, but it is okay to be mad, or feel sad, or upset about how things went. Your mom having a bad childhood isn't an excuse to have been negligent to you, but it may be a reason, she may have never known anything else or how to be. I know I myself have worked hard to fight my demons and I know when I get ready to have children I will never treat them the way my mom treated me.

You can forgive her, and it's okay to be angry at her as long as you are working on that anger constructivly with your T. Anger isn't a bad emotions, just so many of us were taught it was growing up, or we saw what out of control anger can do.

You have the tools and support to have a constructive healthy relatinoship with your anger without it poisioning you.

[Sannah]

Letting out your anger and working through it is part of the healing process. You can work on your anger in therapy without ever sharing your anger with your mom. I tried to share my anger with my mom and it was a total waste of time. She wasn't going to take any responsibility for what happened. I was able to work on my anger without her even being involved. I am no longer angry with my mom.

Purple monkey would it help if you wrote a letter to her explaining how she hurt you and why you are so angry?? Tell her everything you ever wanted to tell her but don't send it burn it, once you have wrote it and got everything out of your system...This has helped me with my anger lots of times...its the first thing T suggested I do.

[FacingChains]

My mom is my abuser and she had a very bad life growing up. She actually uses this as her excuse for being physically, psychologically and emotionally abusive, I am an adult and she still is trying to be abusive today. I only recentlydecided to have to cut off all communication with her. It is really hard b/c we have some good times when she isnt being abusive, butit is an abuse cycle I came to understand. I turn my anger inward, so it is VERY hard for me. I forgive HER moreso than myself andyet she is the reason I hate myself so it gets really complicated. I do not know , can never understand, no matter what reason, drinking, the past whatever, how an adult can hurt helpless children. Yet we forgive, but we must start somewhere and end the violence...so forgiveness, yes I think is really important. I still need a lot of therapy though.My dreams say I have not forgiven..they are very violent and cruel. We are in a tough spot. Chains

[Gr3tta]

I haven't forgiven anyone. But that hasn't kept me from letting go of my anger. Maybe I've just done things differently than others.