Guilt guilt guilt

Could be triggering

Session about boundaries and again guilt...

It is not my responsibility to make everyone happy
I am not responsible for others feelings

Very hard... I've spent my whole life thinking, well if I can make other people happy, they wont hurt me. But they still do. And some just really know how to get what they want from me.

At 15 mom pulled the car over, pulled a knife out of her purse and said I had hurt her so much that she was going to kill herself. She says "Just go ahead and kill me, if you don't I'll slit my throat myself" of course, and thankfully she never did

In therapy today I realized, this is not rational, this was in itself very damaging to me. That one time still effects me 10 years later. Any time I try to mention my past, any time I say something she doesn't like, she looses it and guilts me. Any time she wants anything she guilts me. And I'm so afraid of hurting her again like that so I cave. All the time.

She called a few nights ago drunk, it was 11:30pm and we were in bed. I told her we were in bed but then she started making me feel guilty so "It's alright mom, what's going on? I can talk" and I woke up. Next thing I know she's guilting me into not returning every text that she sends to my fiances phone, not returning all the texts my brother sends, she starts getting mad and on the verge of crying until I feel terrible (even though I do text her, just not my brother because he was one of my abusers) about it and agree to start texting my brother again. Even though he's the reason I had a seizure in May.

My mom is a good person, she loves us. But t made a good point, she's manipulative. She's manipulated me time and time and time again, she still does. I wanted to make my own wedding dress for my wedding coming up, but she guilted me into going dress shopping with her. I love her, but it really isn't healthy.

So t tells me I need to just shrug off the guilt trips, he assures me that she wont hurt herself and that she wont be as hurt as she pretends to be if I don't do things her way... But I can't help but feel like I'll be turning my back on her... So the guilt cycle continues...

Please tell me I'm not crazy feeling this way, that somehow this can be normal? Or that there is a way to lose the guilt?

I never imagined she was an abuser before, until I had my own child and I look back and realize even though unintentionally, she did cause a lot of the pain. But I could never tell her that, she would make me of course feel like it was my fault and I shouldn't feel that way.

When we talk about her ex, who was physically and sexually abusive to me for years, she will say "It's a shame, he was so handsome and I loved him so much" and when we actually talk about his abuse, she freaks out "I can't hear about that, don't talk about it, it makes me feel too bad" ugh

Don't feel guilty because it's not your fault

Hang in there, hope you find some peace

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it's her stuff, not yours.

She is responsible for her own happiness, not you.

B.

I agree with billi, but your mother has some deep problems of her own, I am wondering if she suffered abuse herself or was somehow abandoned in her childhood.
Your mother has "very low" self esteem, not your fault.

And your desire to "make others happy so you avoid being abused or hurt" that is from your abuse and CSA. I have that too, and my T works on that with me. I also care deeply about how others hurt, because of how I was hurt and what I saw constantly happening to my brother. I was afraid of him, yet felt sorry for him and I was the youngest and had no power in my family.

(((Purple))) it is hard to stop trying to "please" others to feel safe, but it is not "your fault at all". You are not alone in that.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Yeah, don't tell her this. Is there a boundary between you 2 do you think? (I'm talking about a healthy boundary).

Selfish..........

From what you have shared, I gather that your mother is extremely narcisitic and manipulative. Like me you also sound very codependent. It is easy to say do not give in to her manipulation but hard to set those boundaries and not let yourself get suckered in I find it a slow process but I am making progress. Every time I managed to set a boundary I do acknowledge it to myself and celebrate my success. I am getting better, slowly.

I wish I could solve your problem (My codependent nature again), but I do not have an easy answer. I think that baby steps are the best approach, but each time you do succeed in setting limits, make sure that you acknowledge it and maybe share it with someone you can trust. Progress may come slowly, but that is much better than none at all

Hugs
Larissa

She was abused pretty badly as a child, she has a pretty difficult childhood following her and she never really got help for it. My Grandma never aknowledged the abuse my mother went through so she never had any support at all for it. But when trying to explain this to t, he asked "How many excuses do you have for her?" and to answer that, I've made excuses for just about everything. "Well she was a single mom" "Well she had a really hard life" "Well she worked a lot so she had to use drugs to stay awake" "Well she was lonely so of course she didn't want to leave him" etc etc etc, I've got excuses for just about everything.

Yeah that's pretty much how things were for me, and I have always thought it was ok to feel bad for others pain, it was ok to feel guilty and care, it made me the "bigger person" always going out of my way to help others despite how much they hurt me. Buying my dad food when he spent his whole pay check on drugs, giving him rides (albeit I didn't know where until we got there) to his dealers house, because if I didn't do these things I felt bad. I would feel like "Well I know he needs help, and if I don't help him I'm no better than he is turning my back on someone in need" Only recently am I realizing there's a difference between helping people to avoid my own guilt, and actually helping people who need and deserve it.

And any time anyone hurts, I physically feel their pain. I can't watch scary movies or gorey movies even, well I can but any time anything at all happens that hurts someone I STILL (at 25 years old) cover my ears and shut my eyes. I can't bear it. But I'm seeing I'm allowing everyones physical and emotional feelings interfere with my own, and I guess that's not healthy? I just always though, that yeah it is because of my abuse that I feel others pain more but it makes me a better person. But it's not like that because I take the blame of their pain to myself. Not healthy I guess

Yeah another problem... Like especially when it comes to men, especially when I'm alone. When I get hit on, it's a HUGE trigger for me. I avoid saying no until I absolutely have to, because I'm worried what will happen if I do say no. I've seen no turn into violence. I've seen no make things much worse than they probably would have been. So when I get hit on, I get really uncomfortable and try to just run away. If I can't run away I try to nicely change the subject or bring up my fiance if that still doesn't work then I have no other choice and it freaks me out. But t and I have been working on this and I've been more assertive and I've been a little faster at things like this but it's not easy. Also when co workers call me every day I have off asking me to fill in for them, so much that I often wouldn't get a day off at all, but lately I've been learning to say no to this as well. It's really hard, I just want to do anything and everything I can for everyone so I don't upset them, I know what happens when people get upset. Thank you open for such a kind response

There is no boundary between us, I don't even know where to begin with this. But setting boundaries in itself will be difficult. Of course healing is hardly ever easy but I know I'll be upsetting her big time and she will lay the biggest guilt trips on me any time I set a boundary but I'm beginning to see just how needed it is.

Thank you. I am codependent, very codependent. It makes things hard for me, but I feel like I don't matter as much as the other person and I'm very willing to put myself in harms way to avoid anyone else feeling pain. No matter who it is. Guess it doesn't make me a "good person" just an irrational thinking person. Eck. Thank you, it looks like some things are coming easily for me, others are taking much longer, I think this topic will be one of the hardest for me to conquer.

You're in a very difficult position, and I feel for you. You are aware of what's going on, which is great. Unfortunately, it's difficult to not feel guilty when it's ingrained in us....What my T encourages me to do is to take action - do what I know is healthy - IN SPITE of how I'm feeling. It's incredibly difficult, but it has been very successful the times that I have followed through with it. Creating boundaries is very hard work, but it's important work.

(( HUGS ))

well, i always say manipulation is never love don't see how she loved you. i am the same way all i have carried is guilt. my therapist and i have been talking about this a lot about me making others happy instead of myself. i was always a people pleaser just like my mom and she still is. she hasn't done any change at her in over 40 yrs of her life still miserable and bitter.

i told my therapist that i took those bad habits from my parents as they never taught me anything positive in life nor did i get the nurturing as a child that i should have gotten. my mom doesnt believe in nurturing im like how could u call urself a parent? my mom is extremely codependent as i got that from her too it makes it hard to go somewhere by myself without having some kind of codependency attack i know strange way of putting it.

these are the triggers i still have. nobody understands why my behavior is the way it is because i inherited it from my parents it is not rocket science...

I suggest a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. It is excellent...knowing the difference between YOUR stuff and HER stuff is huge.

She has made you her confidant. That is unfair. You are NOT her peer. I would tell her that you aren't comfortable listening to (whatever makes you feel uncomfortable) and ask her if she would seek therapy. If she persists in crossing your boundaires, you can either hang up on her (telling her that you will do that) or walk away. In some ways she is like a child ..she wants what she wants and isn't willing to do anything to help herself....and manipulates you. You can stop it. It takes practice, but you can do it!