[Focus62]

I wrote this for my T and I'm trying to work up the courage to share it with her tomorrow. I'm freaking out because I haven't really explained to her the CSA I had endured when I was younger, she knows that it happened but I never went over it in detail with her. But what happened Wednesday is too much for me to bear, I need to talk about this but I am so afraid...

A little backstory, my mom is an alcoholic. My family doesn't talk about any of our problems, ever. My brother and I would get reprimanded if we even dared to bring family issues up, therefore I have never spoken with my parents about the CSA I endured. I was pretty sure they knew that it happened because it was hard to hide it as a child, but I wasn't 100% sure until Wednesday... She mentioned who we'll just call "R," and I was completely blind-sided. I just don't know why she chose to bring him up now. I am beside myself with pain.

Below is what I wrote my T, what I will give to her tomorrow. Is this safe to share? I'm so nervous, I don't know if I can do it...

On Wednesday my mom gave me a call. She was drunk and agitated. I talked to her for only a moment before I realized this and knew that I didn’t want to be any part of it. As soon as I tried to get off the phone with her she got angrier and started in on me saying all this stuff about how I never wanted to talk to her, that I was just being spiteful for no reason. I know I should have hung up at this point, but I didn’t for whatever reason. I just kept quiet. She commented on my lack of response, asking incredulously, “Aren’t you going to answer me?” She called me a disrespectful *****—that got under my skin. I said, “You’re right. I don’t respect you, how could I?” She snapped back at me something along the lines of, “This is why you get in so much trouble, even when you were younger all you did was resist.” I replied, pretty fired up now, that that’s not true at all, it’s just them I get in trouble with because they’re impossible to make happy. I asked her who exactly I resist against, she slurred, “Everyone. Family, friends… R.” She scoffed after this. I didn’t even know what to say to her, I think all I said was, “What?” I wasn’t even sure she knew before this happened, but I guess I don’t know why I thought she didn’t, it’s not like it was easy to hide. She went on to tell me if I had just relented to him instead of “kicking and screaming” I would have made it so much easier on myself. I couldn’t take any more and I hung up on her (finally).

I felt sick afterwards, I was/am shaken up… I am upset and angry. This is causing me so much pain to think about. It is bringing up memories that I can’t distract myself from. I can’t sleep because I’m afraid to. How could she have known about this happening for years and she never tried to stop it? She never tried to talk to me about it; she just let it happen like my own well-being didn’t matter to her. I don’t know how to deal with this.

[Focus62]

Nobody here has any experience with writing their T?

[Hatter08]

Sorry, I don't have a therapist just yet. The only advice I can give is go for it. She's there to help you. Besides, Whatever happens, we're here for you. Wish I could tell you more but I just recently decided on trying to get a therapist.

[Focus62]

Hatter - Thank you for the reply. You won't regret getting a therapist if you're prepared to go through the pain to get better. Gentle hugs if allowed

[Hatter08]

Haha, thanks for the support. I think I'm definitely ready to do whatever it takes to get better. Just be sure to keep us updated on what happens.

[Sannah]

Hi Focus, your note to your T is very good. Good luck today in discussing this with your T. And yes, please keep us posted on how it goes?

[WhiteCruelty]

A therapist is used to listen many horrible stories and many weird questions. That person doesnt go to laught or other thought you could have. A good therapist never goes to judge you. Never. And even better the therapist need to help all the information that you can tell.

Good luck and hugs.

You are so brave!!

[Focus62]

Thanks all. It went very well. I was very nervous in giving it to her, I worked my way up to it. She responded gently and calmly, which is just what I needed. She didn't push too hard, but when I completely shut down after giving it to her, she prodded me for how I was feeling in the moment. It was good though, it showed me that she wasn't abandoning me and that she wanted to know more...that she was concerned and that she cared. I didn't delve into much, I just couldn't... but overall, I think I did good and I'm not going to beat myself up over what I didn't say even though I wanted to say so much! She also asked me if I think bringing her therapy dog in would help me to feel safe (I am a very animal-oriented person) and I said yes so she asked when I was free and she would bring him. I never have 2 sessions in a week though so I was like, "This week?" She said "Yes, when are you free?" I was very happy that she offered this to me, I feel another session is very much needed. I am so full of gratitude that she is doing this for me, she knows how much I miss my animals (I am away from home, in college) and how big of a part of my life they have been. They are a stress-reliever for me and a furry thing to hug is often what I am missing... I am so grateful for her

Thank you for all your support guys. I hope you're all lucky enough to find a T that gets you just as well.

[Hatter08]

Awesome, congratulations! Glad everything went well for you!

[Sannah]

Good work!! Continue to keep us posted?

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am happy that it worked out.

It takes a lot of courage to talk about it, esp when we fear how someone might react.

And I am so sorry about what your mother said to you. That would have devastated me. They blame us. Innocent people like us.

thanks for sharing this.

Broken

[Focus62]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Good work!! Continue to keep us posted?

Thanks. I will keep you guys posted come Thursday.

I am having a rough day today, I have too much going on in my head. I have too much to do that requires thought and concentration and I just don't have it right now. I still can't sleep well, nightmare after nightmare just keeps me up and not wanting to sleep. It's like I'm in a constant state of flashbacks or something; when I'm awake or sleeping, its all I think about. I need to get it out but I can't. I don't know what to do .

[Hatter08]

I would bring that up with your therapist at your next meeting. I'm sorry, I wish I could help. You seem like a great person whose been dealt a crappy hand and I'm sorry for that. I just hope you get to feeling better. Sometimes just thinking positive seems to go a long way. Just keep in mind that we're here for you.

[Focus62]

I went in to see my T today, and she had her dog with her . It wasn't the most productive of sessions really, we talked about some hard stuff, then meandered into random stuff for a while, then went back to uncomfortable, but not really tough trauma stuff. But, I felt good afterwards, I think it was worth it and I feel a little calmer now. We talked a lot about how animals are soothing for me and that it was good to have her dog there, I liked it. It made it more comfortable for me and she said we might be able to do it again sometime .

It was a different session... I really kind of felt more childish. We both ended up sitting on the floor with the dog talking about stuff. She was asking me to think up ways to put my "adult self" into my nightmares to save the "little girl" from the abuser...and I don't know how to do that. It was really hard for me to think about and I felt dumb talking about that stuff (I didn't tell her that though)... It was really a struggle. We also talked a little bit about safe places and how to ground myself. I would love to have something like a dog or a cat but my landlords don't allow those, so she suggested a stuffed animal. Talk about making me feel even more childish! I don't know what I'm going to use as a grounding tool but that's what she told me she wanted me to work on, finding something to ground myself with and putting my "adult self" into my nightmares/flashbacks. This stuff is hard...

I don't see her next week due to conflicting schedules. She offered to open up some times for me next week (she won't be there on my regular day and the other times she had open during the week were during my classes) but I said "no, that's okay" cause I was too shy to say yes, I would like her to do that for me. Dumb decision . Part of that whole feeling like a burden to everyone thing.

[Hatter08]

I love animals too. It's a matter of comfort. You don't need to feel childish about the carrying a stuffed animal thing. Almost everyone I know has the little things they keep for comfort. For me, it's zip-up hoodies (even in 100 degree weather.) My sister carries around a small piece of silk that she can hold whenever she's stressed. It's just a healthy alternative to other things people might turn to for comfort and doesn't necessarily has to be a stuffed animal if you don't want to but there's nothing wrong with that.

As for the adult self and child self in your dreams thing... I have no idea. Maybe it's like, rationalizing or something? I know how the feeling like a burden thing is. I have a very serious problem with that and usually choose to just do everything on my own no matter how much help I need. But the thing is, it's completely okay to ask for help. I'm sure your therapist just wants to help you get better. Same goes for everyone on here.

[Sannah]

Good work Focus! Can you call her back and tell her that you changed your mind and would like an appt. next week?

[Focus62]

I can't actually do that, I'd have to go to the office and ask her directly because it was her who offered and not the receptionist. I can't call because I don't have her number (it's a college campus that I do this through, so everything goes through the receptionist). I'm too much of a wuss to do that anyway. I am feeling better about it today though, I know I'll be okay for the next week, it's not that long... A little break can't be so bad, right? I think I was just feeling needy cause it was right after my session and its hard for me to ying-yang from being so close to someone for that hour and then having to leave...and struggling with the initial feelings of not wanting to leave. I'm sure by my next session, I'll be wanting it, but as of now, I'm going to relax and try not to think about it...