[Raindropvampire]

This is gonna be long and I apologize but some really big emotional stuff happened this weekend.

Ok in previous posts I've talked about how angry I am with my mom. I found out that my uncle abused her too and yet she still left me alone with him all the time. This has caused me a GREAT GREAT deal of anger and resentment towards her. I mean just her physical, emotional and mental abuse was stuck in my craw but to find out that she'd send me over to her abuser's house for a week or two weeks at a time just... There is not a word that has been invented yet to describe the anger and hate that filled my entire being when I found out.

Well this weekend we had a huge fight. She got in my face and balled her fists up like she was going to hit me. She started screaming about how ungrateful I was. How she was my mom but all I ever did was treat her with indifference and disrespect and she was fed up and tired of it. She demanded to know what she had done to deserve this treatment. (oh yeah she went there ) I looked at her and said you really want to do this? You really want to know? Are you truly so obtuse that you have no idea? So I told her to look at her hands. I listed every bruise, cut, broken nose, split lip, black eye and every other injury those hands had ever caused me. All the times she slammed my head into crap. Every time I went to give her a hug and she pushed me away. Sometimes so hard I'd hit the ground and skid across the carpet getting rug burn. All the names she'd called me. I listed every time she'd told me she'd wished I'd been another miscarriage and how I'd ruined her life. Every horrible thing she'd ever said that is etched in my heart and mind. All the times she was manic and drug me out of bed at 2 3 4 am when I had to go to school but I had to get up because she wanted to play with me. She wanted to play hide and seek or go for a drive and talk. I had to keep her company and entertain her. And the anger and abuse that would entail if I balked at all or dared say no I want to sleep I have school. How she used to leave me alone at the drop of a hat with any neighbor that was available. How because of that by the time I was 8 I'd been sexually abused by about 15 people. I screamed I yelled I cried for 2 hours I listed every grievance I've ever had but just couldn't mention my uncle. So I came through the backdoor of the issue. I told her I was also angry she hadn't protected my Aunt D from their brother. That she was 13 years older and it was up to her to protect her little sister. Yet she did nothing and that her baby sister went through years of the same abuse she went through because she didn't care enough to do anything. She slapped me in the face and told me to take that back that her sister hadn't gone through that. I called my aunt and put it on speaker phone and had her tell my mom what she went through. I apologized to my aunt for putting her in the middle of this and sharing her business. My aunt was ok and asked if she could come over so we could all talk. So my mom and I settled into a very tense silence until my aunt got there.

Aunt D gets there tells mom everything that happened to her and tells her that it's why they don't have a good relationship because she blames her. My mom was really quiet then just broke down sobbing. Took about 30 minutes before she could actually talk again and said she thought it was just her. Apparently my mom's uncle molested her and she told my grandmother. My grandmother told her she was a ***** and asked for it. That guys don't do that type of stuff to girls that don't want it and that she was just a bad girl and was going to hell. She tried once more to say something when her brother started molesting her but my grandma cut her off and told her that guys were always gonna be that way with her because she was a ***** and had something wrong with her that made guys act like that. So my mom never said anything to my grandma again about what anyone did to her. And she said it never occurred to her that he would molest anyone else. She thought it was just her. That there was something wrong with her that caused him to do that and that he'd never do anything like that to anyone else. She said that at night she'd scoot her furniture up against her door to try to keep him out and that even when he kicked her door open no one ever came to help her. She said they had to hear the noise but didn't care because it was her fault. That something was bad inside her and she caused these horrible things to happen.

My aunt and I were floored. We both have spent so much of our lives angry with her and she was just as hurt as we were. Maybe even hurt more in some ways because of what she's believed all these years. I know my grandma and her temper. Plus she had bipolar and a thyroid condition and other mental health problems. I can totally see my grandma telling my mom that. My aunt and I told her you do know that's not true. You didn't cause it it wasn't something wrong with you or something bad inside you. We all cried we all talked we all hugged. I still couldn't bring myself to tell her that he molested me but it's not from anger now. I'm still ticked and confused but I almost feel like a weight has been lifted off me. My mom has held onto and believed what my grandma told her for over 50 years. If I can't cut her some slack for that and forgive her at least some what's that say about me? I jsut feel so sad for her that she's thought that about herself her entire life. No wonder she was always so angry. It doesn't excuse her behavior but at least it explains it. I have a reason why now after all these years. I have a reason. I don't know why it matters so much but it does. I almost feel peaceful.

[LostMom3]

I am sorry that you had to go through all those emotions and the big fight. I am sorry that the abuse ever even happened to you. I am glad that all 3 of you were able to talk and now you and your Aunt know why things happened the way they did. Maybe it will help with some of the anger that you feel.

[Sannah]

Very good work RDV for doing all that communicating. I'm so sorry for all the things that happened to you and your aunt and mom.

I'm so sorry It sounds like, though very stressful, the family talk was good.

When I read sad stories like this, it really stuns me. When I think of guys like this, there is an indescribable rage stored inside me for the day I come across someone like them.

These abusers are the biggest panzies in the world. I was only verbally abused as a child and cannot imagine what you must have gone through.

I am so sorry all this happened to you and your family

[roads]

What an intensive emotional workout. You have been able to realize, I guess, that your mom did pretty much the best she could--given the context of "facts" on which she developed her beliefs.

Of course it matters, it matters enormously. The mother--daughter bond is designed in nature to be a basis of our trust & support system. Without that, the rest of our lives never quite "fit" snuggly. I know--from similar mom issues.

Accept the gift, and rejoice that your mom and aunt are still alive. You are strong and wise & inclined to forgive ... you may find much healing yet, the three of you together.

Roadie

[Raindropvampire]

Roadie I understand. I am incapable of complete trust. It just isn't in me and I think it's because I couldn't trust my mom. I just wish she'd told me all this years ago. Well told me and my aunt. We needed to know. What's really weird is how empty I feel right now and numb. It's like all that anger and hate has been who I was for so long I don't know what I am right now. I definitely feel better just a little lost I guess.