What can I do to help him?

My boyfriend and I talk about just about everything together. Childhood, family problems etc etc. but a little under a month ago he hit me with something I didn't expect at all, or really know how to help with.
He told me that he had to tell me something when he stayed over on the weekend, and as we lay in bed Saturday night he told me that his older brother had raped him when they were younger. He cried for almost an hour, and I couldn't help but cry with him, I held him but I couldn't believe that this was real. He told me that he hadn't told anyone before, and I was so shocked that he'd kept that pain and hurt within himself for so long (it happened atleast 10 years ago). He then made me promise I wouldn't tell his family, or anyone (but I'm writing here because I really need advice, I don't know what to do). He said to me that he wished I could "take it all away". I have no clue how I could do that, I do wish it could have never happened, but I feel as though I can do very little now to "take it away", given that it has happened. But I do want to stop his pain, however I can.
Things were okay, but last week he broke down. He said to me that, since telling me, he'd been having flashbacks and nightmares.

I feel like I'm of such little help to him, I would do anything, but I don't know what I should be doing for him.
What can I do for him? Please help me, I don't know what I can do to stop the one I love from feeling so hurt.

Hi there. I hope I can help.

Firstly, please let me say that I am so sorry this happened to him...no one deserves that, and to have it happen from someone he is supposed to be able to love and trust. It's heart wrenching that things like this even exist.

In regards to you and him, there are some things that have to be understood. Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could give you a way to do it, there's nothing that can "take it all away." You can help him, and you can support him (which I will be getting back to), but scars like this, while they do heal, never fully fade. For what he's feeling, I would highly recommend that he see a therapist that can help him sort through what he's feeling.

However, there is another side to this. For him to confide in you, after silence for a decade, means he trusts you fully, and in you, he sees comfort and support. In you, he finds security. You can't make this magically disappear, but your simply being there for him, to listen as he needs it, and to comfort him as he needs it. The very best thing you can do for him is be you for him, and know that no matter his past, you love him, and that you are there for him. I would encourage you to encourage him to seek a therapist, but barring that, just be there for him. That, ultimately, is the best that you alone can do. He should also understand that what happened is in no way his fault, and that it doesn't hurt your perception of him or your feelings towards him. That, in regards to you and him, is what ultimately matters.

As far as he goes long term, I really can't stress enough that a therapist is the best way to go. He's going to naturally have a lot of feelings that he's going to need professional help to sort through. I know that telling something like this to a relative stranger is going to be hard...but it's the best thing he can hope to do in regards to this.

For now, being there for him is all the difference in the world to him...I think his confiding in you means he thinks you have the power to make it "okay." Odd as it sounds, that doesn't really require a "power" of any sort...it only means you be you. I think he shouldn't worry about that...given the level of concern you show for him by simply being on this site on his behalf and by your desire to help him, he's in good hands.

Please know I'm praying for you and him through this. If I can do anything at all for either of you, please don't hesitate for a moment to PM me.

My best, and God bless you both.
Harley

i'm sorry this happened to your boyfriend. it's a horrible thing to happen to anyone.

i'm going through something similar right now with my wife. i know how you feel. it's the worst feeling in the world to have someone that you love be in so much pain and know that you can't stop it or "take it all away". it sucks to feel so helpless.

harley is right....he needs to get into some sort of therapy to help sort it all out. if you're like me....you're lost. a therapist has the skills and training to help him work through it. the best thing you can do is be there for him and support him through it.

i'm struggling with all this in a major way myself. i'm supposed to be my wife's protector, but i can't protect her from the memories and the demons of the past. and i can't fix it for her...as much as i wish i could. so far, all i've figured out that i can do...is be there. be there to comfort her.....be there to make her feel safe.....be there to tell her it wasn't her fault.....be there to let her know it's going to be ok.....be there to support her through therapy.....be there to listen when she wants to talk......be there to show her i love her no matter what....and letting her know that i am always going to be there when she needs me.

i don't know if this helps at all, but we're kinda just at the beginning of this ourselves and it's all i've learned or figured out so far.

you are both in my thoughts,

gman

you did exactly what you were supposed to do... you held him, let him tell you what happened (being able to tell in a safe environment and to someone who can be trusted and safe, and also having a witness to trauma is more healing then anything else in the world)

you cant stop his pain any more than if you go through some sort of trauma he would not be able to stop what you are feeling. feelings like what he is and will be going through just are what they are and no one can stop a person from feeling anything they are feeling whether its a feeling of happiness, excitement or depression, sadness or any other painful emotion. Human beings have the type of brain that separates them from other species, one of those qualities is that the human brain processes and leads a person to take in information from their senses and form opinions, feelings and memories from what the senses are exposed to. the human brain also comes with automatic system for expressing emotions like pain anxiety, happiness what ever the emotion.

for some people this means they cry, laugh, squeel, scream, for others it means they sit quietly letting their self feel what ever emotion it is and for others they find creative or negative, abusive ways to express what they are feeling. your guy happens to be a crier when it comes to dealing with past trauma's. you will just have to get used to the fact that he has a right to what ever he is feeling and has a right to express what he is feeling even if it causes you to cry right along with him. let him be who he is and process this how ever he needs to as long as he's not being a danger to himself and others. if that should happen you may need to consider being the one to get him the inpatient help he would need like others that are a danger to their self and others.

right now all you can do is sit back, be there if he wants to talk with you, cry with you or how ever else he need that will help him express all the feelings and memories of what happened to him.

Thank you for writing! I am so sorry for what had happened to your wife. It helps to know that I am doing the right thing, in ways, by comforting him and being there and showing my love no matter what. But I do need to talk to him about soem kind of professional help.. but I don't know how he will react to that, knowing that he had to build up so much trust just to finally speak about it... I can't imagine it will be easy for him to tell a therapist, but it would be helpful.

Thanks again for sharing, and giving me some advice also

I cannot thank you enough for writing, it means so much that you have offered this much advice to me. Thank you so much.

thank you thank you thank you!

UPDATE: I spoke to my boyfriend this weekend about seeing a therapist, and he was hesitant but he did say that he had thought about it too, but was afraid the therapist would tell his parents or pressure him to discipline his brother in some way for what he'd done. He said that if he did go, he would want me to be there with him at all times and that he would not be able to talk openly with the therapist until he knew things were okay, so he suggested that I explain what had happened and speak on his behalf for some of the first meetings.

My question is, Is this sort of thing allowed? Do therapists allow people to come along with their patient and speak for them? I'm sorry if this is a question with an obvious answer, but I've never been to therapy before and know very little about it..

I don't know if the laws governing medicine in Australia would prevent it, but I know it doesn't in the US, and I can't think of a reason why it'd be prevented. I also don't think that he has anything to fear about his family being told. I didn't read the full letter of the law, but there are laws in place on your end that uphold patient confidentiality. His doctor would be under legal obligation to keep it between you three, assuming you are there.

I would highly doubt that he would be encouraged to confront his brother, but I do know a common technique is to write a letter to an abuser, describing how their actions have affected your life in the present. That letter is NOT sent, only written and reflected upon. That is the closest thing I can imagine to a confrontation.

I do hope he will begin therapy. He's in good hands with you, and I don't think he'll have a thing to worry about once he acclimates to the therapy.

My best to you both,
Harley

if it's what he is willing to do....and you agree....and a therapist agrees....i think it's worth a shot. i think if he is already thinking about therapy....this might be the step he needs to get help to ease his pain. he already trust you, you can help him trust a therapist.

i go to couples therapy with my wife....and i have gone with her several times to her therapy sessions. i can't speak for her....if i could i would. sometimes she asks me to go because she is already having a bad day and needs extra encouragement...support...a shoulder to cry on. sometimes it's because there is something that she thinks i need to know. personally, i don't like going....it's very hard on me. to see my wife going through this period is very hard....but i love her and will do whatever she needs to get through this.

i think you are doing a great job of showing that you love and support him. one piece of advice that i can give you....remember to take care of yourself too.

you are both in my thoughts

gman