[geez]

FYI... I am in an outpatient program which is helping me deal with my depression/anxiety and all that entails. Today I had a plan for dealing with a visit with my parents if they said anything unsupportive since I've had my breakdown. We had dinner tonight.....

With the visit of my parents thankfully there weren't any 'should have's', or 'shouldn't haves' in the conversations with them in relation to my illness. There were some competitive undertones with my brother about 'what he knows about my situation' and mental illness. - he's the big man on campus or arm chair MD telling his big sister the ways of the world.

The conversation between my brother and I gravitated towards our fears as parents and protecting our children... especially on the subject of molestation and being aware of coaches, cubscout leaders and priests etc.... My mother was sitting at the table too at the time.

I reminded my mom of a situation when I was around the age of 13 when a priest at our church was asking me a lot of questions about my brother who happened to be an alter boy (I did volunteer work for the church as a young teen and the priest gave me a ride home one day after I finished my volunteer work). I remember when I was a teen I told my my mom I thought is was funny that this priest was so interested in my brother. I also remember some years later my mom brought up the subject of how I told her about it........ Fast forward to today and when I brought up the subject of my experience with that priest and his questioning of my brother she said "I didn't know that priest was asking you questions about your brother?!". My mom looked at me and said it was the first she ever heard of it. I told her that I know one of the alter boys that I went to school with was abused by this priest because she told me about it and the case was settled out of court. I have memories of seeing my classmate at the alter during mass and I feel sad for him as he was abused.

OR

Did I make this who'll thing up???? My mom says she has no memory of any of the conversations between me or her and no knowledge/recollection of the abuse that happened with this alter boy. Earlier this year she also said she had no recollection of me even telling her about my sexual abuse as a child by a neighbor ... I told her about it for the first time 7 years ago when I was pregnant and when I brought up the subject again earlier this year she told me she never new that and wondered why I never told her.

REALLY???? AM I GOING CRAZY?????? IS MY MEMORY ALL 'MADE UP'???

I feel completely invalidated and or crazy! If I did make this up in my mind (not saying I did) why would I do that or why would my mind do that????

I'm feeling my moms lack of memory ads insult to injury for the fact that she never protected me. I feel so invalidated and so 'crazy'. What does this make of me?

[Focus62]

You're not crazy ((geez)). Denial is very powerful, sounds like your mom has got it down pat. You know what's happened and you are doing the right things in trying to take care and heal yourself now. Don't let her make you feel "crazy." I'm sorry she is invalidating you like this, my parents have done the same thing and have told me that I "let" the abuse happen. She does not want to own any responsibility for this occurring and sometimes that's just how they're going to act about it for the rest of their lives. It makes them uncomfortable and deep down inside they probably feel extreme guilt for letting it go on, but they find it easier to push the blame back on you or someone else. She has her own sickness.

I have so much admiration for you ((geez)) and all you have gone through/are going through. I hope you find lots of healing soon. Gentle hugs

[Sannah]

Geez, it isn't you, it's her! I experienced some pretty crazy things coming out of my mom's mouth too as an adult. She would say that something happened (about something that she did that would make her a good parent) and it didn't happen! With my mom, she doesn't see reality, she interprets reality to meet her needs.

If your mom has problems remembering discussions about sexual abuse I'm wondering if she was sexually abused? Woman who were sexually abused and never healed and are still in denial about it, deny their own children's abuse. For them to address their children's abuse, they would have to address their own and they "can't" go there. This is the classic reason why some children don't get protected and I'll bet that abusers know this.

[unaluna]

One, people remember things and forget things at different ages. So she may remember things from her own childhood right now but forget things from yours. Two, my mother paid attention to my brother but not to me. Was that going on? She pretended and fooled me back then, but lately she has been telling me more of the truth.

[Little Me]

Thanks for sharing. Too tired to say much more. Thinking about you geez.