Why i have a hard time trusting fully

i've always been angry with my parents, PARTICULARLY my mom. her and my father are and always have been abusive,
they have threatend to break all my toys and threatend to kill my cat. they have hit my head numerous times. And if i try to duck that, they grab me by my hair and shake me around/ hit my head into a wall, call me things like idiot, stupid, worthless,(ect) sometimes i didnt even make it to school because they had left me at the side of some road or highway after kicking me out of the car. my mom has nearly strangled me..shes punched me in my stumach shes pushed me, called me cuss words and such.they often played favorites with my brother too, like on a long trip going into a gas station getting him a snack and a drink but getting me nothing (they pulled that ALOT) anytime something goes wrong like something gets broken, ive always been blamed for it...theyd often hit me and tell me to stop being a baby when i was little and scared/hurt...or if i started crying when mom was hitting me shed yell at me to "stop playing damsel in distress"....i never really told anyone like my freinds told me too because my mom said theyd come and take me away then and was always saying how much worse off id be at a foster home, how i have it so much better here, when i was still liveing with my parents about the only time i was alloud to leave my room was to eat or go to the bathroom, its not like i had nothing to do theyd buy me nearly anything i wanted, but...i dont exactly think thats right...i dont think parents should make you feel worthless and stupid, or hurt you (sometimes for NO APPARENT REASON)i often DREADED comeing home, school wasnt much better, but if i was at a freinds or another person in our family..it was really hard haveing to go back.i have my own place now and my mom will often invite herself in (my mom is really bad about bargeing into the bathroom or my bedroom..i like my doors locked shes always picked them) shes still doing the same **** she always has,
they call me worthless stupid,freak how much of a pain i am, how they wished i would have died

is any of that ok?..she claims its not abuse im being overdramatic, that i should quit being a ungratefull *****.

i just dont think its right. . .

i struggled with alot of abusive teachers,

bulling at school being teased made fun of me, punched me in my stumach so hard i gagged blood beat me unconsis, i dont know what im getting at...
...

am i the bad guy in this like they like to play me off as,

hell i dont know

Hi Gemini, welcome to PC. I'm so sorry that all of that happened to you. It wasn't okay. Your mom sounds terribly abusive. Do you have a therapist?

not really, i have a hard time trusting theripists considering im afraid, they might lock me up in a mental hospital (dont feel at all ok in my head always...kinda scare myself sometimes ^^')

What your mother did to you truely was abuse. You have Asbergers? Well, she probably didn't understand how to raise you, that can happen with children that are challenged by that disorder.

I would suggest you find a therapist that specializes in working with patients that have Asbergers. You are not going to be put away, you can learn how to overcome and that you have challenges, but that doesn't mean you can't learn to thrive and do well in life.

honestly any disorder i have they didnt really understand.stop allowing them excusses, and therapy is out of the question im sorry, im already in it (kind of) but i dont really talk, hell i dont really trust them enough too

I can understand you feeling that way, it sounds like you have no "yet" been able to trust and have been misunderstood or mistreated too much.

Unfortunately a lot of people who have disorders or learning disabilities are very miunderstood, and often even mistreated, even suffer abuse because of their challenges. Fortunately we have gained some ground in studying several of these challenges and are now making efforts to help those that struggle in some way.

I wish they knew what they know now back when I was growing up. My brother was very challenged and constantly abused because of it which he took out on me all my childhood, which developed PTSD in my brain. So, I was very misunderstood as well.
Oh if they just knew, my brother's life would have been different and my life would have been so different as well.

When we seek help we are including ourselves in allowing others to learn about us and help us, and it takes time to find the right kind of help. But when others do learn about our challenges, they can learn how to help others that suffer as we do as well.
And, that is how we have the knowlege was have today.

So if you can find your way to opening up and talking, then maybe "knowlege" will be gained. They have learned a lot about Asbergers and other disorders and there is more help now then there has been.

My nephew has Asbergers and bipolar, he is a challenge to understand, but he "is" getting help and support, and his mother is also learning as well. I have a feeling that is similar to what my brother had that no one understood sadly. But now they are leaning all the time and trying, and children, even adults are beginning to benefit from that.

Just something to consider, what you do is up to you ofcourse.

Open Eyes