[Idler]

I'm new here. (Hello everyone) Signed up to ask a question and get some feedback.

Maybe a month ago, I told my fiance about some childhood abuse I experienced. I was very reluctant to tell her about it, as my previous experiences telling others have not always been positive.

Since I told her, I've been obsessing over her response. I have nobody else to discuss her response with, because nobody I currently know is aware of my abuse. Has anyone else gotten a response like this?

She was supportive, and told me some of the expected lines. But she also said (I think to comfort herself a little) that "I guess I can think of this like any other relationship you had before me." As a final note, she expressed gratitude that I hadn't gotten any diseases.

I understand that she was concerned about this. And maybe the issue of disease is legitimate, but it also was a little upsetting. Also, I've never thought of my abuse as a "relationship." It's very strange to hear someone frame it in that manner...

I'm not sure I can discuss these concerns with her, either, because she was very awkward about how she should respond. She was worried about whether she was "doing it right." Should I bring my concerns on her response up with her, or just let it be? I really don't want to upset her any more than I already have.... Maybe I'm making a mountain out of molehill here?

[liveforfish]

How long have you been together? News like that can be shocking and some people don't know how to respond.

We open ourselves up and hope for the "oh you poor thing, that must of been awful" response, but it doesn't always come.

Give her some time to adjust to the news.

[mazing]

First of all, well done on telling her. I know that it could not have been easy.

I would agree with liveforfish that she probably needs some time to adjust. From what you have said she didn't seem to want to hurt you but also wanted to say something supportive.

If it is still bothering you though in a few days/weeks I would suggest talking about it. Let her know that you understand she was being supportive and are grateful for her trying but also you felt _____. If possible also let her know what you need from her. For example, whether you are comfortable with her asking questions about it to understand more or if you will tell her when you are ready.

A lot of people really want to help and be supportive but aren't sure what to say or how to say it and often end up saying the wrong thing unintentionally or nothing at all. As hard as it is sometimes it is up to us to guide them in what we need so that they can be supportive.

[Idler]

Originally Posted by liveforfish

How long have you been together? News like that can be shocking and some people don't know how to respond.

We open ourselves up and hope for the "oh you poor thing, that must of been awful" response, but it doesn't always come.

Give her some time to adjust to the news.

Yea, I don't know what I expected. It was unfair for me to put that burden on her... we've been together for 4 years. I didn't tell her much, just the extreme basics.

[Leed]

Hi Idler -- That is a very STRANGE response to what you told her. I don't understand it at all.

I understand why you're upset. I think I would be too. I'm sure you were too taken "aback" to say "what do you mean by that?" That's what I would have said if my jaw hadn't fallen to the floor after she said that!!

Like the others said, give her a few days, and then ask her about it. I'd want to know what she meant by that.

Please take care of yourself -- try not to fret too much about it. God bless and let us know how things turn out. (((idler))) Lee

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Idler -- That is a very STRANGE response to what you told her. I don't understand it at all.

I understand why you're upset. I think I would be too. I'm sure you were too taken "aback" to say "what do you mean by that?" That's what I would have said if my jaw hadn't fallen to the floor after she said that!!

Like the others said, give her a few days, and then ask her about it. I'd want to know what she meant by that.

Please take care of yourself -- try not to fret too much about it. God bless and let us know how things turn out. (((idler))) Lee

[Open Eyes]

I understand that the response seem strange, but the average person doesn't know how to respond to something like that.

It sounds like she was just trying to say, whatever happened in your life before her, is not something you should feel bad about. She was trying to say, it was ok by her. She doesn't understand the "gravity" of what you were telling her.

Unless someone understands the psychological challenge of being a "victim" is, they don't think about it or respond appropriately.

Open Eyes

[Butterflies Are Free]

I would ask her to go with you to a session with your therapist, if you have one. If not, I would consider finding one to help you through this. What you went through was abuse, not a relationship. I think that having someone to talk to would really help.

[Idler]

Thank you for the responses everyone. I don't think I'm going to make an issue of it anytime soon. Life beckons, I suppose.