[A Boring Individual]

Okay, so my boyfriend has a way of joking around. He acts really, really angry in a joking way. These things are never directed toward me, but whatever happens to be the subject that annoyed him; usually something silly he saw in the news or online. Still, whenever he does this, I get physically ill. I mean, I start to panic and cry and I have to leave the room to calm down.

I was a victim of verbal and physical abuse. I don't know why this happens, but he gets annoyed with me when I react this way. He says that he's disgusted that I could even compare him to someone who abused me, considering how well he treats me. I can't make him understand that it's not him, that it's me and how I react. It's caused a bit of a rift in our relationship, I'm afraid.

Has anyone else gone through this? I have no idea how to handle it.

[shortandcute]

Well, in a way I do. When my oldest sister starts whining about how everyone is mistreating her, I get headaches and my anxiety acts up. There's a lady that I know that suffers from severe PTSD. She is a very kindhearted person and very sweet, but she easily feels threatened and then goes off the deep end-becomes very loud, etc. I have a hard time around because of that--I feel scared and intimidated. I could use other examples of my life, but it would take too long. But, yeah, I know what you mean. I'm not sure how to handle it either.

[ArthurDent]

I'd tell him plainly...Whether or not he "thinks" it should bother you, the fact of the matter is that it does bother you. If he cares about you, he should be compassionate enough not to act like that around you.

Him understanding why it bothers you is a non-issue. He only needs to accept that it DOES bother you, so he should stop.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

yes, I can relate. I feel sick and paralzyed when my husband rages near me, even if I'm not the target.

[Sannah]

Sounds like you are being triggered. You can work through this by telling yourself in that moment that your fear is coming from the past and not the present. You also need to work it from the other end by working through your past abuse in therapy.

[A Boring Individual]

Originally Posted by ArthurDent

I'd tell him plainly...Whether or not he "thinks" it should bother you, the fact of the matter is that it does bother you. If he cares about you, he should be compassionate enough not to act like that around you.

Him understanding why it bothers you is a non-issue. He only needs to accept that it DOES bother you, so he should stop.

Thank you so much for this comment. We've since had a talk about it and he's toned it down quite a bit and I haven't had a freak out over it since, either. Sadly, I can't help but to feel like I'm. . . Hindering him in some way. So, I've been feeling guilty about it. He hasn't expressed feeling this way, but I guess I'm just being paranoid. :P

Originally Posted by Sannah

Sounds like you are being triggered. You can work through this by telling yourself in that moment that your fear is coming from the past and not the present. You also need to work it from the other end by working through your past abuse in therapy.

Yeah, that sounds about right. I feel like I know that deep down, but in the moment it's hard to tell yourself that. It's like a physical reaction, more so than a mental one. It's weird. Thanks so much for the advice.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by A Boring Individual

I feel like I know that deep down, but in the moment it's hard to tell yourself that. It's like a physical reaction, more so than a mental one.

Exactly, it is so physical. Your body is reacting to the way that your nervous system got wired. By telling yourself in that moment, however, that it is coming from the past and not the present, you are beginning the rewiring. It takes repeating the self talk over and over again but it gradually does work. It took me doing the self talk several times for some non traumatic triggers to extinguish them.