[ladytiger]

hi everyone, thought id give an update. ive been seeing my therapist for almost 6 mos and we had butt heads about my issue which some of the thing she says i do not agree with. i started attending a surviving abuse workshop last month which has been helpful. the best in person support group i have ever been to and nobody judges which is great!

the workshop focuses on domestic violence abuse and im the only one with the child abuse issue in the group. they have given us packets of info to read and help us practice this stuff. i am using that in correlataion with my therapy session. my therapist has gotten to other deep rooted issues within me and may find another deep rooted issue with this assignment she is having me to do.

we talked about forgiving which doesnt relate to me. i told her forgiveness is not something that was taught in my family as it doesnt exist. she had me to write down with bullet points of people forgiving me and what did it look like then bring it in this wed morning. i did do some reading on forgiving and read the steps to do it. i completed 3 of the steps but one step said not to dwell on the past and be angry about it do "kindness" towards the one who did u wrong.

im not the kind of person who does kindness to anyone who did me wrong. other conversations i had with ppl on forgiveness was they didnt forgive i asked what do u mean? these people told me they didnt forgive they did other things with their time not denying what had happen to them. i guess they didnt dwell on the past but made their own lives better if that makes any sense.

my therapist told me if u dont forgive u wont be able to move and that i can learn to forgive my parents while still living with them. i told her many ppl have told me i would have a clearer mind than i would being at home and can forgive from a distance. she disagreed with what others have told me. she and my social worker know that i am still looking for work which is not easy with a huge gap and a degree. my social worker advise me not to volunteer since u need an income to meet goals that ur trying to accomplish.

not dwelling isnt easy for me but i have just been comparing forgiveness from what she told me and what others told me about and how they moved on without forgiveness. i dont know i think it is confusing to me. so, other than that, the workshop i go to is really great. my therapist feels she may not be able to help me anymore because i am so adamant on forgiving my parents. i told her i dont know if my brother forgave our dad or not but he doesnt dwell on it.

i have done everything she has asked me to do when working on myself. i would say i am making progress but still have issues deep within me....

[Sannah]

I don't agree with her view. I think that forgiveness frequently comes after doing other healing work. It is hard to forgive when you have a gaping wound. After you heal up your wound a bit it can be easier to forgive.

[ladytiger]

i did ask my therapist how do u want me to forgive while still living at home where the hostile environment is? my bf agrees with my therapist on forgiving while at home idk i just dont see it. i mean i am also doing my own research on forgiving and like i said just very confused on it.

[Lauru]

I don't know if your T is right or not. All I know is that I will NEVER forgive the people who abused me. NEVER. Maybe that's why I am still struggling after all these years. But honestly, if choosing to not forgive meant I would go to hell and forgiving would mean I would go to heaven, then I would choose going to hell. But, like Sannah said, I have huge gaping wounds over the abuse. Maybe I will feel different later, idk.

[ladytiger]

also, forgiveness has steps and it is not an overnight process. i thought the other day, how does an abused wife forgive her abusive hubby while still living in the same household? she has to constantly worry about him hitting her for every lil thing that goes wrong.

i have read and watched many stories of people who were abused/mistreated, they left the situation and then were able to forgive that's how i feel if i was able to do that. i feel i would be able to start a real healing journey away from my emotionally abusive parents.

i have heard/read many different things on forgiveness and told my therapist i dont think we as people know how to truly forgive. honestly, the hate/bitterness is eating me inside towards my parents and i can feel it in my heart every time i mention them or someone asks me about them.

[Sannah]

Are they still abusive towards you?

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are they still abusive towards you?

yea they r. however, i dont have anywhere to go and no job. u cant move in with someone with no job and they wouldnt do a bargain anyway u do this and ill do this for the house as rent. there are no resources for me at all this surviving abuse workshop will give out resources next tues for those who are in domestic violence (ones who had abusive husbands/boyfriends doesnt pertain to me).

[Sannah]

So your T wants you to forgive people who are still abusing you?

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So your T wants you to forgive people who are still abusing you?

yea basically. i just went to the surviving abuse workshop earlier today which was great. i reintroduce myself, spoke about my issue, and updated everybody of whats going on. i mentioned forgiveness and the faciliator spoke about it saying forgiveness is done on ur terms and there are things that r just unforgiveable.

the ppl who hurt us deeply and badly is not something forgiveable. i asked in there how does an abused wife forgive her hubby while she is being hit daily? all the women said she cant that is not practical. i was asked is my therapist aware of domestic violence? i said yea she is.

i admit the resentment is eating me up i just hated how i and my siblings were treated growing up. they told me today that i just need to be civil towards them and put my energy into better things like my job hunting and spending time with my bf.

i told them my therapist thinks u can forgive while living there looking at them daily which will still bring up resent and the group said i dont agree at all. forgiving is better when ur far far away from the person.

[Sannah]

I so agree with this group! Good work on talking about this with them.

[hiding_in_my_room]

Sometimes forgiveness is not what is needed. Instead of forgiving the unforgivable, maybe you can learn to see your parents in a different light. Look at the adverse ways your life experiences have affected you. You may do or feel things you wish you didn't. Sometimes we all feel "messed up".
Have you wondered what secrets your parents may have? What caused them to be the way they are? How do people become so insensitive? Maybe they have had experiences you will never understand, just as they not may understand yours.
Not that you need to learn to have sympathy for them, but a fresh perspective is always helpful.
these, of course are only my own thoughts...
good luck to you and stay strong!

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by hiding_in_my_room

Sometimes forgiveness is not what is needed. Instead of forgiving the unforgivable, maybe you can learn to see your parents in a different light. Look at the adverse ways your life experiences have affected you. You may do or feel things you wish you didn't. Sometimes we all feel "messed up".
Have you wondered what secrets your parents may have? What caused them to be the way they are? How do people become so insensitive? Maybe they have had experiences you will never understand, just as they not may understand yours.
Not that you need to learn to have sympathy for them, but a fresh perspective is always helpful.
these, of course are only my own thoughts...
good luck to you and stay strong!

of course, they have many secrets that we will never know and we don't care about. i already know why they are this way and like i said many times, it doesnt change the fact that they still mistreated and used their own kids in a selfish manner(they still do today) period end of sentence. my parents dont care to understand our issues thats been made clear. we both (parents and my siblings) made it clear that we dont care what one person does and doesnt do.

my sisters dont give a **** whatsoever it has nothing to do with them anymore. well, i had my therapy session today. we were talking about forgiveness she said we need to work on the anger issue and therapsit said i am not quite done being angry. she gave me this piece of paper to work on and write out these statements.

also, both sides of the family are secretive and sorry good for nothing people.

[hiding_in_my_room]

of course. It was not my intention to intrude on your story or offend you. Please let me know if i am out of line. This is all very new to me and I truly mean no harm
I myself am not in the forgiving business, either. I have no need to forgive my dad. He was a sack of ****, regardless of where he came from or has experienced.

And though i may never forgive him, that doesn't mean i will hold a grudge. The things i feel because of him are still my own feelings. Maybe they have messed me up, and i have a lot of work to do before i will be truly okay, but i am responsible for my own feelings.

I think it was Elanor Roosevelt that said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Now I am not saying that your feelings are wrong or invalid. And again I'm not suggesting you develop sympathy for your family, or that I am doing any better, but our healing tends to come in the form of new perspectives. When we think about things in the same way for long enough, we don't realize that its just our version of the truth. And while our version is valid, its still limited to what parts of it we choose to focus on. and we tend to focus on what parts hurt us, and then use those thoughts to keep hurting ourselves. But no one "wants" to hurt, which feels weak and vulnerable, so many of us turn to anger, which feels stronger and action oriented.

When we put the power into the hands of those who have hurt us, we are losing the power to help ourselves. We keep giving our parents power over us, just as they have taken it from us, by keeping them there in place in our minds and hearts. We say they did (or do) this or that to me, and made (or make) me feel this way or be this way. In a way we are relieving ourselves of the responsibility, by being the victim. But of course, we ARE the victims.

So how does a victim stop acting like a victim? By forgiving? By forgetting? By letting go of anger? By being positive and knowing that there are sunshine and rainbows just around the corner, and our parents really mean well? probably not.

Maybe we can learn to see that we have a choice in the way we feel. Maybe we can tell these ***holes (in our minds, probably) that we wont use their hurtful deeds to hurt ourselves anymore. They can only keep hurting us (inside) if we let them. Of course it always seems more complicated than that, and is "easier said than done".... but i believe we have the power, though we tend to give it away.

I hope that makes and means even a little bit of something to you. I really really hope i haven't gone too far or sounded preachy or in anyway offended you or anyone else in the forum. I hope someone will straighten me out if i have.

I really, truly wish you the best.

Stay strong.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by hiding_in_my_room

of course. It was not my intention to intrude on your story or offend you. Please let me know if i am out of line. This is all very new to me and I truly mean no harm
I myself am not in the forgiving business, either. I have no need to forgive my dad. He was a sack of ****, regardless of where he came from or has experienced.

And though i may never forgive him, that doesn't mean i will hold a grudge. The things i feel because of him are still my own feelings. Maybe they have messed me up, and i have a lot of work to do before i will be truly okay, but i am responsible for my own feelings.

I think it was Elanor Roosevelt that said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Now I am not saying that your feelings are wrong or invalid. And again I'm not suggesting you develop sympathy for your family, or that I am doing any better, but our healing tends to come in the form of new perspectives. When we think about things in the same way for long enough, we don't realize that its just our version of the truth. And while our version is valid, its still limited to what parts of it we choose to focus on. and we tend to focus on what parts hurt us, and then use those thoughts to keep hurting ourselves. But no one "wants" to hurt, which feels weak and vulnerable, so many of us turn to anger, which feels stronger and action oriented.

When we put the power into the hands of those who have hurt us, we are losing the power to help ourselves. We keep giving our parents power over us, just as they have taken it from us, by keeping them there in place in our minds and hearts. We say they did (or do) this or that to me, and made (or make) me feel this way or be this way. In a way we are relieving ourselves of the responsibility, by being the victim. But of course, we ARE the victims.

So how does a victim stop acting like a victim? By forgiving? By forgetting? By letting go of anger? By being positive and knowing that there are sunshine and rainbows just around the corner, and our parents really mean well? probably not.

Maybe we can learn to see that we have a choice in the way we feel. Maybe we can tell these ***holes (in our minds, probably) that we wont use their hurtful deeds to hurt ourselves anymore. They can only keep hurting us (inside) if we let them. Of course it always seems more complicated than that, and is "easier said than done".... but i believe we have the power, though we tend to give it away.

I hope that makes and means even a little bit of something to you. I really really hope i haven't gone too far or sounded preachy or in anyway offended you or anyone else in the forum. I hope someone will straighten me out if i have.

I really, truly wish you the best.

Stay strong.

i agree my therapist has told me this many times. i remember a time when ppl were victims ppl felt sorry for them and they couldnt do xyz because they were victims of xyz. later on in life, it got to the point in life where people told these victims to stop using their bad experience all the time and use the energy to do something good.

i saw this on a talk show a long time ago where a girl was raped and still didnt fully recovery. she used her rape as a clutch to not do anything and she had a group of people who felt sorry for her and baby her. the host on the show said she needed a backbone and needed professional help so she can live her life well without worry.