[hiding_in_my_room]

hello to all. This is my first time in any kind of forum. I dont know the ins and outs and faux pas so please correct or guide me as necessary.

That being said I truely admire the courage and honesty that i have seen in the little bit of reading I have done here. I look forward to becoming a part of this

So I have only recently realized the gravity of the things I have been dealing with all my life. I have been telling myself that once my step dad left i was all better and I moved on. Well now in my thirties I have this chronic numbness of soul and procrastination plagues everything I need to do. I am timid and non confrontational, sometimes anxious. Even around my dearest friends I am overly agreeable and often distant. The only time i can stand my ground is with my wife and kids, and I sometimes watch helplessly as i go too far. I have never hurt them, but i can be unfair and selfish.

a few months ago i had a sudden "trigger" that erupted all sorts of memories and memory fragments. not suppressed, though, these were things i have always remembered. I just never thought about them.... it was over. but i suddenly saw how they relate to my emotional and psychological issues. I have never been in therapy... no time or money. My childrens school counselor suggested i consider PTSD and seek help. Well this new honest look at my past really opened the flood gates and i totally broke down.

Since this is already such a lengthy post i will keep details to a minimum. My step dad was my dad. He came into the picture when i was four, and for my memorable life i called him dad. He was a huge, 6'3", long haired, tattooed, whiskey drinkin, coke dealin, uzi packin, biker that NOBODY messed with. On the couple occasions when my mom was able to dial 911, nobody came because they knew what they were up against. I was disciplined as one might expect, with a belt, though not beaten. roughed up a couple times, cracked on the head and such. Constant threats and insults. but he was a fun guy with a great sense of humor, too.

what i realized later, is that what got me the most was the things he did to my mom. He didnt understand "no". and he hurt her physically and emotionally. I saw so many things that i wish nobody else will ever see, though i know im not the only one. As a very young boy i knew things small children dont know. i have tastes of memories that i know i dont remember. not sure whats hiding in there...

So theres the beginning of my story. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. i plan on being an active member here and look forward to meeting and sharing with you.
Stay strong

[MudCrab]

Welcome, hiding_in_my_room. So sorry you and your mother were in a controlling and abusive relationship.

How do you know you have not hurt your wife and kids? Someone talked to the school counselor?

Abuse Help Guide
http://www.helpguide.org/topics/abuse.htm
What 5 Unhealthy Relationship Warning Signs Could Save Your Life?
http://teen-advice.yoexpert.com/dati...uld-30822.html

Finding Low-Cost Psychotherapy
NAMI Helpline

It is not my intention to judge you. My first memory is of my Dad beating my Mom. My concern is that you consider professional help to eliminate to the extent possible a repeat of what you and your mother experienced. Call NAMI to see if they might help you find treatment you can afford.

Being strong is good. Being honest with yourself is too.

Good luck.

[Open Eyes]

(((hiding_in_my_room))),

Welcome to PC, I am very sorry that you were exposed to so much "disfunction" growing up.

Your response to that environment was normal, we tend to think we "just survive" somehow and do our best to grow up and live our lives. Most people think that they are who they are and they do not truely realize that who they are has a lot to do with the environment they grew up in.

Often what happens to many of the people that grow up with disfunction and abuse is that at some point in their lives, life becomes unmanagable or something can happen that can affect that person so much that they somehow "feel very broken down and confused". When that happens they feel very "vulnerable" and begin to want to "isolate" away from others.

What you are discribing is this first stage of what we call "PTSD". And the common response to that is alot of confusion and a constant feeling of how no one could possibly understand the "depths of what this means".

However, that is wrong, the truth is that there "are" people that understand it, and are even working with many people that experience this problem. And while it is a challenge and will be very confusing for you, you "can" actually learn how to understand it better and then begin to "finally learn how to heal".

You will need "help" with this, it is too complicated to work through and understand on your own. You have to understand that "this is not your fault" and that with time and patience you can finally understand yourself in a much better way. However, this process does take time, and it is often "very confusing" and can present you with feeling overwhelmed and as if you are some kind of "big failure". You "can" most definitly learn that these feelings are what "all people that have PTSD feel" and that no matter what is in your past that you had to learn to "adapt" to in strange ways, you can finally learn to "understand", overcome, and adapt better life skills" inspite of whatever "unhealthy" ways you did adapt.

As someone who has been working through PTSD myself, I can tell you this is a difficult healing process. However, the most important thing you need to remember is that "you" are not at fault for the ways you adapted. You have to make sure to set aside a very strong part of yourself that is willing to learn and help "the you that was a victim so long ago, which was unfair to you inspite of the emotional rollercoaster working through PTSD presents".

There is "alot of support" for people who struggle with PTSD, you are truely "not as alone as you think". It is important that you make the effort to provide yourself with access to the people that "can" be supportive, it makes the journey in healing more bearable and allows you to have a sense of "safety" and "connection" that you will need to help you slowly "work through" your own personal "healing".

What I have noticed about "men" who struggle with PTSD is that they can have more "anger, not only at others who they feel are a threat somehow, but also tend to turn their anger "inward" more than women do. As a man it will be important that you "pay attention" to your own anger and take time to really think about "where that anger truely comes from". Men by nature tend to have a "fixer" mentality and they can easily get "frustrated" and "feel like failures" if they do not see an immediate "fix" for a "challenge". Men also have a more extreme desire for "justice" so they are more apt to "act out anger or rigid defenses then women do, something else to "remember" and develope "more patience with". Women tend to "self nurture" more and have a little more "patience" with their healing process. It is not unusual for a man to have more of a challenge with "listening" and not taking what they hear as "a personal attack" of some kind, or as if the other person is "talking down to them" or "is insulting them" in some way. Men are also more likely to have difficulty understanding that when they have "too many" thoughts/problems presenting all at once, that means they need to "slow down and distract their brains "away" from too many things at once. They often turn to is "alcohol" because they feel they have no other way to "relax" and get away from "too many problems to solve all at once".

By understanding how "men" react and normally feel they "need to respond" is important. By learning these, typical male reactions, you can understand that many of your reactions are only "magnified" typical male responses that you now need to learn how to "better and more productively" control. More "importantly" the typical "male" response to experienceing PTSD, is that they are somehow a "failure".
This thought pattern is "wrong" and is simply a result to "societal conditioning", in other words, dont allow yourself to "feed into that emotional response".
(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[hiding_in_my_room]

I greatly appreciate your insight, super poster. Though i am mostly aware of all of that on some level, It is amazing how easily it can be forgotten in the weight of the "day to day". I know that this anger is not my own. My harsh judgements are contrary to my true character. It is refreshing to think of my "problems" as typical responses.
I have always rebelled against labels. I reject "ADD". I deny "schizoid", "PTSD"... phooey.
But there are commonalities there that demonstrate different people reacting in the exact same ways to similar stimuli. I tend to think of myself as special, but not that "no one has been through this" or "no one would understand". I think I'm different in that I have such a deeper understanding. "I know my problems and I'll fix em.... eventually". I have made all these connections and figured these things out.
I am brilliant and talented and hard working. I am also unemployed and desperate, forgetful and lazy, bored and anxious, unfocussed and scared, angry with myself.
Thank you for helping me to see that maybe i cant just "march through this on my own". I have thought this before, but, *sigh*
I am close to self publishing my "memoir of a troubled childhood". It has been amazing to actually go back and relive things enough to write descriptively. i have been reliving these things and making connections i never would have otherwise realized. I think this book offers wonderful insight and perspective into the world and mind of the child, struggling through things too difficult to grasp. It touches on repression of memory and coping mechanisms, and the things that trouble young minds that really cant deal with whats happening.
I am realizing now just what a habit that has formed. I still cant seem to deal with whats happening. Even at my most secure I avoid all conflict at all costs. I am still hiding in my room.
My memoir is titled "How to Kill Your Dad, and other things little boys shouldn't be thinking about." It flows back and from gritty, real experiences, to insightful essays, and back to the real, more subtle experiences that have been affected by the surrounding trauma. It is an investigation into the whys and hows of both coping and not coping. it demonstrates how violence and emotional abuse dominate the shaping of children's lives, both directly and indirectly. I have much hope for this book, as i believe i have a strong voice and message that can and should be heard.
Thank you again, bodhisatva. the world needs more people like you.