[Feral_Cat_Lover]

I saw the doctor yesterday. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. She also said that I have many symptoms of the other panic disorders, but not quite enough to be officially diagnosed with any. I just show strong traits of many of them. Only if she knew...
Anyways, she said that given my history, I've had generalized anxiety disorder from childhood. Not sure why.
She said that my post traumatic stress disorder was triggered at the end of October. I was supposed to be driving six hours one way to pick up my sister's cat. I even turned down a pet sitting job because of planning on being out of town. Then all of the sudden, a day before I was supposed to leave, she told me no. So, I decided to cancel my trip. My parents got angry and INSISTED that we came anyways because my dad turned down work and lost $200 (I lost a $300 job!). About a week later, I found out that my mother was the reason that my sister changed her mind. My mother told my sister that if she gave me the cat, she would call animal control on the both of us (me for running a cat rescue-which she has a BIG problem with).
That's when my severe anxiety and panic attacks (especially at night) started.
I got put on Prozac and trazadone November 26. Two weeks later, I started feeling okay. More relaxed. My friends and family (aunt, husband) started prodding me on my anxiety. I've never had issues bad enough that I needed meds. This was completely out of the ordinary for me. That's when the flash backs started and the repressed memories came to the surface. Both my medical doctor and my psych doctor feel that the prozac relaxed me enough to confront my past.
My psych doctor and my therapist feel that my cat rescue runs deeper than what it is as face value. They said that my cat rescue is allowing me to rescue myself from my past. The cats represent me: unwanted, thrown out, abused, hurt or sick. As I nurture these cats physically and mentally, I am nurturing myself. As these cats become healthy and strong, I become healthy and strong. The cats, then, return the favor by nurturing me back.
My most recent addition to the rescue, my therapist feels is going to be one that I identify with the most because she is a miniature version of me in fur. We found her Sunday night. A coyote got her. Her paw was almost bitten off and she has scratches on her side. Yet, despite her pain, she is a strong cat. She is a lovable cat who cuddles, purrs, chirps and meows. She pushes herself both physically and mentally. She has a chunk of her paw missing, yet, she attempts to walk on her paw. Her recovery is going to be a long one.
My therapist said that most rescues would euthanize a cat like that. However, I identified with this cat. Despite not knowing how I'm going to pay for it (total vet bills are expected to be around $1600 or more), I feel a strong urge to help her.
So, this week has been a very eye opening week. Started meditation at night. Bought some lavender candles that I relax to. Trying to learn to calm my mind.

[Sannah]