[ThisWayOut]

but drinks make me bolder... I really need to talk to my old therapist about this, but I don't see her any more due to distance (she is 1500 miles away after my move)... I do not trust my current therapist to talk about my sexual abuse... and he is a guy... It was hard enough to agree to see a male therapist, forget about talking about intimate details with him (or even just details other than nodding when he brought up the topic of abuse)...
I don't know where to turn. I wish I did. I feel like I am totally alone in this right now... I hate it. I gloss over the topic with most, and I can't bring myself to acknowledge most of it, even to myself. I just feel isolated. I read a post a few minutes ago, and it brought everything rushing back., I had tried to reach out to a hotline tonight, but I felt like it was too much for the woman that answered the phone (she ended the conversation abruptly with some community resources). It just made everything that much harder. I know it's awful for me to think about. I'm sure it's hard for others to hear, and I understand their discomfort with the topic... but... "someone please help me?" are just not words that know how to escape my lips... and even if they did, I would not know what to follow them with.

I guess I'm just lost. How do you build trust all over again to work on crap with people you know you will not be seeing for too long (I know I will be moving back to my adult-home state in about a year)? How do you move forward when you desperately need to? I feel so vulnerable here where all the abuse happened, but I have no one to talk about it with. I'm miles from the people I trust to help keep me together. I'm terrified of this new way of dissociating because, while I am more aware in some respects, I have less control... it doesn't make sense... I just wish I could talk to my old t regularly and still see her in person. this move was my decision. my choice... but I cut myself off from my supports. I took most of the good away... and I'm just here floundering... I don't know who or how to ask for help... and the days go SO slowly... It's only Saturday night, and I don't see my new T again till wed... f***!!!!! (and here, we drink a lot. Most of the time it doesn't adversely effect me, because I know when I am more vulnerable I choose not to drink... but tonight the vulnerability crept in after I opened my beverage... overall it makes me feel better. I can't give up all my demons at once when I'm so surrounded by my past... please don't yell at me for it. I really know what I should be doing in regards to that aspect...).
Can it all just get better faster?!

[Travelinglady]

I wish situations like this one could just get over and done with quickly. Is there any way you could get into therapy with a female therapist? I have always chosen female ones, too. It would be too much to try to work with your former one, due to distance.

Since a number of folks have had similar experiences to you (abuse), then you might want to watch out for the triggering icon (it looks sort of like a basketball, I think). I even have to avoid certain forums. Of course, what you need is support, not detailed accounts of what other people have experienced.

Until you can get back into a therapy session, you might want to find a place here where you can just talk. This place might be the one. Just write whatever you want to write. "Rants" are acceptable. Or maybe look for a social group that sounds like it might have folks who are appropriate to share with.

Weekends do tend to be quieter at Psych Central, so perhaps more folks will be posting later. Meanwhile, hang on. Did you get a chance to write down any of the resources that lady recommended? Remember if you call that number again, you might get a different person--Or if not, then you might ask about the other possibilities and resources.

Hang in here! It does take awhile for anyone to adjust to a move. And, as you've already suggested, drinking doesn't help problems for very long.

[ThisWayOut]

thanks payne. I only agreed to see him because he is associated with a practice that has gone a great distance to help me try to find someone to talk to. Before him, I only managed to find people either too expensive, unwilling to see me due to the severe si and trauma aspect, or just plain scared of me. The psychologists in this practice seemed to bend over backwards to help me find someone, and suggested this intern because he is supervised by one of them (and comes out to be under $10/session because he is an intern)... while it is far from my first choice to see a male therapist, it so far has been my best experience. I really wish I could trust him enough, and feel comfortable enough to talk to him frankly. One of the women I saw wanted to commit me in the first 3 minutes of meeting with her, on history alone. Another one dismissed my flashbacks and chose to focus more on concrete things I could do to help my unemployment status... Others simply could not even be bothered to return my calls... I wish there was a social support in person, but I have yet to find any... they all seem to coincide with the days my therapist is in the office I really miss having someone accessible and knowledgeable. More memories have surfaced just this weekend, and they are quite disturbing... part of me entertains the thought of writing them down to hand to him, so maybe we can discuss them in the abstract after he knows what it is I want to talk about... I don't know. I'm just lost and longing to do things I know will ultimately be to my detriment. I just don't know how to mention it to him that I fall fast and hard, and I have a penchant for understatement when talking about things that bother me... maybe I just need to tell him that. I wish I would have signed a release for him to talk to dr. c the last time I was there, because she could fill him in on all this crap... I just don't know how to say it without sounding stupid or over-bearing or dramatic... it's not my intent, it's just how I end up coming off... even here. I don't know how to say the things I want to say without sounding ridiculous... I'm sorry...

[Sannah]

MRain, I do hope that you can tell your T about your difficulties in opening up to him. In my own experience when I let things out it was never pretty. This is okay.

[ThisWayOut]

He knows I have trouble with trusting him... we just haven't really addressed it yet. This will only be my 3 rd time seeing him. I know I need to talk to him tho.

[Sannah]

Only your 3rd time, then let yourself get comfortable with him.