[DarkenedSoul]

There are some triggers here, and I am sorry if it hurts anyone.

I have been physically and mentally abused since I was born. A lot of my childhood is vague and is hard to remember most of it. But the abused started when I was about 6 months old when my mother threw me down a flight of basement stairs. The only injury that I received was some scratches and bruises. The physical abuse (as far back as I can remember) got worse when I was about 10. I got physically punished for little things that I did like not using my manners or my bed not being made to standards. But I also got punished for what my younger siblings did wrong. My mother's comment was always "they must have learned it from you." When I was about 11, my brother and sister decided that they were going to run away to visit my grandfather who lived about an hour away ... on their big wheel and bicycle. After my mother woke me up and we went out searching for them while my father was at work, I got punished for it so bad that I couldn't sit down for almost a week. I still have scars to this day. I got my first black eye from my father that day because I was told that I should have kept an eye on my siblings. My siblings punishment: 1 hour of time out and no playing outside for the rest of the day.
Age 12, I got my front teeth knocked out after my sister blamed me for messing up her newly made bed. Which of course I didn't she just knew that I would get beat up and she would look innocent.
From then on it was constant verbal and physical abuse from everyone. A DCS worker even came to our house once because a friend had seen my legs. They explained that I had done it to myself. After she left, I got the worst beating that I had gotten so far.
The verbal abuse was so constant that my hair actually turned solid white from all of the stress. I ended up experimenting with drugs and alcohol while in high school to numb the pain and so I could function.
When it was about 2 months before I graduated high school, my mother told me that as soon as I graduated, that I would be kicked out of the house. The day of my graduation, I had to bring a bag stuffed with as much clothes that would fit. After graduating, I started to walk away from the family, my father changed his mind and told me that I could stay for a little longer.
The abuse did not stop just because I turned 18. It continued on. I had a strict curfew, I couldn't work nights, couldn't call anyone, couldn't receive phone calls, and had to pay my mother to take me to work since I didn't have a car. After getting my own car, they required a copy of the keys and I was still on curfew even at the age of 21.
I became pregnant with my 1st child at 21 and was still living at home. My children's father was not allowed to see his daughter or be on their property. So I took my daughter and we moved in with her father. Soon after, we had constant harrassing phone calls, DCS workers coming by and so on. All caused by my mother. Due to the constant days that I had to take off of work and almost loosing my second child due to the stress, I lost my job and apartment. My mother ended up getting locked up in a mental institution after trying to commit suicide and blaming me for it.
After having my third child, their father and I separated. Not having anywhere else to go and no income, we had no other choice but to move back in with my parents.
In 2003, when my third child was almost 2, my parents came home from a trip. My mother in one of her bi-polar moods walked up to me, while I was holding my youngest and washing dishes and slammed my head into the wall. After I fell, she continued to kick me in my stomach until I released my youngest daughter. She then left the house after I fought her to get my daughter back. She came back the next morning and called the police to have me and my children kicked out of her house. My children and I ended up sleeping in my car and were homeless for a while after that. Even though they were young, it scarred my children very badly. I ended up getting the courage and went to Domestic Violence and got a TRO against both of my parents. But even after that, they continue to harrass us. We moved an hour away but they ended up buying a house down the street from us a couple of years later.
My children have (thankfully) forgotten all about these horrible memories over the years. But I can't. I have never been to a doctor or had any type of medical care, simply because I am a single parent and do not have an income or insurance. As I posted in another thread, I found out recently by looking on Facebook, that my mother passed away on 3/8/2013. Even though she is gone (and no one told me about it, I just happened to find my siblings on FB and they posted it on their page). I have not talked to any of my family since 2003 and still refuse to. I still have the nightmares, flashbacks, and triggers. I am not religious. How can I move on and try to process everything?

[Sannah]

Hi DSoul, welcome to PC. There are government or United Way supported therapy to help you work through this.

[refika]

I'm sorry to hear what you endured, and commend you for being so strong through it all.

There are many community and social service programs that can help you through what you are going through. I would suggest doing some research on the web to see what options are available to you. Don't give up hope - you can get the help you need.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hello DS,
What a bloody courageous person you
are! With that kind of bravery you WILL get
through this with some help,as others have said.Do please take care of yourself+kids FIRST--everything else is secondary.Bravo for
staying away from insane family. I have 2 brothers and 1sister I would not give the time of day to,they're as nutty as a fruitcake,just like dear mama+papa,lunatics!
Please keep us
posted as to how you are getting on.
Deepest Respect+Kindness,
BLUEDOVE