[Rebel74]

Ok... so I'm trying to come out of denial about the abuses I have experienced. It's hard. A lot of things that happened have hurt me, both at the time and now. But it's all just 'kinda' abuse... like I think what happened wasn't really that bad, or I kinda understand why the abuser did what they did, and I feel like I shouldn't be this traumatized. But the fact is, I am traumatized. I'm getting to the age now where I feel more maternal, and I'm developing more empathy towards my inner child - because if these things happened to a real child - I would be very upset as a parent, and react... ugh... I don't even think I'm making sense at this point.

I guess I'm just carrying around a very hurt 4 or 5 year old inner child and I don't know how to comfort her, because she is me. And I'm really confused, and I'm really scared and I don't know what to do. And it's all so locked up that I haven't even been able to talk to my therapist about it. I mean, she knows - she's figured it out, I just can't talk about it.

And if it were just what had happened when I was little... I think I could figure out how to be normal 'that was then, this is now' ... but the patterns of abuse have repeated in my life, (still, just "kinda" nothing so horrible that I or anyone else could point to it and say "that's abuse", but bad enough to make me pull away and not trust anyone, and to keep my guard up, and to push people away.

Part of me just wants to let it all out and get rid of all this crap I carry around with me, but part of me just can't because I don't even want to think about it, let alone try to express it.

I don't know what I"m trying to say... I'm just glad there's a place like this where I can try to say it, and hopefully people know what I mean.

[mrb020377]

Rebel...... first off Welcome to PC. You can call me Mel. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I say i am a survivor because I am here! I survived the abuse. You said in your post that if it had just happened as a child, then you could figure out what normal is, that that was then, this is now. it isnt that easy.
Abuse, no matter how small or insignificant, is still abuse..any abuse is bad.. and yes abuse is traumatizing. Abuse can happen just one time and someone may spend a lifetime trying to figure out why it bothers them so.

coming out of denial and accepting that yes you were in fact abused, is very hard. Talking about it to others is even harder..

I know when i first started talking about my abuse, i wouldnt tell the whole story because i was afraid of what someone else might think about me. But the more i talk about it, the more i realize why it is that I do/have done some of the things that i do/have done.
there are times, i dont even realize when i do it, that i will talk in a different voice.... a young girls voice..i only know this because my husband tells me i do it... he understands thank goodness....

You may not feel comfortable talking about your abuse or your childhood right now.. that is ok... but know this..... there is a great group of people here that have been through some really rough times... i came here thinking i would never find anyone that would understand how i felt inside..... but i did.... they way you feel is more common than you think.....

sorry about the long post..... pm me if you ever need a shoulder ok

rebel.. i totally understand what you wrote. i have allot of trouble talking abou tmy past too. I want it to go away, but i know that its inside me festering

[Rebel74]

Thanks for your responses. On an intellectual level, I understand what I'm going through, I konw that my reactions are normal, etc etc. But on an emotional level I'm really messed up.

I have a very hard time accepting the fact that I was abused. It's such a horrible word... but that's what it was.

Part of my problem is that I don't know how to talk about it without just totally falling apart and crying and getting totally overwhelmed with it all. And I feel a very strong need to keep myself together & not fall apart... I've been depressed before and I don't want to go through that again.

My therapist has been pretty good so far... we alternate really emotional sessions about my family in general and stuff like that with sessions about how to have good self esteem & think positively ... and less emotionally charged stuff like pursuing a new career. Part of me does want to just dive into the really hard stuff from my childhood... you know rip it off quick like a bandaid. But the other parts of me - like I said above - don't want to get into it because I don't know how not to be totally overwhelmed by it. So I guess my therapist is trying to keep me from going off the deep end, but at the same time I feel like I"m not actually making any real progress. I haven't even told her any of the really crappy stuff.

So what to do?

I think part of the reason why it's so hard to talk about is that I have tried to talk about it before. The responses I got were mostly not good. The first therapist I had (when I was depressed before) pretty much dismissed it as 'kids playing around', even though I was bawling about it. Then she proceded to diagnose me as depressed & put me on Prozac - presto - all better! The other person I told was just kind of like "thanks for sharing"... which I guess is ok, but really didn't make me feel any better either.

So I guess I went back to stuffing it and not talking about it - but that's not helping either. I just want to heal, and be "normal" but I don't know how to do that.