[picklewheeze]

I don't want to offend anyone with anything that I say, if I do I'm sorry I'm offending myself too.

I finally had my first meeting at my local Rape & Sexual Abuse Centre today. It was really scary and hard. It was very informal and I was suprisingly calm. I usually have really bad tremors in my body when I go anywhere, but I was okay. Which was good.

I had a few issues there, it was upstairs and the woman followed up the stairs and I freaked out and legged it. I was already on edge and it just creeped me out.

She made a lot of presumptions which really annoyed me. I was abused by a woman, so I have serious trust issues with women. She presumed it was a man by the things she said, I just wanted to deck her. It really annoyed me I dont know why. She kept saying things like 'some women find this frustrating' or 'this upsets some woman'. I got so annoyed. I dont know whether its because I dont like being categorized a victim, even though I am or what it was. I just didnt feel like I belonged. I kept thinking, well I'm not like that. Or like that. Maybe I shouldnt be here?

But thats stupid because its exactly where I need to be.

There were two women, one me. It was quite intimidating. My mind was running at a million miles an hour and I honestly thought they might do somethnig to me. I know that's so stupid. I think I just really had my guard up in the situation I was in.

I explained a fair amount albeit very vaguely and with some dissociation. I honestly felt ready to talk though. I just knew it wasn't the right time as it was just an initial meeting not with the counselor I will be seeing.

Anyone else had these frustrations?

I never know whether to voice them, to try and work through them or to just bite my tongue. I always hold my anger in, because I know it would be mis-fired at someone whos trying to help me. Sometimes I wonder whether if I explained though, I might learn from it. I just dont want to offend them. I just hate being made to feel like I'm a victim, like I was abused. It makes me feel so weak. The thing is though, I was. It was me who was sexually abused, me who got raped. Its me sitting there, asking for help.

[tinyrabbit]

You're not offending anyone. Of that I am sure.

I can't relate to this as I haven't been to one of these centres, but I do think it must be very hard - but that it's also a really important step that you've just taken.

As to anger, what about saying that you feel angry about X, and sort of describing the anger rather than letting it all out at once? Would that work?

[picklewheeze]

I'm not sure, because I dont so much know that I have anger, until its there. Like its more of a reaction than something thats there to explain. Its hard to explain, something that is said might trigger me and make me want to retaliate, but I wouldnt. But I couldnt just outrightly discuss my anger. I'm verry ashamed to have so much anger, it makes me feel week and out of control when I get angry. When I was a child, I used to be very angry. I was physically aggressive to my brother on occasoins, mainly out of fear but sometimes in a outburst. I tended to vent most of my anger on objects e.g. walls etc, but me and my brother would fight properly sometimes. He used to always take the mick of my anger, like he wasnt scared of it and hed wind me up even more. I'm ashamed I used to act like this; I resent my inner anger. Discussing it isnt easier.

[Sannah]

I think that the way you are handling it is fine. You were aware while you were there and you are thinking about it now. This is good. All of your reactions and feelings mean something.