[picklewheeze]

Hey PCers.

I'm really, really struggling at the minute I can't cope with anything. I had to do a training day yesterday of picking up the bodies of people who've thrown themselves out of in front of a train. When you're really suicidal, that's hard. I've seen so much death lately and I'm just so shaken I've been signed off work but I had to attend this day as it would be difficult for me to repeat it later in my training.

I just can't cope with anything at the moment, I feel so fragile. It's like everything gets through to me. Its like I'm running on a really high power and I'm so susceptible to everything. Before I'd even done the training day I was standing on the platform on my way there and the normal 'this train doesnt stop here, please stand well back' message came over the tannoy. I thought about it, like really thought about it. I watched the train come past, it was one of the 100mph ones. I stood there shaking like an idiot. I can't hack it. I'm so scared of death from the things I've seen, but I'm also so scared of life.

I've been abused my whole life and its just really hitting me. My body is a wreck, I'm covered head to toe in eczema induced by stress. I've had alopesia for months now and its just getting worse and worse. I've been smoking so much lately I can hardly breathe cause I have severe asthma but I just dont care anymore.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up every hour shaking and crying. I can't stand anyone touching me or looking at me. I cant even get the doctors to look at the skin on my legs because I'm too scared, but its cracked and bleeding and really painful. I wear two tops all the time, I wear shorts under my trousers. I just want to get over it

My mind is in pieces, I just think about dying all the time but I really dont want to. Theres only one thing I want to do in my life and that's my job, but I cant even do that at the moment because all I see is the absolute **** of the world. Imagine your worst day ever, then imagine having to attend that 8 - 12 times a day 5 days a week. Then the worst of it is you get home to your own ****** life.

I just want to be peaceful. I don't want to live in constant fear anymore.

My social anxiety is getting worse and worse, something I can't have in my job.

I got raped in july of last year. I can't face it. I don't know what to do with it. Its the one thing I've never even mentioned on here until a couple of days ago when it got triggered by another thread. I'm so scared of it and I just feel horrible and sick. I can't get away from it. I just want it all to go away.

:'(

[Bill3]

Dear Picklewheeze: I am so sorry to hear of the bad straits that you are in right now.

Everything is aggregating into a living nightmare.

It really sounds like extra help is needed now. Can you see a therapist very soon? What about contacting a women's center? Perhaps consider going in-patient so as to get both help and a respite.

Please reach out for help at this exceedingly difficult time.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks for the response.

things are just getting worse and worse. It feels like the light in my life is just fading away.

My Grandad got admitted to hospital today, empty house tonight.

The horse I've ridden for the lasst year that has basicallybeen my therapy is being sold.

There only small things but they were my little bleak lights to follow at the minute.

I've got to ring my community mental health team tomorrow, hopefully get something sorted. I have to be careful though with my job, if they think I'm too unstable I will never be able to work again. That will end my life literally.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry, I've only just seen this. That's an awful training day to have to do. And I'm so so sorry about everything else - your horse, your grandpa. They are NOT small things, they are things that matter to you.

I know you've got the Samaritans number, please don't be afraid to call them as much as you want. Huge hugs to you.

(((hugs)))

Originally Posted by picklewheeze

Hey PCers.

I'm really, really struggling at the minute I can't cope with anything. I had to do a training day yesterday of picking up the bodies of people who've thrown themselves out of in front of a train. When you're really suicidal, that's hard. I've seen so much death lately and I'm just so shaken I've been signed off work but I had to attend this day as it would be difficult for me to repeat it later in my training.

I just can't cope with anything at the moment, I feel so fragile. It's like everything gets through to me. Its like I'm running on a really high power and I'm so susceptible to everything. Before I'd even done the training day I was standing on the platform on my way there and the normal 'this train doesnt stop here, please stand well back' message came over the tannoy. I thought about it, like really thought about it. I watched the train come past, it was one of the 100mph ones. I stood there shaking like an idiot. I can't hack it. I'm so scared of death from the things I've seen, but I'm also so scared of life.

I've been abused my whole life and its just really hitting me. My body is a wreck, I'm covered head to toe in eczema induced by stress. I've had alopesia for months now and its just getting worse and worse. I've been smoking so much lately I can hardly breathe cause I have severe asthma but I just dont care anymore.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I woke up every hour shaking and crying. I can't stand anyone touching me or looking at me. I cant even get the doctors to look at the skin on my legs because I'm too scared, but its cracked and bleeding and really painful. I wear two tops all the time, I wear shorts under my trousers. I just want to get over it

My mind is in pieces, I just think about dying all the time but I really dont want to. Theres only one thing I want to do in my life and that's my job, but I cant even do that at the moment because all I see is the absolute **** of the world. Imagine your worst day ever, then imagine having to attend that 8 - 12 times a day 5 days a week. Then the worst of it is you get home to your own ****** life.

I just want to be peaceful. I don't want to live in constant fear anymore.

My social anxiety is getting worse and worse, something I can't have in my job.

I got raped in july of last year. I can't face it. I don't know what to do with it. Its the one thing I've never even mentioned on here until a couple of days ago when it got triggered by another thread. I'm so scared of it and I just feel horrible and sick. I can't get away from it. I just want it all to go away.

:'(

I'm sorry you have so much stress and I'm wondering with the type of work that you do if your company offers grief counseling. Having to recover bodies from the training that you do, would definitely justify on site counselors. Do you live alone? Do you have insurance coverage to be able to see a primary doctor who could refer you to a dermatologist for your skin conditions as well as a therapist to help you with your high level stress. There are clinics in most cities that offer free consultations or a sliding scale to where it's affordable. I am so pleased that you are able to post about what you are going through. There are so many caring and compassionate people who are there for you(including myself).
warm thoughts to you, keep posting.

[picklewheeze]

Thank you for the responses. I am in the UK so have the NHS. Im on waiting list after waiting list.. I have a mental health team that can visit me in the community. With my job though I have to be careful just how insane I let myself be, because of fitness to practice issues. We do have a counselling centre within our work that is supposedly really good, the thing is with all of my past I need something more long term. The centre is in central london and I cant afford the fair to go in often enough.

I have a good counselling support at university, its just that they're on a break now for a couple of months which is really hard.

I rang my local rape crisis and spoke to someone there, they were really helpful and have said theyre going to chase up where I am on the waiting list.

I live majoritively with my Grandad, and also stay with my parents and younger sister from time to time.

I just want to be listened to and heard. Thats all the matters to me. I dont want psychiatric assessments, I dont want a diagnosis to hide under. I just want the opportunity to tell people my feelings, to share my story. Its heavy around my neck alone.

[Lauru]

You poor thing. My goodness, anyone in your situation would be a mess. Picking up bodies is horrifying and would stress out and trigger anyone. And then the recent rape, the anxiety, the eczema and alopesia. I am so sorry for your suffering. I am sending you all my support and wish you only the best. Your responses to everything are normal. You are normal, but you are suffering greatly. Try to do something nice for yourself each day, something you enjoy or relaxing, be it a bath, lighting a candle, feeling something soft like velvet, or eating healthy food. Even if it doesn't feel good right now or you don't feel like doing it, do it anyway. Try the things you used to enjoy before your stress and depression. Wishing you all the best. I'd send you a hug but I don't know if that is ok for you or not.

[picklewheeze]

Thank you Lauru for making it okay for me to feel like this

I've been taking my dog out for walks a lot, even if it is just so I can smoke it still gets me out. I've kind of got this plan, I know it sounds stupid. I'm going to focus all my energy on one day a week, just one day where I get everything done, for me. Then if the rest of the week I do nothing, atleast I've got something done on that one day. Then gradually, I'll do two, then three. Hopefully I'll be back to 'normal' soon.

Get back to running, swimming and cycling. Give up smoking. Get back to work and work hard at my course again.

I still think of my Nan each and everyday, the days she feels close to me its warming. She really is like my Sun. Other days its really hard, it was quite traumatic watching her die infront of my eyes, in my very own arms. Under my own hands. Its still hard. But she feels with a warmth and I feel her beauty when ever she's around. When I lose her, its dark. I love her very much still, she'll always be a light to follow.

[Bill3]

I am so sorry for the loss of your Nan.

I think that your plan sounds very good.

[Lauru]

I too am so sorry for your loss. Best wishes

[yellowted]

((((hugs Picklewheeze)))) please make an appointment with your doc, not only about your eczema for which he will probably prescribe some steroid cream, but also about your asthma and how you are coping at the moment.

I know from experience that when your asthma gets worse it really feels like the world is falling apart around you, and it is extremely difficult to cope, i cried every night for months till my asthma was back under control, and it only got better with a stronger inhalor and an opoid based one too.

he may give you something for depression also, though i found sorting out the asthma was far more beneficial to me.

you say you were raped a while ago, please report this to the police, if not for your own piece of mind, but for the safety of others who the rapist will go on to rape if not stopped. at least it gives the police one more cog in the system of finding whoever did this to you. rapists usually stick to a pattern and your piece of the puzzle could be the vital bit they need to complete the puzzle and catch him. I have been through similar, the police have specially trained people who are trained for this and the ones who i spoke to were very professional and discreet. It really felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders when i walked out of the police station after being interviewed.

sorry to hear about your horse, have you thought about volunteering at a stables so you still have contact with the horses but not the expense of owning one, i am sure someone would love you to give their horse a ride once a week or so to save them from having to travel to the stables that day, you may even be able to get paid for doing it!...try putting an advert up at the stables or in your highstreet (you never know who needs help with a horse)

my partner passed away almost 10 years ago, i know how difficult it is to lose someone you loved especially as like you i was abused for years before i met him. whenever i feel really low i have two thoughts, first is i want to be with him, but after trying a few times to make it possible and failing i realise that is not something i can do or have control over. the second is if he were to be looking down on me now , would he be happy with what he sees, if not, then what can i do that he would be happy with...he would want me to be happy, so what can i do that makes me feel ok/happy... usually the conclusion is get dressed and go out! even if i just scooter through the local park or round the block to get some fresh air.

[picklewheeze]

Thank you, I have seen my doctor. I am on anti-depressants already but they have doubled the dosage. My eczema is at constant war with steriod creams lol, unfortunately it wins most of the time!

I dont think theres any point reporting the rape.. I was abroad at the time. It would be so vague.

There will always be other horses to ride, its just going to be sad to see this one go. She's a youngster and I've trained her for the last year into an amazing horse, I'll be very sad to see her go.

I'm sorry about your partner. Its so hard, so relentlessly hard. My Nan wouldnt be proud of me at all, she'd be so disappointed. I just cant turn it around though.

[Bill3]

How much did your Nan know about the lifelong abuse that you have suffered?

[picklewheeze]

My Nan knew nothing, that I know off

I really dont know, I've often wondered. I mean my Nan used to bath me a lot and stuff.. I do wonder.. but I just dont know. If she knew, I dont think she would have let it go on to be honest. She got dementia a good years ago though, and the main abuse was from 10 up, so she would already have been well into dementia. At the age she was bathing me I dont think I was being sexually abused.

Why do you ask?

[Bill3]

Here is why I ask.

You said that she would not be proud at all, she would be so disappointed in you.

Yet I wonder what she would think if she knew of all of the abuse. From what you have said of her, it sounds like she would be utterly disconsolate to hear what you have been through, it would touch her deeply, her compassion would be boundless.

Perhaps with that compassion would come understanding? She would want to intervene and help if she could (as you said). But if she couldn't, she would still know that the bad things were not your fault. She would know that you showed great strength in carrying on as you have in spite of it all.

When you look at it this way...how much do you still think that she would not be proud at all, that she would be so disappointed in you?

[picklewheeze]

Thank you so much, I havent thought of it that way. My Nan was so caring and compassionate for those that deserved, but would put anyone in there place. My Nan would be nothing but supportive for me through these tough times. I suppose she can probably see my pain now and understands, I hope she does.

[Bill3]

That is what I was thinking too. She can probably see and understand.

[Sannah]

Pickle, food allergies cause eczema. Have you ever checked into that?

[picklewheeze]

Yeah, ive tried everything. I know the problem. Im allergic to everything. Im not supposed to use soap but I ha e to be clean.

[tinyrabbit]

Can I just remind people that it's not helpful to guilt trip people who choose not to report. It's everyone's individual choice to do so or not.

Have you tried perfume-free soap?

[Sannah]

Olive oil soap and glycerin soap are good when you have allergies.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks Sannah I will try.

Thanks for sticking up for me TR

I only use perfume free products, I wash in baby bath still. I have prescriptiob creams Im supposed to subatitute for soaps but they dont make my hands feel clean.

[picklewheeze]

Thanks Sannah I will try.

Thanks for sticking up for me TR

I only use perfume free products, I wash in baby bath still. I have prescriptiob creams Im supposed to subatitute for soaps but they dont make my hands feel clean.